After my PT left me I felt really bad, abandonned and I didn't understand why...It took me a couple of days to make my peace with it, i have to admit, but now I'm perfectly fine...
I have the awfullest time when being or feeling abandonned, I guess that, even tho I insist that I am "cured" still a residue of the BPD is there.... they say it's chronic , that you learn to live with it and I guess that's what I've done...learning to live with it but sometimes...sometimes the feelings overwhelm me so bad...so bad that I go crazy...I can't deal very well with feelings of abandonment.... I get agressive andtho, luckily, I didn't harm myself....well...some furniture paid the consequences...anyways, past is past...recently but i have an inmense capacity of recover, so I'm back on my feet and kicking ass!!! :D
He leaving me hasn't demotivated me to work out...just the oppositte! I have to show him and myself, and the world, that I don't need him...I can, I want, and I will do it on my own!
As always I still keep on looking on the bright side and...it has lsome advantages my PT leaving me: I feel less pressure, and MAINLY I don't have to bulk. I DO believe that body recomposition, though being difficult, IS possible...he doesn't and wanted me to first bulk and then lean out but i'm scared of getting fat...let's not forget I had an eating disorder...seeing myself fat is something I would really hate. I do want more muscle but not if I have to bulk up to 60 kilos and put on a layer of fat, i don't want that. So things are now my way and not his...i'm gonna show him that it IS possible even if he doesn't believe it...jerk! LOL so much about having made my peace with it! LOL
Today it was a rest day and instead of the gym I went to an interview...things are looking good but i don't want to get too excited.... cause i don't want to get disappointed later either...so i'll be updating as things are developing...and I hope for good. ...and I believe so! It's time for me to finally change pace and... I see it happening....I really do. :)
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