Invitation to PL and revamping my program

I haven't written since forever! So...what's new? Depresion is over! yay! and I'm even kind of manic, LOL; I love the feeling!

Now...what's new about training? No t much , unfortunately...My lifts haven't really improved, I'm stalled with bench since two months and with squats since summer...just the deadlift has gotten a tiny bit better. All this frustrates me a bit so I have decided to revamp my program. I'm going to do a minimalist training based on RPT ( reverse pyramid training) following the guide of Martin Berkhan and Andy Morgan. I want to change my diet too cause... i have a lot of fat to lose and summer is approaching quickly. I want to look good!

So my main goals will be:

-losing fat
- improving my lifts
-retain muscle ( ideally, build some more but that's pretty much impossible on a deficit)

I have been invited to a PL meeting in September, I'm really excited about it :) and I want to do a good job, I really have to work on my lifts. I'm hoping this new program helps...it's much less volume , I cut all the accessory work and reduced cardio so that I can recover faster. Maybe , tho I wasn't feeling tired, my lifts were not improving because of lack of recovery.

So my new plan:

Monday:
deadlifts (RPT)
chin-ups (5x5) cause I still don't manage weighted chin-ups
military press (RPT)

Tuesday:
Bodycombat

Wednesday:
Bench press (RPT)
Dips (RPT)
Push ups : 2x15

Thursday:
Bodycombat

Friday:
Squats (RPT)
Face-pulls

It's considerably less than what I was used to, so I hope I can up the weights.

Concerning diet: CUT: deficit, deficit, deficit is the key!
I'll be following IIFYM. I calculated and here`s the result:

It makes me a bit worried cause it is only 15% deficit.... but it should work. The problem with my diet until now was that it was not consistant at all. One day I could be on a deficit, like 1200 but then the next maybe 2000 calories, so at the end of the week I usually had a light surplus or stay at maintenance and I want to avoid that. This 1374 and macro partitioning seems reasonable and doable. For extra motivation I'll be posting everyday, that will help me keep accountable. 

I'm planning to stick to this training and meal plan for 6 weeks and see what happens.

Now I have to stay COMMITTED.

Meeting PT and end of the year

Yesterday I had the chance to train with my former PT. It was great. I feel so great training with him. I trust the myn with my life. If he says I can , then I know i can :) I wish I could train with him more often! he told me I have achieved a lot in the 9 months that I'm lifting and I just want to get better and better :)


I tend to not set concrete goals cause I'm afraid i could jinx it, but in my head and heart, I know that I have some goals.... As for my lifting goals i'm pretty sure i'll get there.....As for my physique goals...difficult! I'm confused about what to do. Apparently my BF% is 25% according my profile in bodybuilding.com.... I really don't think it's that high...but it's not low either, so one goal is reducing BF%. Then again , talking to my former PT yesterday, he told me that he does believe I can be a physique competitor at some point but now it's WAAAAYYYY too early!!!! it's just 9 months since I started lifting, and , though my progress is quite good (awesome actually, he  he)... I still have a long way in front of me....So now the goals are a bit confusing... shall I put on (muscle) weight as he says? shall I try to lose the fat lowering calories? I'm confused and I have to figure out what to do... I just want to see progress both in looks and in lifts.

Ideally I'd lose fat and gain muscle but that seems to be quite tricky! So much that some experts say it's not possible...Some say it is possible but "painfully slow".  I'll research about that and see what plan I should follow dietwise. Lifting I'll follow Uzi's plan.

As for the year, even though I have had very low moments, all in all it has been a VERY good year: I started lifting, found a new passion and something which makes me feel good. It's difficult for me to write about the positive things cause i'm having some down days lately...feeling kind of depressed.... lonely.... I hate christmas  :/ but I have to admit that 2013 was probably the best year of my life....maybe 2012 too....similar! :D I'm just happy I started lifting! New passion!

Carpal Tunnel Syndrom?

So I went to the doctor yesterday concerning the tingling and elbow problem and she suspects it could be carpal tunnel syndrome. It's not sure yet so I have to get some more test,being one of them on January 22nd....so it's gonna take a while til I know. Until then I'll keep on lifting like I have alwways done. the doctor didn't mention anything concerning lifting so, I assume it's no problem. I feel very  relieved. The news caught me in a bad day, I was exhausted, tired, down....but there was really no need to be so alarmed...i'm back on fitocracy too and m,y training plan will remain the same.

However, this being out of fitocracy and in again is a good thing cause I think I have to be more selective. I was following too many people, some of them were not giving me anything positive. I'll keep my friends and people whose workouts are inspirational or people who can really help me develop in this fitness thing.... but as B. told me the other day, and , as much as I love Fitocracy, I think he's right, fitocracy is becoming a place where people just post revealing pictures of themselves and use it to flirt... Of course you have the choice to participate or not in the groups which are mainly about those things. I stopped long ago to participate in Man Candy Monday and Female Foxy Friday..... then Wake Up Wednesday became also one of "these" groups so I left too. I never even participated in "level up, excuse me whilst I undress" on "Butts" or similar... really...not for me and I think those groups are giving fitocracy a bad name.


I also want to (no matter if in a fitness platform, social network or the gym itself) avoid misleading information. It seems everybody is an expert and feels entitled to give you advice...when you don't even ask for it!!!! The other day in the gym I asked a guy to spot me and he told me that if i was training for strength I shouldn't do more than 4 reps, if I was training for size, no more than 6...First time in my life that I hear that, and I told him about the 5x5 plan and powerlifting, and personal trainers, books...his answer: "They all learn from me".... bitch please!!! how can somebody be so fucking arrogant??!!! Anyways I just wanted to finish my set so I didn't debate with him cause...what for?! I'm a 5"2 girl.... he wouldn't even listen to me...cause hes a "sports teacher"...ugh! And then again, he's telling me how to train for strength...but he wasn't so strong! he was benching 47,5 kg....I was benching 40 kg..... and about size.... he didn't show any muscle at all! If you ask me, he didn't look as if he worked out ...like ever! I'm so sick of smart-asses!

I'm not an expert at all, that's right, but I don't give advice either....especially if I'm not asked for it. If asked then I give the advice I have heard from reliable sources or what has been useful for me and I have learnt from experience.

left fitocracy for now

Saturday I notice a tingling feeling in both hands. I have had this feeling for a long time, but at that point it seemed present all the time while other times came and went.... I aasked a friend of mine who is a nurse and he told me that maybe it's because of lifting wrong.... I don't think I lift wrong...but anyway it could be a pinched nerve or something...I have no idea, I have to see a doctor...I have an appointment tomorrow....The thing is that that friend told me I might not be able to lift heavy again....that piece of "news" crushed me.... I couldn't stop crying just thinking of the possibility of not being able to lift. I just hope he's wrong...At that point I though that, being like that, fitocracy doesn't make any sense for me so...I deleted my account. I don't want to be there if I only can log shit workouts.... it would make me feel ashamed... It hit me quite hard... I still don't know what's wrong, neither if it is actually a problem...but I can't make my peace with the idea.... Now that I'm starting to see results, it would be awful if I had to stop. Now that I found something I like....Ok, I like bodycombat too...but I want to lift, I want the challenge, I want to get stronger and push myself and want to transform my body.

last thursday it was amazing: I got to see my serratus for the first time, I was amazed...Like...seeing progress little by little...and I don't want to stop.

My weekend was plain awful...and I took two rest days (Saturday and Sunday) instead of one :( I was just exhausted, tired, depressed, unmotivated..... Actually I was unmotivated today too but I went to the gym, it was chest day..... and I'm thinking about coming back to fitocracy but I guess I should wait until I know for sure if I can keep on lifting. I really hope so.

I'm still feeling quite down. The gym couldn't cheer me up so much....not today.... :(

Other things I should mention at the appointment tomorrow, apart from the tingling feelinf is the pain in the elbows and the weak knee.... Fuck! I'm a mess!!!!

About competition

I want to write about cometing, not in the sense of a bodybuilding competition but in general competing. Many quotes say you shouldn't compete with others, juyt with yourself...."If you compete against others you get bitter, if you compete against yourself, you get better" and so on.....

Like everything else, something can be true and useful for some but not for others.  It is true that you have to compare your results from today with your previous results and try to get better, yes....but competition against others can also be a motivator. After all most sports are competitive ones, even bodybuilding, there are bodybuilding competitions where people compete against each other. Competing against other people doesn't have to make you bitter, it can also address your drive to get better. I am quite competitive myself and can't help but trying to top someone else....I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a way to stay stimulated. Maybe knowing that someone has done a deadlift of 105 kg makes me take the step to try it myself...and maybe I succeed...so, it can be a motivator!

All this topic came to my mind cause I have seen pictures of a girl who is training for physique competition and she#s having amaying results. If I had stick to it...would I have such amazing results in one month? It's just hypothetical cause it#s not my toime for it.... I doubt I would have her results....but it motivates me to try...could I be as good as her? even better maybe? I don't think so.... but I don't know if I don't try... I'm using that as a motivation to stick to my diet, cause...i think that my liftings are quite ok but my diet is keeping me from having results. I definitely have to be more strict as far as dieting is concerned, mainly about the calories I'm ingesting. Now I have a motivation more. Yes, I'm a bit jealous, but also happy for her, she's doing a great job and it's paying off! Now I have to do a great job too and be patient.

Changes

I "fired" my coach.
I'm not going to compete at least for the time being.
I'm going to just "eat, lift and be happy"....what I wasn't doing on the plan. The idea of competing set me too much under pressure so I'm forgetting about that. I just want to look good and lift heavy.

PT told me I don't need a coach anyways, that I know what I have to do: getting strong: a strong muscle is a big muscle. For that I need to keep doing the compounds...and on top of it I can do all the fuckarounditis that I want.... so I'm going back to the basics, which, BTW, I also prefer: Deadlifts, Squats , bench ...and accessory work.

I want PT to be proud of me like he used to. He is the best. I'm sure my coach is great but I'm used to my former PT and I trust him with my life. All I know, I learnt from him, and I have learnt a lot and progressed a lot.... Now he's not coaching me or training me, but he knows I can do it on my own, so i'm doing it on my own. I'm designing a training plan which pretty much is compounds 5x5 + accessory work splitted.... add cardio and you got it. As he says: K.I.S.S -> keep it simple and stupid.

As far as eating is concerned....again back to simple: IIFYM (if it fits your macros), I think that's the way to go, flexible dieting... I feel so relieved. And I think that, as long as the calories and macros are right, it works. Of course you have to take into account the "micros" too and having enough veggies and fiber, which is not a problem at all for me.

So... since a week I'm back to eating my way and lifting my way and I'm so much happier!!!  If I never get to compete, so be it. I'm trying to get the perfect body anyways...and I think I can! Then, if later, when I'm closer to the goal, I do decide that I want to compete, then I will do, but now I just don't want to think about it ...it sets me under pressure.

It was difficult for me to "fire" her but...deep in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I might have been influenced by PT's feedback, his opinion is very important to me...but the decision was all mine. I was already having my doubts concerning her and maybe that commentary pushed me to make the final decision, of which, BTW, I'm proud.

The person who recommended me this coach doesn't seem to talk to me anymore...I don't know if it has to do with me firing the coach or if it has any other reasons...anyways....I try not to care...i'm done with having people in my life who just make me suffer and suck my energy...and money. I have invested so much in that person, mainly emotionally, but also economically and it was not worth it. Some people think others are disposable. That's what I feel, that he considered me a kleenex, so to say. i'm done with him. It's a shame cause I liked it, and he seems lost but one thing is clear...you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped by you... he found another, and then another and then another...disposable girls, disposable friends.... well, guess what, i'm not disposable and there are people out there who appreciate me, acknowledge me and even like me...so why wasting my time with someone who doesn't? i'm done with all the BS! He has brought me more suffering than any other thing...  I was hurt, but I'm not anymore. I have a huge ability for recovery, not only physically, also emptionally, so...that chapter is SO closed!!!!

Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.