Today: day clinic...just for information. I don't think I'll be going there as a patient cause I don't think it's necessary.... I feel much better....just the mornings I don't ...and when I think of the job I don't , I'm always looking hopefully in my mailbox to see a letter getting fired, LOL, I'm really so not ready for life! I'm a chaos...when I don't think, I'm fine. I'm definitely not depressed, i had a good day yesterday, which means back to job next wednesday...I hope I don't make it til next wednesday...I just want to enjoy life a couple of days more and die happy, but now it's just a fantasy, a wish, not a plan or an actual "thought".... I don't know, I got up feeling down.... like...rather not having goals and wishes than having them and not seeing yourself able to achieve them...When I don't think, I'm good...when I think positive ( I sometimes do) I'm good...but then reality makes its way to my thoughts and everything's fucked up....
I want another job, another life.... Damn it! Yesterday at a point I thought I could, that it wozuld take time but I could...get the physique, being admired, having the life I want, getting a guy....and today it's like...."yeah, right, dream on"... I've been also chatting with a very special person lately, he has helped me A LOT!!!! and now I'm developing feelings, which sucks cause I think he's into someone else... the story of my life :/
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