Meeting PT and end of the year

Yesterday I had the chance to train with my former PT. It was great. I feel so great training with him. I trust the myn with my life. If he says I can , then I know i can :) I wish I could train with him more often! he told me I have achieved a lot in the 9 months that I'm lifting and I just want to get better and better :)


I tend to not set concrete goals cause I'm afraid i could jinx it, but in my head and heart, I know that I have some goals.... As for my lifting goals i'm pretty sure i'll get there.....As for my physique goals...difficult! I'm confused about what to do. Apparently my BF% is 25% according my profile in bodybuilding.com.... I really don't think it's that high...but it's not low either, so one goal is reducing BF%. Then again , talking to my former PT yesterday, he told me that he does believe I can be a physique competitor at some point but now it's WAAAAYYYY too early!!!! it's just 9 months since I started lifting, and , though my progress is quite good (awesome actually, he  he)... I still have a long way in front of me....So now the goals are a bit confusing... shall I put on (muscle) weight as he says? shall I try to lose the fat lowering calories? I'm confused and I have to figure out what to do... I just want to see progress both in looks and in lifts.

Ideally I'd lose fat and gain muscle but that seems to be quite tricky! So much that some experts say it's not possible...Some say it is possible but "painfully slow".  I'll research about that and see what plan I should follow dietwise. Lifting I'll follow Uzi's plan.

As for the year, even though I have had very low moments, all in all it has been a VERY good year: I started lifting, found a new passion and something which makes me feel good. It's difficult for me to write about the positive things cause i'm having some down days lately...feeling kind of depressed.... lonely.... I hate christmas  :/ but I have to admit that 2013 was probably the best year of my life....maybe 2012 too....similar! :D I'm just happy I started lifting! New passion!

about the happy place and when to train...

My happy place is a bit less happy on friday early evening. The gym is so crowded! Full of bros! Every rest between one set and the next I had someone asked me how many sets to go.... I can't concentrate like that, seriously! I guess I'll stick to different times, up to now the best have been at aroung 2 p.m or really late...like midninght or something like that, especially on the weekend....so, yes, I'll stick to that. Some fitness experts ( Pauline) suggest chaninging the time for better results, like not always training in the morning or not always in the evening. Personally I don't have a set time now that I'm not working, so I can go whenever I want...i can try that of the changing times.... Sometimes i just feel the urge at some given moment , it's like, "I have to go to the gym NOW!" and sometimes I "plan" a bit more. ... My life as it is now is, in that sense, pure luxury! having the time i want.... i'll make sure to take advantage oof that :P

Leg day today after so long not doing pretty much anything...It was hard, quite hard, I even thought to stop in the middle and go home and come back tomorrow...but sure as hell I wouldn't do that, have we met?! It's not my style! Rather training to failure, deloading the weights.... feeling exhausted.... than interrupting. I've NEVER cut a session before I was done.... ok, once with my former PT, he did, bacause it was 3 am and we had started at midnight and he saw I literally couldn't lift a fucking dumbbell...OMG! That was one of the best days of the year! Training with him at that time was really cool! I miss him. Today I thought a lot about him because it happens rarely to me that I am so exhausted that I want to quit. It happens rarely when I'm alone but it happened quite often while training with him.

As for my new coach...i'm still waiting for my plan... soooo looking forward to it. I want to get started as soon as possible. I'm always full of expectations when I open my mailbox...but it doesn't happen .... I hope soon....

About other stuff in my life...what other stuff in my life? Is there anything besides training? Sometimes I wish there wasn't...that says enough.

How the opinions of others DO (unfortunately) matter

I'm still not feeling very well.
I have been thinking and maybe I'm wrong but I think that my feelings have to do with the way I'm treated. I hate the new job among other things because the bosses have to show you all the time that they are your superior, therefore, you are "inferior"... Now that should in the first place not be like that, I hate that, and I was stupid accepting the job cause already the test day I saw how the area manager ( the bitchiest bitch of them all) was treating the rest ( meaning: like crap!) : they (who normally would be quite the outgoing and secure and even bossy people) were afraid and intimidated...Fuck! At that point I though "WTF! I really don't want to work with that woman!" but....then the job was offered to me and I couldn't say no...I guess because of the job name: "trainer"...  I got blinded and  thought I rather take it: Bad decision....I can't cope with that! They making me feel inferior makes me feel inferior in other aspects too: like this idea of mine that I won't be able to achieve a physique or achive anything valuable for me whatever it is.... I have battled all my life against inferiority complex, and when I seemed to have overcome it, rather feeling too confident , which is good for me) than "less than the rest"...then I get this job and everything sucks again... Story of my life! why do I keep doing that to myself? or making the worng choices?

Thing is, if they treat me like crap, I feel like crap. :/ I want to be treated nicely, or at least neutral but not like the last shit of this fucking country, which, BTW, I want to leave ASAP ( so tired of it!!!). They treating me like that feeds my insecurities and then I feel not able to achieve my goals, I choose to give up on them and , of course, that puts me further away from them... It's like that in almost all aspects of my life but for one: lifting! (thank dog!)... The same way as these fucking bitches treat me like crap and make me feel insecure, my (former?) PT is convinced that I can lift, that I can compete in a year, that I'm progressing, he admires my work ethic (that means the world to me!).... and I admire him and I believe and trust him 100%... maybe because of his trust in me and my trust in him, my lifts are still ok, maybe because of his believing in me and me believing in him I haven't given up on lifting.

I need to get out of that job and start being the old me again: confident, happy, enjoying life, having goals.... I had the world in my hands, or rather the perspective to have it, I was enjoying life and feeling capable of anything...then I got this job and everything got screwed.... Fucking shit!

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful... 

Already before starting I was REALLY nervous. He already had told me via email that he would be testing my 1 RM on squats and deadlifts...that sounded scary and also the idea of performing in front of him after so much time. I was doubting myself a little, I have learnt a lot with him but what if I had "unlearnt" and he caught me doing everything wrong...? that would be awful, I felt a bit insecure but wanting to give everything and then some more!

So we met and enter the gym together: test-day at a gym in which neither he nor me have a membership, since now we don't train at the same gym. We started squatting: God, I'm so scared of squatting! We did, after the warm up, of course, my 1 RM which happens to be 75 kg (165,3 lbs) , then 2 setsof each one rep with 70 kg (154,3 lbs) and then my regular set 5x5 with 65 kg (143,3 lbs.) that it's going to be my usual for now, I also did like that yesterday on my own :)... Not too bad but he had expected me to hit 80 kg... Too bad I couldn't.... :/ Next time! :)

Then Deadlifts :) I love the deadlift, it's my favorite lift. We tested my 1 RM: He loaded the bar and I didn't want to count and told him not to tell me til I'm finished cause sometimes the number scares me and I do worse just out of fear...so I did my 1 RM...with bad form I must say and it was... 100 kg ( 220 lbs.) WOW! When he told me I was so happy that I started jumping and hugging him, LOL...It was great cause I had that goal for December and look at me! I achieved it in August! Awesome!

(BTW my bodyweight is about 117 lbs)

He wrote this on my wall:
"Told you that you're a lot stronger than you sometimes think you are Alex , today was a perfect example, keep the work ethic up and an year from now you'll actually be destroying some good numbers and be competing"

That made me so happy!!!! almost as much as having lifted the 100 kg! :D it means a lot of me when he praises me. He's the best and very strict. He never holds back what he has to say be it good or bad, when I'm doing a shit job, he also says that, actually he even "dumped" me I think because of that, of one day me doing awfully bad at the gym and he getting pissed .... Anyway... I'm really happy, and since he said that I could be competing in a year...the idea is in my mind.... a powerlifter girl... that would be like.... AWESOME! ha ha.... but it's just a fantasy for now, not a goal: As a goal I have just keeping up the good work and also getting stronger and leaner...but it was such a motivation boost training with him! I love that guy! Now I also feel more focused. he gave me the guidelines about how to eat and train for my (slow) cut. That's great because I felt lost and now I know what to follow and I'll stick to it. The guy knows his shit for sure! I'm really happy he's my coach and grateful....

And the other day, the day after the training, he told me in a message:

"thanks to you
i hit a PR today
145 x 6 on the squat"

How can I not love him?! LOL.... Srsly...awesome!

Update! About time!!!

Long time no update!!!!! and a lot to tell!!! i'm in a good place again. I'm a positive person and I tend to feel good so my being upset didn't last long  :)  Nevertheless I am still concerned about my appearance and I went to look better. I contacted Andy Morgan to ask about his fees and if he could coach me...he said he doesn't coach vegetarians anymore and told me to contact Joy Victoria (who, btw, is a role model for me), I did and the fees were a bit too expensive for me , so.... I contacted.... whom? exactly, good ol' PT :) :) :) I love that guy, srsly!!! and told him i'm determined to get shredded and I need help...I would prefer HIS help more than any other's cause: he knows me, I've learnt all I know about luifting from him and I just find him awesome...i told him I understand if he says no....there is a reason he "dumped" me on the first place (though that reason still is a mystery to me)...but he accepted :) yay!!!! sometimes you just have to want it and ask for it! what's the worst that can happen? that he says no...I already have the "no" if I don't ask! what's the best...oooohhhh...I'm really curious about that!!! As for now, we are meeting tomorrow and he'll check my form and my 1 MR in squats and deads.... I'm so excited...and terrified!!!!! and he'll gave me the eating guidelines. We were talking long on the phone las saturday (I love when we do that, tho I hate the phone) and I have a rough idea about what I'll be doing: mantainance calories + LOTS of cardio...the bad news are that he doesn't want me to do combat cause he says it is too taxing for my joints :( and cardio on the treadmill, stationary bike, stepmill etc...kinda sux to sux major dick! LOL... Not happy about that but we'll see if we find an agreement.... I'll keep posting ;)


I really WANT to keep on doing BODYCOMBAT but the masochistic part of me wants to do that exhausting cardio.... what for? No idea , since it burns less calories than bodycombat! I guess that somehow in my brain I have that idea that "the more you suffer, the greater the price"... well, not in this case:

55 minutes bodycombat = 400 calories + endorphines + great mood + fun + feeling awesome + happiness
14 minutes on the stationary bike= 90 calories + exhaustion+ frustration + boredom + feeling miserable/hating your life

I want BODYCOMBAT!!!

Long time no written! Someone on Fito mentioned my blog and...yes! my blog! I should update it :P so there we go....

After my PT left me I felt really bad, abandonned and I didn't understand why...It took me a couple of days to make my peace with it, i have to admit, but now I'm perfectly fine...

I have the awfullest time when being or feeling abandonned, I guess that, even tho I insist that I am "cured" still a residue of the BPD is there.... they say it's chronic , that you learn to live with it and I guess that's what I've done...learning to live with it but sometimes...sometimes the feelings overwhelm me so bad...so bad that I go crazy...I can't deal very well with feelings of abandonment.... I get agressive andtho, luckily, I didn't harm myself....well...some furniture paid the consequences...anyways, past is past...recently but i have an inmense capacity of recover, so I'm back on my feet and kicking ass!!! :D

He leaving me hasn't demotivated me to work out...just the oppositte! I have to show him and myself, and the world, that I don't need him...I can, I want, and I will do it on my own!

As always I still keep on looking on the bright side and...it has lsome advantages my PT leaving me: I feel less pressure, and MAINLY I don't have to bulk. I DO believe that body recomposition, though being difficult, IS possible...he doesn't and wanted me to first bulk and then lean out but i'm scared of getting fat...let's not forget I had an eating disorder...seeing myself fat is something I would really hate. I do want more muscle but not if I have to bulk up to 60 kilos and put on a layer of fat, i don't want that. So things are now my way and not his...i'm gonna show him that it IS possible even if he doesn't believe it...jerk! LOL so much about having made my peace with it! LOL

Today it was a rest day and instead of the gym I went to an interview...things are looking good but i don't want to get too excited.... cause i don't want to get disappointed later either...so i'll be updating as things are developing...and I hope for good. ...and I believe so! It's time for me to finally change pace and... I see it happening....I really do.  :)

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.