Update

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).

I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.

The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)

Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...

And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!

As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!

The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....

Life sucks.

I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.

Hope's a bitch

 Again.... WHAT FOR?! Somehow my dreams and hopes have crushed..if I had them on the first place. Reality made its appearance again.

Yesterday my doctor seemed worried when I was telling her I was doing good.... maybe because she could suspect what comes next: what I'm experiencing now: another low. I can't live like this forever: I can't go to that job but i'm not putting enough effort on finding a new one.... And do I want to stay in this couintry? No, but ...if I want to leave, that would complicate my life more! and...do I even think that leaving the cointry would mean leaving my problems here?...No miss, your problems come with you in your invisible luggage...You don't even have to pay foe extra baggage, no matter how heavy they are....

I'm having the thoughts again. And I should just do it, not saying anything. Stopping being a drama queen seeking for attention and just doing it. Now it would be a good time actually. BFF's brother will be in town, that means BFF won't contact me.... and I don't really have miore people so...the time seems perfect. I'm glad I didn't throw away the products....

Since the time that I was feeling bad to now , I have lived some good moments, especially last weekend... It's like a good bye present...or I want to see it that way....But enough is enough...of the good, of the bad, of everything....

I might give myself a couple of days more but I DON'T want to make it til monday.... I'Ll keep on doing as planned: paperwork for the therapy and stuff.... who knows, maybe I change my mind last minute....but I don't think so and actually I kinda don't want too....what happens when I'm "rescued"? then I fall again....  Hope's a bitch.

Depressed

I'm depressed. The trigger is the job but I guess there's something else going on cause it cannot be only the job.... I don't even feel like writing much so I'll copy from a message I wrote a friend:

 I am...suicidal....today the suicidal fantsies became really suicidal thoughts, meaning, thinking how I would do it and not only that I don't want to live.... I know it can get better but.... so what, when i'm dead i won't miss anything anymore.... changing job was a bad decision, it was the trigger for the situation in which I am now...sometimes I feel I'm just not prepared for life.... you know, after all what is life? job and relationship...I always get overwhelmed with my jobs, it's not the first time that that happens to me...and relationships...I have given up for good....

Today I went to the gym but I asked myself "what for?" I don't have any dreams or goals anymore.... 

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful... 

Feedback and some rantings....

It's been a while since I don't post but that doesn't mean I stopped working out or losz motivation, not at all! If anything, then it's the oppositte! :)... I keep on seeing progress and get good feedback from my coach.

Here's what he wrote the other day:

oh well the reason why we don't lift heavy is because lifting heavy weights and squatting will make us all bulky uzi, bullshit, no it doesn't, here's a a client of mine who is prime example of what wonders a good dose of heavy squatting and deadlifting can do for your body! she also just hit her first pullup today and there are big things in store for this girl! These are the results after one month of training, stay tuned and I'll post another picture couple of months down the line which is even going to make this look like nothing. Super proud of her! More booty, muscles and power to you!  — with Alex Mills.

I was really happy when I read this the day after! It helps me very much with motivation!

In other order of things I was talking with my BFF yesterday about how training and bodybuilding can have a great influence in your mind and not only in your body. I come from an eating disorder. Anorexia is a mental estate in which you basicall want to feel weak so tha people take care of you and love you.... Like when you are a child, it's like a way to remain in your childhood...you want to get attenttion and love and to your mind it seems that is the way to get it.... by being weak.... I used to feel that way....I f someone had told me five years ago that I would be so positive as I am now and wanting to get strong I wouldn't have believed it. 

We talked long about my former and my current minset and how the body affects the mind... Well, I've always had a tendency to depression but it's changing...and kinda for the complete oppositte! Oh my! Sometimes I'm so positive thet people make fun of me! LOL...happy I can be so amusing! :D :D :D... and ...you know...whatever makes me happy! It might sound superficial "being so happy" especially if you have like "brooding" people around seeming so deep...well...as far as I'm concerned...been there, done that...and turned the page! now I'm happy ... why? because I chose to be!