Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.

Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

Mornings are the worst

Today: day clinic...just for information. I don't think I'll be going there as a patient cause I don't think it's necessary.... I feel much better....just the mornings I don't ...and when I think of the job I don't , I'm always looking hopefully in my mailbox to see a letter getting fired, LOL, I'm really so not ready for life! I'm a chaos...when I don't think, I'm fine. I'm definitely not depressed, i had a good day yesterday, which means back to job next wednesday...I hope I don't make it til next wednesday...I just want to enjoy life a couple of days more and die happy, but now it's just a fantasy, a wish, not a plan or an actual "thought".... I don't know, I got up feeling down.... like...rather not having goals and wishes than having them and not seeing yourself able to achieve them...When I don't think, I'm good...when I think positive ( I sometimes do) I'm good...but then reality makes its way to my thoughts and everything's fucked up....

I want another job, another life.... Damn it! Yesterday at a point I thought I could, that it wozuld take time but I could...get the physique, being admired, having the life I want, getting a guy....and today it's like...."yeah, right, dream on"... I've been also chatting with a very special person lately, he has helped me A LOT!!!! and now I'm developing feelings, which sucks cause I think he's into someone else... the story of my life :/

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.