Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

No excuses

NO EXCUSES! being depressed is NOT an excuse to stop burning calories. I didn't feel like it, I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do and didn't have the energy I usually have, but I did it anyway...why? I don't fucking know! what's the point anyways? I just did it...I don't know what for... to get lean? I don't believe I'll ever get to the point I want cause I'm a fucking mess concerning eating! To have endorphines and feel better?... I could inject them in vein and still feel kinda crappy ... maybe I do feel a bit better, at least I'm not crying...

Update! About time!!!

Long time no update!!!!! and a lot to tell!!! i'm in a good place again. I'm a positive person and I tend to feel good so my being upset didn't last long  :)  Nevertheless I am still concerned about my appearance and I went to look better. I contacted Andy Morgan to ask about his fees and if he could coach me...he said he doesn't coach vegetarians anymore and told me to contact Joy Victoria (who, btw, is a role model for me), I did and the fees were a bit too expensive for me , so.... I contacted.... whom? exactly, good ol' PT :) :) :) I love that guy, srsly!!! and told him i'm determined to get shredded and I need help...I would prefer HIS help more than any other's cause: he knows me, I've learnt all I know about luifting from him and I just find him awesome...i told him I understand if he says no....there is a reason he "dumped" me on the first place (though that reason still is a mystery to me)...but he accepted :) yay!!!! sometimes you just have to want it and ask for it! what's the worst that can happen? that he says no...I already have the "no" if I don't ask! what's the best...oooohhhh...I'm really curious about that!!! As for now, we are meeting tomorrow and he'll check my form and my 1 MR in squats and deads.... I'm so excited...and terrified!!!!! and he'll gave me the eating guidelines. We were talking long on the phone las saturday (I love when we do that, tho I hate the phone) and I have a rough idea about what I'll be doing: mantainance calories + LOTS of cardio...the bad news are that he doesn't want me to do combat cause he says it is too taxing for my joints :( and cardio on the treadmill, stationary bike, stepmill etc...kinda sux to sux major dick! LOL... Not happy about that but we'll see if we find an agreement.... I'll keep posting ;)


I really WANT to keep on doing BODYCOMBAT but the masochistic part of me wants to do that exhausting cardio.... what for? No idea , since it burns less calories than bodycombat! I guess that somehow in my brain I have that idea that "the more you suffer, the greater the price"... well, not in this case:

55 minutes bodycombat = 400 calories + endorphines + great mood + fun + feeling awesome + happiness
14 minutes on the stationary bike= 90 calories + exhaustion+ frustration + boredom + feeling miserable/hating your life

I want BODYCOMBAT!!!

Short entry

BC 55 AWESOME!
Low Cal. Low Carb -> I managed my macros.
Other stuff.... I've got it bad and I've got it good!  LOL