Diet and goals and life and everything around

And now for some stream of consciousness.....

Diet. Follow, Step it up. Regretting again...aaaarrrghhh, whatever, emotionally eating. Yes, emotional, or too tired to be emotional, to be sad, tired to be angry . People =Shit or tire of plying with this bow an arrow. It's so much ...and so little, weekend again, just tired, I should be in bed, head thoughts rushing, waiting, wanting, hoping and dispairing, not dispairing, resigning, and tomorrow is another day, rest day ugh...and so guilty, fuck, diet, diet , diet, and the morning full of hope and now...so lonely, need a cat, no i need "him", i don't need "him" , I don't need anyboby, just me, I just get a little lonely sometimes and not accountable, damn it, I hate myself for that. Txt, No, maybe, i don't know . Sleep...wait, hope, expect, don't expect, never expect. Tired....

rest day post

A non gym-related post for a change ;)

Test-day at a new job and...even not being sure if i want the job or not I was feeling quite down about not doing so great.... do I ask myself for too much`am I so afraid of rejection that I fear already the possibility of being rejected?.... it's difficult! ...but dealing with that feeling is something that I don't manage well.... sometimes we would stick to something that we know we "have" and not venture into the possibility of new things out of fear of being rejected...cause it hurts so much! .... It terrifies me...but then again i'm the kind of person who wants to LIVE and not to lead a shadow/ shallow-life, I want to feel, the good, the bad, I'm passionate.... which puts me at risk! But I like being like this...i've been numb (by choice) for years...and that'*s living being dead...what for? Actually I always wanted to die, passively, I wouldn't try to commit suicide but more often than not I was wishing , yearning for death.... How it has changed! and all because of living an active life! I've changed so much! It's been now a year since I started in the gym and I couldn't be more motivated!!! Can't wait to hit the weights tomorrow...and...tho I was feeling down, now thinking about this and thanks to the awesome people in fitocracy , i feel so much better!

Training with my non-PT

Yesterday he told me i could tag-along...he wouldn't train me, but train with me.... So we were training, he, his brother and myself at the gym where they train, i got a test pass for the day. It was cool, actually he#s a great support and makes me feel safer and more daring.... I hit a PR , squatted over my BW and also a PR in snatch-grip DL...i'm really happy about it... and i'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel abandonned or rejected anymore...seems that my recovery capacity is really good not only physically but also emptionally...that's good! :D

Long time no written! Someone on Fito mentioned my blog and...yes! my blog! I should update it :P so there we go....

After my PT left me I felt really bad, abandonned and I didn't understand why...It took me a couple of days to make my peace with it, i have to admit, but now I'm perfectly fine...

I have the awfullest time when being or feeling abandonned, I guess that, even tho I insist that I am "cured" still a residue of the BPD is there.... they say it's chronic , that you learn to live with it and I guess that's what I've done...learning to live with it but sometimes...sometimes the feelings overwhelm me so bad...so bad that I go crazy...I can't deal very well with feelings of abandonment.... I get agressive andtho, luckily, I didn't harm myself....well...some furniture paid the consequences...anyways, past is past...recently but i have an inmense capacity of recover, so I'm back on my feet and kicking ass!!! :D

He leaving me hasn't demotivated me to work out...just the oppositte! I have to show him and myself, and the world, that I don't need him...I can, I want, and I will do it on my own!

As always I still keep on looking on the bright side and...it has lsome advantages my PT leaving me: I feel less pressure, and MAINLY I don't have to bulk. I DO believe that body recomposition, though being difficult, IS possible...he doesn't and wanted me to first bulk and then lean out but i'm scared of getting fat...let's not forget I had an eating disorder...seeing myself fat is something I would really hate. I do want more muscle but not if I have to bulk up to 60 kilos and put on a layer of fat, i don't want that. So things are now my way and not his...i'm gonna show him that it IS possible even if he doesn't believe it...jerk! LOL so much about having made my peace with it! LOL

Today it was a rest day and instead of the gym I went to an interview...things are looking good but i don't want to get too excited.... cause i don't want to get disappointed later either...so i'll be updating as things are developing...and I hope for good. ...and I believe so! It's time for me to finally change pace and... I see it happening....I really do.  :)

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.

Justifying myself?...no, I won't

I've never been a fan of justifying my acts or myself...If I do something wrong I just learn fro it and if someone points it out, Itake that criticism and try to make it right for next time, in case I have done something wrong...and in case I haven't then I don't need to justify myself.... I hate that: excuses...not for me... I almost never use them, which is rare...normally people actually expect them, like saying : "you're late" and you expect an excuse, like "I was stuck in traffic" or whatever.... Actually not giving the excuse on the first place can come across really strange.... but it's my way to handle things.

What I want to say with this is that: yes, I'm putting on weight, my diet is supossed to make me stronger, I'm supossed to put on weight...and I kinda feel the need to justify it in front of everybody (especially in front of the other girls at the gym)...they will see I'm not as thin as I used to , but...you know what?! fuck that! why do I have to justify my weight gain (or loss if it was the case) in front of anybody?. I know why I'm doing it, it has a purpose, and whatever others may think shouldn't be any worry... Of course it would worry me if I lnow I'm doing something which sabotage my goals, but it's the opositte so...I rather don't listen....

Today at the gym...stupid example: After combat some girl I know told me, like smirking because of it being unpleasant, that I was wet...OF COURSE! I was sweating like crazy cause I was working ou! and I kinda "justified" myself saying I was just out from combat...I should have ignore her...I mean...WTF?!

Another girl at the gym saw a pic of me and said that I wasn't really lifting a lot of weight and I said I'm on the way of getting stronger, maybe I'm not strong yet, and thet the exercise she was refering to, I was doing with one arm , not two...still...why do I bother...? Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but , really, I'm tired of having to please everybody.... If they have something against me, fair enough, haters' gonna hate... but I don't need to justify myself for anything I do as long as I know it's right and it's not hurting anybody.