Suicidal thoughts

I just hate that job, the bosses are awful and the schedule too, I have to promote something I don't believe in and I'm just overwhelmed...I like being a trainer...when I don't have a 20 minute class after the other for a complete day, it's draining and it keeps pushing me away from what I wanted for me: my training.... after the job I have little to no energy to train myself... I should have never changed jobs.... Well, if I go to the clinic and I'm on sick leave I'd probably get fired, which is a blessing... I don't know how to confront my boss on monday.... I have to be all bubbly and in a good mood for the customers and with power to motivate the clients to train on the power plate...which, I know, it's not helping them... Believe me if I say it's gonna be tough being bubbly... I just want to get fired. I want something easy and which helps me doing what I like, I just want that, I want to feel good with myself again, I want to have the motivation to compete again...all that is gone now...

I trained yesterday, gave my best, didn't hit any PR but it was more or less ok (worse than usual, though).... but already before training I was thinking "what for?" ... What do I want? what are my goals? my dreams? do I have any? if so, are they important? shall I sacrifice them for a normal life? I'm so quitting that job!but I can't...so sometimes the only thing which seems left for me to do is... you know....and before monday morning. it sounds exaggerated but ....i have had enough of life...even of the good things.... I'm ok if it ends now, I don't need anything else, I won't miss anything once I'm dead.

I'm thinking about my PT now, how would he react if he knew all this.... I wouldn't have any respect from his side if he knew all this, I'd be an ordinary person without drive in his eyes...and he has no respect for that....

I failed.

I failed everybody:

my boss for being on sick leave

my mom for being psychollogically ill

my BFF because of not attending the seminar

my PT because of not having dreams and goals

myself for turning into the person i've turned and not fighting it back.

Depressed

I'm depressed. The trigger is the job but I guess there's something else going on cause it cannot be only the job.... I don't even feel like writing much so I'll copy from a message I wrote a friend:

 I am...suicidal....today the suicidal fantsies became really suicidal thoughts, meaning, thinking how I would do it and not only that I don't want to live.... I know it can get better but.... so what, when i'm dead i won't miss anything anymore.... changing job was a bad decision, it was the trigger for the situation in which I am now...sometimes I feel I'm just not prepared for life.... you know, after all what is life? job and relationship...I always get overwhelmed with my jobs, it's not the first time that that happens to me...and relationships...I have given up for good....

Today I went to the gym but I asked myself "what for?" I don't have any dreams or goals anymore....