About competition

I want to write about cometing, not in the sense of a bodybuilding competition but in general competing. Many quotes say you shouldn't compete with others, juyt with yourself...."If you compete against others you get bitter, if you compete against yourself, you get better" and so on.....

Like everything else, something can be true and useful for some but not for others.  It is true that you have to compare your results from today with your previous results and try to get better, yes....but competition against others can also be a motivator. After all most sports are competitive ones, even bodybuilding, there are bodybuilding competitions where people compete against each other. Competing against other people doesn't have to make you bitter, it can also address your drive to get better. I am quite competitive myself and can't help but trying to top someone else....I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a way to stay stimulated. Maybe knowing that someone has done a deadlift of 105 kg makes me take the step to try it myself...and maybe I succeed...so, it can be a motivator!

All this topic came to my mind cause I have seen pictures of a girl who is training for physique competition and she#s having amaying results. If I had stick to it...would I have such amazing results in one month? It's just hypothetical cause it#s not my toime for it.... I doubt I would have her results....but it motivates me to try...could I be as good as her? even better maybe? I don't think so.... but I don't know if I don't try... I'm using that as a motivation to stick to my diet, cause...i think that my liftings are quite ok but my diet is keeping me from having results. I definitely have to be more strict as far as dieting is concerned, mainly about the calories I'm ingesting. Now I have a motivation more. Yes, I'm a bit jealous, but also happy for her, she's doing a great job and it's paying off! Now I have to do a great job too and be patient.

Changes

I "fired" my coach.
I'm not going to compete at least for the time being.
I'm going to just "eat, lift and be happy"....what I wasn't doing on the plan. The idea of competing set me too much under pressure so I'm forgetting about that. I just want to look good and lift heavy.

PT told me I don't need a coach anyways, that I know what I have to do: getting strong: a strong muscle is a big muscle. For that I need to keep doing the compounds...and on top of it I can do all the fuckarounditis that I want.... so I'm going back to the basics, which, BTW, I also prefer: Deadlifts, Squats , bench ...and accessory work.

I want PT to be proud of me like he used to. He is the best. I'm sure my coach is great but I'm used to my former PT and I trust him with my life. All I know, I learnt from him, and I have learnt a lot and progressed a lot.... Now he's not coaching me or training me, but he knows I can do it on my own, so i'm doing it on my own. I'm designing a training plan which pretty much is compounds 5x5 + accessory work splitted.... add cardio and you got it. As he says: K.I.S.S -> keep it simple and stupid.

As far as eating is concerned....again back to simple: IIFYM (if it fits your macros), I think that's the way to go, flexible dieting... I feel so relieved. And I think that, as long as the calories and macros are right, it works. Of course you have to take into account the "micros" too and having enough veggies and fiber, which is not a problem at all for me.

So... since a week I'm back to eating my way and lifting my way and I'm so much happier!!!  If I never get to compete, so be it. I'm trying to get the perfect body anyways...and I think I can! Then, if later, when I'm closer to the goal, I do decide that I want to compete, then I will do, but now I just don't want to think about it ...it sets me under pressure.

It was difficult for me to "fire" her but...deep in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I might have been influenced by PT's feedback, his opinion is very important to me...but the decision was all mine. I was already having my doubts concerning her and maybe that commentary pushed me to make the final decision, of which, BTW, I'm proud.

The person who recommended me this coach doesn't seem to talk to me anymore...I don't know if it has to do with me firing the coach or if it has any other reasons...anyways....I try not to care...i'm done with having people in my life who just make me suffer and suck my energy...and money. I have invested so much in that person, mainly emotionally, but also economically and it was not worth it. Some people think others are disposable. That's what I feel, that he considered me a kleenex, so to say. i'm done with him. It's a shame cause I liked it, and he seems lost but one thing is clear...you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped by you... he found another, and then another and then another...disposable girls, disposable friends.... well, guess what, i'm not disposable and there are people out there who appreciate me, acknowledge me and even like me...so why wasting my time with someone who doesn't? i'm done with all the BS! He has brought me more suffering than any other thing...  I was hurt, but I'm not anymore. I have a huge ability for recovery, not only physically, also emptionally, so...that chapter is SO closed!!!!

Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.

so disappointing

Two weeks check-in about meal and training plan: disappointed.
vacation was in between but I sticked to the plan quite much. I love the workouts , I hate the diet...ok I don't like the cardio either and I miss more bodycombat and I miss the compounds and some of the exercises i don't know how to perform. And I hate the smith machine.....

here's what I have written to my coach (some parts):

"Obviously I have done something very wrong. I look even worse than when I started. Concerning the plan, the first week I followed it quite strictly unless for the timing. I rarely manage to have that many meals, so I sometimes have made the 2nd and 3rd into one. Depending also on when I work out, sometimes I've switched the order of some to make sure pre and post workout were actually pre and post workout.

Second week , as you know, I was on vacation and everything went differently. I skipped one workout, the one on tuesday, day I was flying back.
As for the meals, I couldn't calculate exactly cause it was not me cooking, but roughly calculated it fitted my macros and most of it was included in the plan.  I cheated, I confess: everyday I had 1 chocolate cookie with fiber with my breakfast, this "digestive" cookies (about 85 calories and 4 gr. of fat and I tracked it in myfitnesspal) and the last day I was there I ate chocolate (about 40 gr.)

It wasn't easy at all: my cravings for sweets were awful. My bulimic tendencies have gotten worse too. I didn't binge but the urge was there ...or I "binged", sometimes having 3 scoops of whey or some day having 3 tbs of nut butter...oh, God! I'm a mess! " ...and I went on ....


You get the idea...I haven't followed the plan to the T but I think I have followed it quite much and....it wasn't worth it AT ALL!!!! I sacrificed and look worse.

Fuck it all!

I'm off!

Fuck competition. I just want to look good.

So I suggested some changes...let's see what she replies...she's gonna tell me to go to hell! LOL, if I have a coach I should do what she says, but , I kinda have and look worse?...fuck that shit! I didn't expect improvement on the first two weeks but I didn't expect looking worse! So much effort for nothing!!!! I'm really angry and disappointed right now.

Family visit...so scary!

I just arrived to my family`s and I already "sense there´s something in the wind, that seems like tragedy´s at hand..." my mother hates the looks of bodybuilders, especially women bodybuilders.... already talked a bit about what I can eat and what not and she said "you´re on vacation" ...not understanding that I don´t want to sabotage something that is so important to me and takes so much effort... The meals are going to be a problem and my daily visits to the gym too....Am I being selfish? Should I adapt more to her life just for this week so that we preserve the harmony? or should I, for once, stand for my believes and keep on doing what I usually do? ...This is very important to me...but I want harmony with my mother and it´s "only for a week".... I want to stick to my diet, training and goals...but the most important thing now is m y mother and my relationship with her. We see each other once or twice a year so....should I make sacrifices? Which sacrifices am I willing to do? Will I feel better or worse than ifI didn´t do them?... so complicated! I´ll just go with the flow and trust my common sense.... wish me luck!

About fear

They say our head is our worst enemy.
They say you have to visualize what you want in orer to obtain it.
They say you have to be sure you can have it in order to make it happen.....

If all that is right...I'm screwed.....

Today at the showers after my workout I saw some girls having cellullite...actually every woman I see in the shower gym has cellullite. I guess the same thing would happen in the beach, but I don't know cause I do9n't go to the beach..... Even Joy Victoria (a role model for me) talkes about that and linked some posting about that on her nfacebook page. I'm , of course, one of them...and I wonder if it will really ever happen.... that I get to the point of looking competition ready.

Before I go on wit this I want to clarify what this is NOT:
1. I'm not looking for encouragement, people telling me "of course you can do it"... cause they don't know. I know the intention is good....but they don't know, and I don't know If I can make it or not.

2.I'm not fishing for compliments. i know I don't look dreadful (even if I sometimes feel I do), but I don't need the "you're not fat", ""you're looking good" talk...competition is something else, much tougher! If I just wanted compßliments I's post some cute pictures on IG or facebook and I'd get them...that's not the point.

What I want to explain is that... I don't see it happening in my head....maybe that's self-sabotage...? It's not being pessimist...just having doubts...and well founded doubts, not only because of the difficulty of the whole thing and my mind going against it quite often, but also because of...THE FEAR... the fear in a bad kind of way, the fear which paralyses, the fear of failure and the fear of success, the fear of "what's coming next?"  I know all the so well!!! On one hand there is the believe that I can accomplish a lot...actually many things I wanted , I have accomp0lished.... My main problem has been not wanting the best things on the first place or not knowing exactly what I wanted...

The determination I also have and the need to strive. I had the best grades in theater school (though not being the most talented actress) due to my hard work and the need to be the best. Same happened in college...I was one of the best, in some subjects I was even the best, I just put my mind into it and went for it...and got it....

I wanted to come to Germany and I did...and even at jobs I hated I turned to be good or even the best. I'm happy that I have that work ethich and that need to excell....but, at the same time, it paralyses me sometimes.... What if this time I can't be the best? I don't want to settle for less.... that makes me want to leave everything alltogether..... As for my personality, I sometimes believe i could do anything I put my mind into.... I'm a very hard-worker and more than once I proved it.... but why am I so insecure? Maybe because it is important to me....

Actually this writing is being quite therapeutical....as I write, I see more pros than cons and that's indeed very good! i'll go for it... I'll try to be the best, just aiming to the highest point is going to get me somewhere....

I just need three things:
Determination (checked)
Persistance ( checked)
Patience (working on it...)

The "hard-work" I'm not mentioning cause it's kind of a given, duh! and same goes for "focus"... Now I have to believe also that it will happen, visualize it, like it was mentioned yesterday in the movie.....

Off-season 2013 (women's physique in 2014)

I got both my meal-plan and training plan, so...yes, it seems it's getting serious. I'm quite happy about that.
About the meal plan, I said i'd eat meat and I am doing it, but just chicken and fish...I tried ground turkey cause in my plan it is written some lean red meat and that's all I could find, but.... I disliked it a lot! I wanted to make the effort but...turned out I skipped meals just in order not to have it...not ideal! So I asked my coach for substitutions and she adjusted it a bit. Instead of the red meat I can have the chicken and coconut oil.... it doesn't seem ideal to her cause it's a different kind of fat but it's deffinitely better than skipping meals....

So...as far as the meal plan goes, it's quite ok. The only meals that I really enjoy are the pre and post workout meals...which is fine, it makes me feel more like I am on the road to competition, LOL!

Now , the most exciting part....TRAINING!

split routine lifting 6 times a week + cardio 4 times a week...the plan is a secret ;) but I'm really excited about it. I'll start today :)
My coach is so nice that she was ok with me trading her cardio twice a week for bodycombat...That made me REALLY happy cause combat is one of the few things in my life nowadays which really make me happy.... I need that feeling! especially now that I'm feeling a bit down again....

I told my friend and training's partner Kris about the plan and he says for sure I'll make gains :) I can't wait to start seeing results! A fito girl that I know is also working with my coach towars physique and already in two weeks BIG DIFFERENCES to be seen!....but her starting point was more "advanced" (let's put it that way) than mine.... I'm not expecting big changes in such a sort period of time for me...but on the long run.

Today will be my first day on the training program ...I'm looking forward to it...even when wednesday is not my favorite day, I have to do plyo...which I'm not a big fan of.... but I hope the excitement will help me enjoy it :)

My lunch...since I miss sweets, my lunch is potatoes and egg whites with stevia and cinnamon.... In the mood for sweets ...a bit depressed. The weather sux :/