my homework: Therapeutical entry

i'm coming back from  my combat class. I saw my friend M, and after the class we had the chance to chat for a bit. I told her how things have been for me during the last weeks (rather bad, obviously) and she recommended me her therapist. He has helped her a lot and if he has helped her, I'm quite sure he could help me too. M and me are quite similar in many aspects and that's why I think her therapist could help me. She has dealt with the same problems I have but now she's doing so much better than me....so much better! I like her a lot as a person but I can't help feeling "less" that what she is: she has my dream jobs, she's more sociable, she's a combat trainer.... she doesn't have it all but I still see her as "more" than me... I hate this inferiority complex that I sometimes have towards some people...Luckily it's turning better and I don't feel inferior to everybody...but it still happens to me about some people, she being one of them :/

We talked mainly about job and she confirmed what I actually was already thinking: I might not want to be a trainer. Sport is my life, is my passion, my hobbie, what makes me feel good, alive and wanting to go for more, what fulfills me.... I want it to stay like this. If I make out of it my job...would it stay like this ? I don't think so! It's the happy place where I escape when life's too ugly.... where would I escape from the odd normal job life if sport was my daily life? Maybe I want to keep it as that "sacred" place to go when everything else is going wrong. As good as "being a trainer" sounds.... do I really want it? I think I rather prefer a "normal" job in which I don't have to give much from myself and having sport as my passion, my happy place...it's the only thing I have and I don't want to lose it.

We talked about my current situation, I told her about my suicidal thoughts and she told me she had been there and gave me some "homework" to do.... If I was a millionaire.... what would I like to do before being dead? or what would I really want to do now before dying, if money was not an isuue, it can be totally unrealistic,...5 things, go:

(difficult, let me think...)

I'd like to visit some people in the USA and live there for a while
I'd like to participate in a powerlifting competition (long term goal)
I'd like to get proposed and married (Ok, this one might not help, but the opposite, LOL)
Swimming in the sea again (too long I didn't do that)
Have a huge ice-cream , maybe with cookies and not feel guilty about it, ha ha


I don't know...this is difficult! Funny that the question seemed to be in my mind....One fito did an AMA video recently and one of my questions to him was exactly that: if money wasn't an issue, what woud you like to do with your life. He replied "living in the gym" which sounds awesome to me but doesn't apply to this contest even when the question is very similar... So there you go: food for thought!