Long time no written! Someone on Fito mentioned my blog and...yes! my blog! I should update it :P so there we go....

After my PT left me I felt really bad, abandonned and I didn't understand why...It took me a couple of days to make my peace with it, i have to admit, but now I'm perfectly fine...

I have the awfullest time when being or feeling abandonned, I guess that, even tho I insist that I am "cured" still a residue of the BPD is there.... they say it's chronic , that you learn to live with it and I guess that's what I've done...learning to live with it but sometimes...sometimes the feelings overwhelm me so bad...so bad that I go crazy...I can't deal very well with feelings of abandonment.... I get agressive andtho, luckily, I didn't harm myself....well...some furniture paid the consequences...anyways, past is past...recently but i have an inmense capacity of recover, so I'm back on my feet and kicking ass!!! :D

He leaving me hasn't demotivated me to work out...just the oppositte! I have to show him and myself, and the world, that I don't need him...I can, I want, and I will do it on my own!

As always I still keep on looking on the bright side and...it has lsome advantages my PT leaving me: I feel less pressure, and MAINLY I don't have to bulk. I DO believe that body recomposition, though being difficult, IS possible...he doesn't and wanted me to first bulk and then lean out but i'm scared of getting fat...let's not forget I had an eating disorder...seeing myself fat is something I would really hate. I do want more muscle but not if I have to bulk up to 60 kilos and put on a layer of fat, i don't want that. So things are now my way and not his...i'm gonna show him that it IS possible even if he doesn't believe it...jerk! LOL so much about having made my peace with it! LOL

Today it was a rest day and instead of the gym I went to an interview...things are looking good but i don't want to get too excited.... cause i don't want to get disappointed later either...so i'll be updating as things are developing...and I hope for good. ...and I believe so! It's time for me to finally change pace and... I see it happening....I really do.  :)

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.