Suicidal thoughts

I just hate that job, the bosses are awful and the schedule too, I have to promote something I don't believe in and I'm just overwhelmed...I like being a trainer...when I don't have a 20 minute class after the other for a complete day, it's draining and it keeps pushing me away from what I wanted for me: my training.... after the job I have little to no energy to train myself... I should have never changed jobs.... Well, if I go to the clinic and I'm on sick leave I'd probably get fired, which is a blessing... I don't know how to confront my boss on monday.... I have to be all bubbly and in a good mood for the customers and with power to motivate the clients to train on the power plate...which, I know, it's not helping them... Believe me if I say it's gonna be tough being bubbly... I just want to get fired. I want something easy and which helps me doing what I like, I just want that, I want to feel good with myself again, I want to have the motivation to compete again...all that is gone now...

I trained yesterday, gave my best, didn't hit any PR but it was more or less ok (worse than usual, though).... but already before training I was thinking "what for?" ... What do I want? what are my goals? my dreams? do I have any? if so, are they important? shall I sacrifice them for a normal life? I'm so quitting that job!but I can't...so sometimes the only thing which seems left for me to do is... you know....and before monday morning. it sounds exaggerated but ....i have had enough of life...even of the good things.... I'm ok if it ends now, I don't need anything else, I won't miss anything once I'm dead.

I'm thinking about my PT now, how would he react if he knew all this.... I wouldn't have any respect from his side if he knew all this, I'd be an ordinary person without drive in his eyes...and he has no respect for that....

I failed.

I failed everybody:

my boss for being on sick leave

my mom for being psychollogically ill

my BFF because of not attending the seminar

my PT because of not having dreams and goals

myself for turning into the person i've turned and not fighting it back.

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.