The gym: my happy place

When i'm there i'm focused, I don't think of anything else, just concentrate in what I have to do... Today I did my first set of unassisted dips with the help of Kris, he's awesome

I felt really good there.... I love it! I'm happy that my back almost doesn't hurt anympore and I can train again. My bench Press was also quite ok for being just out of an injury.....

I can't wait to have my new program, meal plan and training plan. i'll do whatever it takes. i'm leaving veganism and even vegetarianism. I'll follow the plan to the T. I want it so bad. I'll be a physique competitor, I will be it. It's gonna be fucking hard! really really difficult, but I'll do it! I know I have what it takes!

Apart from that life is going well in some aspects, i'm delighted with complimentes in RL and internet about my strength , acjhievements and transformation ( muscle building)... carla told me not to build more, which made me very happy, cause that means I already look a bit mor muscular than average... which is not that difficult, lol, since the average is rather fluffy, LOL, I'm so mean.... anyways, I'm on my way to get a lot of muscle and lose all the fat! ALL OF IT!!! ha ha ha...can't wait to get started! I'm so psyqued about it! yes...I do want it so bad!

I was going to complain and whine about my love life...or lack thereof, ha ha! but now thinking of my goals and that I am on the way to achieve them it's RIDICULOUS letting myself be brought down by what a guy might feel or not feel for me or for any other bitch out there. I'm too good for that, ha, think what you want! If I don't feel i'm good enough, nobody would..... now at least is one person, my fucking self! ...and i know there are more...btw!

so...not giving a fuck!!!!! (bangarang)

I'm just looking forward to:

-combat tomorrow
-weight training on friday with Kris
-my meal and training plan (I hope the soonest possible)
-seeing results soon


love sux.

Update

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).

I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.

The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)

Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...

And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!

As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!

The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....

Life sucks.

I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.

Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful...