About competition

I want to write about cometing, not in the sense of a bodybuilding competition but in general competing. Many quotes say you shouldn't compete with others, juyt with yourself...."If you compete against others you get bitter, if you compete against yourself, you get better" and so on.....

Like everything else, something can be true and useful for some but not for others.  It is true that you have to compare your results from today with your previous results and try to get better, yes....but competition against others can also be a motivator. After all most sports are competitive ones, even bodybuilding, there are bodybuilding competitions where people compete against each other. Competing against other people doesn't have to make you bitter, it can also address your drive to get better. I am quite competitive myself and can't help but trying to top someone else....I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a way to stay stimulated. Maybe knowing that someone has done a deadlift of 105 kg makes me take the step to try it myself...and maybe I succeed...so, it can be a motivator!

All this topic came to my mind cause I have seen pictures of a girl who is training for physique competition and she#s having amaying results. If I had stick to it...would I have such amazing results in one month? It's just hypothetical cause it#s not my toime for it.... I doubt I would have her results....but it motivates me to try...could I be as good as her? even better maybe? I don't think so.... but I don't know if I don't try... I'm using that as a motivation to stick to my diet, cause...i think that my liftings are quite ok but my diet is keeping me from having results. I definitely have to be more strict as far as dieting is concerned, mainly about the calories I'm ingesting. Now I have a motivation more. Yes, I'm a bit jealous, but also happy for her, she's doing a great job and it's paying off! Now I have to do a great job too and be patient.

Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.

Time to change things a bit

Today I met my coach at the vegan fest. Not for a session or for a talk but I obviously told him how things in the gym are going...I told him that some of my lifts are not going to well and he asks about how I sleep (well), how I eat (actually more that I should last week) and how I train...now here's where the problem seems to be, I told him that this week I lifted 4 times (planning on a 5th still this week) and cardio 3 times planning on one more..... he told me that's too much and I'm sabotaging myself...that I might need more rest ... Maybe he's right, I'm feeling drained today... But it doesn't seem too much to me...Anyways, he's my coach and I'll do what he tells me, after all I paid him for that.... I also have to get grip on my diet. Last week was soooo awful that I have put on weight, the worst thing being that even putting on weight, my lifts are not better! that's so annoying!!!! I'll do what he told me to! I was thinking about a "shortcut" to lose weight faster, something like the protein sparing modified fast....but I haven't even mentioned that to him cause he would be so mad!!!! I guess I'Ll stick to what he said just decreasing minimally the calories on training days so that I'm always on deficit, at least til I los this one kilo (2,2 lbs) I have put on.... or until I feel more comfortable with my looks....

In other order of things, seeing all these vegan powerlifters today kinda motivated me to keep on trying veganism... the macros are a bit tricky, you have to rely a lot on protein powder to fit them...but so what! it's worth a try! The animals , the climate and my conscience will thank me.... Another thing to it is the challenge: I want to show the world (or whoever wants to know) that it is possible to lift heavy being a vegan and that you can achieve a physique too! Now, if I really want to prove that I have to work hard, not because of veganism per se, but fighting cravings and excesive calories.... Even vegans can go on surplus and eat much more than allowed, vegans don't eat only carrots, LOL.... I have to see that I keep my calories and macros in track! I need support, I need will power.... but here's a new motivation found, whichj I also needed...maybe just being patient , open-minded and letting things come to you without denying them will make everything come into place again...it's my hope!... (hey...i have hope! how great is that?!) :D

Update! About time!!!

Long time no update!!!!! and a lot to tell!!! i'm in a good place again. I'm a positive person and I tend to feel good so my being upset didn't last long  :)  Nevertheless I am still concerned about my appearance and I went to look better. I contacted Andy Morgan to ask about his fees and if he could coach me...he said he doesn't coach vegetarians anymore and told me to contact Joy Victoria (who, btw, is a role model for me), I did and the fees were a bit too expensive for me , so.... I contacted.... whom? exactly, good ol' PT :) :) :) I love that guy, srsly!!! and told him i'm determined to get shredded and I need help...I would prefer HIS help more than any other's cause: he knows me, I've learnt all I know about luifting from him and I just find him awesome...i told him I understand if he says no....there is a reason he "dumped" me on the first place (though that reason still is a mystery to me)...but he accepted :) yay!!!! sometimes you just have to want it and ask for it! what's the worst that can happen? that he says no...I already have the "no" if I don't ask! what's the best...oooohhhh...I'm really curious about that!!! As for now, we are meeting tomorrow and he'll check my form and my 1 MR in squats and deads.... I'm so excited...and terrified!!!!! and he'll gave me the eating guidelines. We were talking long on the phone las saturday (I love when we do that, tho I hate the phone) and I have a rough idea about what I'll be doing: mantainance calories + LOTS of cardio...the bad news are that he doesn't want me to do combat cause he says it is too taxing for my joints :( and cardio on the treadmill, stationary bike, stepmill etc...kinda sux to sux major dick! LOL... Not happy about that but we'll see if we find an agreement.... I'll keep posting ;)


I really WANT to keep on doing BODYCOMBAT but the masochistic part of me wants to do that exhausting cardio.... what for? No idea , since it burns less calories than bodycombat! I guess that somehow in my brain I have that idea that "the more you suffer, the greater the price"... well, not in this case:

55 minutes bodycombat = 400 calories + endorphines + great mood + fun + feeling awesome + happiness
14 minutes on the stationary bike= 90 calories + exhaustion+ frustration + boredom + feeling miserable/hating your life

I want BODYCOMBAT!!!