Meeting PT and end of the year

Yesterday I had the chance to train with my former PT. It was great. I feel so great training with him. I trust the myn with my life. If he says I can , then I know i can :) I wish I could train with him more often! he told me I have achieved a lot in the 9 months that I'm lifting and I just want to get better and better :)


I tend to not set concrete goals cause I'm afraid i could jinx it, but in my head and heart, I know that I have some goals.... As for my lifting goals i'm pretty sure i'll get there.....As for my physique goals...difficult! I'm confused about what to do. Apparently my BF% is 25% according my profile in bodybuilding.com.... I really don't think it's that high...but it's not low either, so one goal is reducing BF%. Then again , talking to my former PT yesterday, he told me that he does believe I can be a physique competitor at some point but now it's WAAAAYYYY too early!!!! it's just 9 months since I started lifting, and , though my progress is quite good (awesome actually, he  he)... I still have a long way in front of me....So now the goals are a bit confusing... shall I put on (muscle) weight as he says? shall I try to lose the fat lowering calories? I'm confused and I have to figure out what to do... I just want to see progress both in looks and in lifts.

Ideally I'd lose fat and gain muscle but that seems to be quite tricky! So much that some experts say it's not possible...Some say it is possible but "painfully slow".  I'll research about that and see what plan I should follow dietwise. Lifting I'll follow Uzi's plan.

As for the year, even though I have had very low moments, all in all it has been a VERY good year: I started lifting, found a new passion and something which makes me feel good. It's difficult for me to write about the positive things cause i'm having some down days lately...feeling kind of depressed.... lonely.... I hate christmas  :/ but I have to admit that 2013 was probably the best year of my life....maybe 2012 too....similar! :D I'm just happy I started lifting! New passion!

About fear

They say our head is our worst enemy.
They say you have to visualize what you want in orer to obtain it.
They say you have to be sure you can have it in order to make it happen.....

If all that is right...I'm screwed.....

Today at the showers after my workout I saw some girls having cellullite...actually every woman I see in the shower gym has cellullite. I guess the same thing would happen in the beach, but I don't know cause I do9n't go to the beach..... Even Joy Victoria (a role model for me) talkes about that and linked some posting about that on her nfacebook page. I'm , of course, one of them...and I wonder if it will really ever happen.... that I get to the point of looking competition ready.

Before I go on wit this I want to clarify what this is NOT:
1. I'm not looking for encouragement, people telling me "of course you can do it"... cause they don't know. I know the intention is good....but they don't know, and I don't know If I can make it or not.

2.I'm not fishing for compliments. i know I don't look dreadful (even if I sometimes feel I do), but I don't need the "you're not fat", ""you're looking good" talk...competition is something else, much tougher! If I just wanted compßliments I's post some cute pictures on IG or facebook and I'd get them...that's not the point.

What I want to explain is that... I don't see it happening in my head....maybe that's self-sabotage...? It's not being pessimist...just having doubts...and well founded doubts, not only because of the difficulty of the whole thing and my mind going against it quite often, but also because of...THE FEAR... the fear in a bad kind of way, the fear which paralyses, the fear of failure and the fear of success, the fear of "what's coming next?"  I know all the so well!!! On one hand there is the believe that I can accomplish a lot...actually many things I wanted , I have accomp0lished.... My main problem has been not wanting the best things on the first place or not knowing exactly what I wanted...

The determination I also have and the need to strive. I had the best grades in theater school (though not being the most talented actress) due to my hard work and the need to be the best. Same happened in college...I was one of the best, in some subjects I was even the best, I just put my mind into it and went for it...and got it....

I wanted to come to Germany and I did...and even at jobs I hated I turned to be good or even the best. I'm happy that I have that work ethich and that need to excell....but, at the same time, it paralyses me sometimes.... What if this time I can't be the best? I don't want to settle for less.... that makes me want to leave everything alltogether..... As for my personality, I sometimes believe i could do anything I put my mind into.... I'm a very hard-worker and more than once I proved it.... but why am I so insecure? Maybe because it is important to me....

Actually this writing is being quite therapeutical....as I write, I see more pros than cons and that's indeed very good! i'll go for it... I'll try to be the best, just aiming to the highest point is going to get me somewhere....

I just need three things:
Determination (checked)
Persistance ( checked)
Patience (working on it...)

The "hard-work" I'm not mentioning cause it's kind of a given, duh! and same goes for "focus"... Now I have to believe also that it will happen, visualize it, like it was mentioned yesterday in the movie.....

Mornings are the worst

Today: day clinic...just for information. I don't think I'll be going there as a patient cause I don't think it's necessary.... I feel much better....just the mornings I don't ...and when I think of the job I don't , I'm always looking hopefully in my mailbox to see a letter getting fired, LOL, I'm really so not ready for life! I'm a chaos...when I don't think, I'm fine. I'm definitely not depressed, i had a good day yesterday, which means back to job next wednesday...I hope I don't make it til next wednesday...I just want to enjoy life a couple of days more and die happy, but now it's just a fantasy, a wish, not a plan or an actual "thought".... I don't know, I got up feeling down.... like...rather not having goals and wishes than having them and not seeing yourself able to achieve them...When I don't think, I'm good...when I think positive ( I sometimes do) I'm good...but then reality makes its way to my thoughts and everything's fucked up....

I want another job, another life.... Damn it! Yesterday at a point I thought I could, that it wozuld take time but I could...get the physique, being admired, having the life I want, getting a guy....and today it's like...."yeah, right, dream on"... I've been also chatting with a very special person lately, he has helped me A LOT!!!! and now I'm developing feelings, which sucks cause I think he's into someone else... the story of my life :/

Suicidal thoughts

I just hate that job, the bosses are awful and the schedule too, I have to promote something I don't believe in and I'm just overwhelmed...I like being a trainer...when I don't have a 20 minute class after the other for a complete day, it's draining and it keeps pushing me away from what I wanted for me: my training.... after the job I have little to no energy to train myself... I should have never changed jobs.... Well, if I go to the clinic and I'm on sick leave I'd probably get fired, which is a blessing... I don't know how to confront my boss on monday.... I have to be all bubbly and in a good mood for the customers and with power to motivate the clients to train on the power plate...which, I know, it's not helping them... Believe me if I say it's gonna be tough being bubbly... I just want to get fired. I want something easy and which helps me doing what I like, I just want that, I want to feel good with myself again, I want to have the motivation to compete again...all that is gone now...

I trained yesterday, gave my best, didn't hit any PR but it was more or less ok (worse than usual, though).... but already before training I was thinking "what for?" ... What do I want? what are my goals? my dreams? do I have any? if so, are they important? shall I sacrifice them for a normal life? I'm so quitting that job!but I can't...so sometimes the only thing which seems left for me to do is... you know....and before monday morning. it sounds exaggerated but ....i have had enough of life...even of the good things.... I'm ok if it ends now, I don't need anything else, I won't miss anything once I'm dead.

I'm thinking about my PT now, how would he react if he knew all this.... I wouldn't have any respect from his side if he knew all this, I'd be an ordinary person without drive in his eyes...and he has no respect for that....

I failed.

I failed everybody:

my boss for being on sick leave

my mom for being psychollogically ill

my BFF because of not attending the seminar

my PT because of not having dreams and goals

myself for turning into the person i've turned and not fighting it back.

Depressed

I'm depressed. The trigger is the job but I guess there's something else going on cause it cannot be only the job.... I don't even feel like writing much so I'll copy from a message I wrote a friend:

 I am...suicidal....today the suicidal fantsies became really suicidal thoughts, meaning, thinking how I would do it and not only that I don't want to live.... I know it can get better but.... so what, when i'm dead i won't miss anything anymore.... changing job was a bad decision, it was the trigger for the situation in which I am now...sometimes I feel I'm just not prepared for life.... you know, after all what is life? job and relationship...I always get overwhelmed with my jobs, it's not the first time that that happens to me...and relationships...I have given up for good....

Today I went to the gym but I asked myself "what for?" I don't have any dreams or goals anymore.... 

have no fear!

Yesterday was one of the few days i had as many positive as negative feelings about training...I was looking forward to it but also afraid since the last time that I squatted was so bad.... But everything seems to have gone ok, and I feel confident again and i'm looking forward to wednesday, when we will be training back.

Here's what I did:

• Barbell Squat:
  • 93.7 lb x 5 reps (+65 pts)
  • 93.7 lb x 5 reps (+65 pts)
  • 93.7 lb x 5 reps (+65 pts)
  • 93.7 lb x 5 reps (+65 pts)
  • 93.7 lb x 5 reps (+65 pts)
• Barbell Bench Press:
  • 60.6 lb x 5 reps (+53 pts)
  • 60.6 lb x 5 reps (+53 pts)
  • 60.6 lb x 5 reps (+53 pts)
  • 60.6 lb x 5 reps (+53 pts)
  • 60.6 lb x 5 reps (+53 pts)
• Machine Dips:
  • 59.5 lb x 10 reps (+15 pts)
  • 59.5 lb x 10 reps (+15 pts)
  • 59.5 lb x 10 reps (+15 pts)
  • 59.5 lb x 10 reps (+15 pts)
  • 59.5 lb x 10 reps (+15 pts)
• Barbell Incline Bench Press:
  • 38.5 lb x 12 reps (+55 pts)
  • 38.5 lb x 12 reps (+55 pts)
  • 38.5 lb x 12 reps (+55 pts)
  • 38.5 lb x 12 reps (+55 pts)
• Side Lateral Raise:
  • 4.4 lb x 12 reps (+10 pts)
  • 4.4 lb x 12 reps (+10 pts)
  • 4.4 lb x 12 reps (+10 pts)
  • 4.4 lb x 12 reps (+10 pts)
  • 4.4 lb x 12 reps (+10 pts) 
  
  After the workout my arms were so pumped!!!! It was cool! I should have taken a selfie but I was too self-conscious, LOL....
  
  My coach asked me about how I want to train, and my goals , etc, and, after thinking of it a bit, here's what I replied:
  
  Short term goals:
  1. getting the technique for the big three good enough that I can do them on my own.
  2. learning additional "minors" which can help me and knowing how I should prioritize.
  Long term goals:
  looking like a bikini competitor (even if it sound delusional right now).
  
  As for now I'm quite happy how things are going, I do see the progress and it helps A LOT when I get positive feedback from him. He's the best coach ever!