I've been thinking, analyzing, making lists and I think I decided to NOT stay in the clinic. I have "therapied" (is that even a word?) myself SUCCESSFULLY in the past. I got out from an eating disorder all by myself, out of self-harm also without help and i have had rough times.... I want to do therapy but the individual one... I think the clinic is not helping much. It has helped, it has helped me seeing what I don't want to be...fair enough, now that I know it, the moment i start being that "being" i'll stop, breath, and "play" the character I like...the other me.... am I nuts? maybe,so what?! whatever makes me happy! each of us have their own answers to survive...mine is this, kinda "splitting"... is that a bit disordered too? (as in dissociative) maybe but it helps me living the way I want, being whom I want to be. You know, Fake it til you make it, LOL! I'm fine. I know what I want so... I will just go for it, give it time and I'll have it. Period.
About gym stuff: I injured myself on friday and on saturday I chose to ignore it and work out anyway.... sunday my back was hurting like a bitch, so Sunday and monday I had to rest. I hope I can work out tomorrow, if possible, I will go everyday during the week, cause I'm freaking out already.
Showing posts with label clinic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clinic. Show all posts
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Update
I'll try to keep it short.
I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).
I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.
The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)
Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...
And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!
As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!
The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....
Life sucks.
I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.
I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).
I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.
The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)
Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...
And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!
As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!
The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....
Life sucks.
I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.
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