About anticipation and expectation

Vorfreude: Pleasant anticipation

^this is one of the best feelings ever: Actually there is no exact word in english for that... none that matches 100% anyways....

I was thinking about anticipation and expectation, so similar and at the same time so different! It's like the good and the evil of the same thing. I guess anticipation is when you already know it's going to happen, like looking forward to something that has been confirmed already, while expectation is not, it's just something you want , you hope and expect to happen but you really don't know if it'll happen or not.

Expectation sucks.... So I'm trying to adopt this new philosophy, not expecting anything... I'm so used to "expect" something as a consequence of what I do that I have to actively remind myself NOT to expect. That's a tough one, but so worth it!

I read about that principle 100/0, like giving everything expecting nothing about a week ago. I started putting it into practice and it seemed to make me feel quite good. :) ... then, by not actively thinking, I went back to old patterns (=expecting) only to feel disappointed and sad...So a couple of days ago I told myself to stop and rewind, and focus on not expecting.... it's hard, but that's what it's all about. i'm re-wiring my brain and trying to avoid old patterns of behaviour, cause.... simply... I want to be happy. Happiness is often an option, you can chose not letting bad things get to you and allow the good things get to you . You don't need to be numb or just switch off the feelings completely...just embrace the good ones and make the best you can out of the bad ones.... don't expect, just give and be willing and open to receive, then any good thing that comes your way will seem more valuable. It's easy to let yourself sink into depression and let the bad feelings take over...i'm an expert on that! but it is in those moments that you have to stop and get focused again. It happened to me recently that I noticed I was feeling down and a bit disappointed...why? because expectations lead to disappointment, so I stopped and thought.... "the principle! apply it again, girl!" and I did...and it's difficult not to expect when you really want something or when you're giving but...kinda rewarding....liberating....

Injured

Last week I hurt myself, I don't know exactly how, I just know that it started on friday and I chose to ignore it on saturday doing my shoulder routine as if I wasn't hurting and it got much worse. Now I haven't been able to lift for a complete week and I'm feeling quite bummed about it. Last Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday I did NOTHING! :( then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and yesterday Saturday, just cardio classes...I love them but I want to lift too!!!! Tomorrow I'll visit a chiropractor and I hope she can fix me. I want to be back in the gym the soonest possible.


In other order of things. Since I'm not sure what strategy to follow to get where I want ( to the physique I want, that is) I have contacted a coach and next week I'll have the first consultation with her. I'm so psyched about it! Things are gonna start getting serious! I can't wait! It will definitely be more goal oriented than what I was doing before, oriented to get the physique, not only on gaining strength , which I will do too! I'm really happy about it and looking forward too.

This weekend was the mr.Olympia in Vegas and... now I'm even more motivated! I still don't know for which cathegory I'd be competing: bikini, figure...Definitely not fitness cause I can't do the things they do, I'm fit but I'm not superwoman (and they kind of are!, ha ha). watching the show i'd say my ideal would be figure or physique, but physique seems almost unattainable the natural way....

These were the winners in bikini, figure and physique respectively:

I will have my coach tell me what would be the best division for me...can't wait! I really want this! I want to prove myself and everybody that I can do it. It'll take long...ok, I have time ;)


As for training I can't wait til I am recovered!
My former PT contacted me yesterday and said, I quote " so now training is going to have a whole new meaning you are more then welcome to drop by to train " he has a squat rack at home!!!! so cool!!!! I definitely will go...when I'm recovered, that is...and if he really means it cause...seriously, he says too much and he doesn't always deliver.... He said he would take me to Joni's gym...never happened...and some other stuff...so I'm happy for the offer but I don't rely on it. He's weird.... but since already some time i'm not even trying to understand him, lol, he's cool, I'll take whatever I can use from his advice but not any bullshit.... and , of course, I won't rely on anything he says.... If at the end of the day we manage to train together, that would be awesome, and I will insist on it once I'm recovered.... if we don't... it was actually expected, so no harm.


Best thing is keeping the expectations low.

As for advice concerning eating and working out plan I will follow my new coache's advice and won't let my former PT interfere. I'll gladly train with him, he knows his shit, I have learnt the basics from him and got stronger, He has tought me how to squat , deadlift and bench right, and that's the basis! I couldn't have done it without him. he got me started in a journey that I don't want to give up. I'm really passionate about it!

Damn! So looking forward to training again! Fucking injury!!!!

Enough is enough

I've been thinking, analyzing, making lists and I think I decided to NOT stay in the clinic. I have "therapied" (is that even a word?) myself SUCCESSFULLY in the past. I got out from an eating disorder all by myself, out of self-harm also without help and i have had rough times.... I want to do therapy but the individual one... I think the clinic is not helping much. It has helped, it has helped me seeing what I don't want to be...fair enough, now that I know it, the moment i start being that "being" i'll stop, breath, and "play" the character I like...the other me.... am I nuts? maybe,so what?! whatever makes me happy! each of us have their own answers to survive...mine is this, kinda "splitting"... is that a bit disordered too? (as in dissociative) maybe but it helps me living the way I want, being whom I want to be. You know, Fake it til you make it, LOL! I'm fine. I know what I want so... I will just go for it, give it time and I'll have it. Period.

About gym stuff: I injured myself on friday and on saturday I chose to ignore it and work out anyway.... sunday my back was hurting like a bitch, so Sunday and monday I had to rest. I hope I can work out tomorrow, if possible, I will go everyday during the week, cause I'm freaking out already.

Update

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).

I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.

The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)

Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...

And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!

As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!

The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....

Life sucks.

I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.

One problem less

I was fired. I feel relieved. Now a lot of paperwork and starting therapy on tuesday.

Today I went to a therapist to for ambulant sessions. He seems to know his shit, maybe he'll help. he asked what do I want from the therapy, the question caught me a bit off-guard, but what I want is being able to have a more or less "normal" life. Not ordinary, I woule never like an ordinary life, but I want to be able to live, be able to work, be able to have a relationship, cause, honestly...I'm a wreck:

-I want to find a job that I enjoy doing and the most important, where I'm treated right. But I want to develop the skills to act in the case of not being treated well....act to change things not just being overwhelmed and wanting to die.

-I want to be able to have a relationship. I suck at them....The last guy I liked (and still do) just doesn't write anymore. I guess I did something wrong. He says he has no time and I believe him but again... 5 seconds for a message everybody has...he has changed his attitude towards me completely and it hurts like fucking hell...and what hurts the most is that i still have a tiny bit of hope... That's so dangerous! I know the situation: I lose the guy and feel the loss, then I lose hope and can't cope with the world....well...It won't be like that this time because it wasn't a relationship but it has been like that in the past. I want to change that too.

-And control the eating, I want to do that too.

My therapist seems great.

My life is a mess.

About training: Monday and Wednesday i really went BEAST mode...and my back is still hurting :( so I'm having a rest day ( Usually Friday is my rest day anyway) and will train strengh timorrow and strength and cardio on Sunday. Somehow I'm not as motivated as usual...


*Feeling like shit"

a few things done before I go....

I'm scared. I did some stuff I wantd to have done before leaving. I managed the 231 lbs DL and I told my crush I love him. I gave everything in the gym today, I ate also way too much, I haven't even counted because....what for?" I bougth duct tape...stupid since where I want to do it is not closed enough. I want to do it in the shower cabin. My bathroom is small, so I'll just put some wet towels where the air gets in, so the gas cannot go out, then prepare the mixture and inhale it, I'm thinking of putting a towel (dry) over my head and the bucket. It's gonna smell bad but they say it's done in minutes...

I'm so scared.... do I really want to do it? Yesterday I felt lonlier than even and... overwhelmed!

Today I had a mail from the job again...that always makes me wanna die...Something didn't work well and they didn't receive my sick-leave paper, so they're threatening me that if they don't have it by tomorrow it counts as if I had just not gone...meaning they might want to take me to court or make me pay, or ...who knows?! Damn it! That's so stressful!

The other thing is...well...love...not going good at all... He says he didn't have time...Fuck that! Everybody has time for a message....just I guess he had time for messaging ...just not to message me.... Damn it! Obviously he's not interested and maybe he's interested in that other girl he told me about once...Fuck everybody!!!!!!!... well....not everybody, some people are being great help, thanks fitos! <3 <3 <3

Damn it! I can't... shit! Fuck! so coward!!!! do I want to be rescued or what! Fuck that shit!

I'm thinking now for hours.... I guess I want to be rescued...but nobody is there to rescue me, I feel so lonely... I guess that's a sign, a sign that I should do it....I'm so scared.....

Lonely

Never felt so alone.... I just want to be rescued but the Knight in shiny armor has already made his appearance.... and is gone.... I am alone. I feel alone. ....
Funny that when someone is having their last breakfast they usually don't know It's gonna be the last.... just a thought...
And now... crying myself to sleep? And decide when I wake up? Giving myself more time?  Or sparing the tears and doing it right away?

things I like....

I like sleeping... I guess being dead is different...I like being awaken in my sleep by a message... I wouldn't get awaken if dead...I wouldn't be awaken if alive either, not anymore.... so what's the difference.... Maybe one more night...one more cause I still have hope...? do I?....

I like lifting. My back hurts. If I make it to tomorrow I could lift...or maybe I couldn't....My back hurts....

I like eating...but I know I shouldn't.... If I'm dead that's definitely not an issue anymore. If I'm alive I'll be debating between doing it or not, feeling stressed out and maybe hating myself, or hating life....

I guess first I'll go to sleep...and let's see when I wake up...

Hope's a bitch

 Again.... WHAT FOR?! Somehow my dreams and hopes have crushed..if I had them on the first place. Reality made its appearance again.

Yesterday my doctor seemed worried when I was telling her I was doing good.... maybe because she could suspect what comes next: what I'm experiencing now: another low. I can't live like this forever: I can't go to that job but i'm not putting enough effort on finding a new one.... And do I want to stay in this couintry? No, but ...if I want to leave, that would complicate my life more! and...do I even think that leaving the cointry would mean leaving my problems here?...No miss, your problems come with you in your invisible luggage...You don't even have to pay foe extra baggage, no matter how heavy they are....

I'm having the thoughts again. And I should just do it, not saying anything. Stopping being a drama queen seeking for attention and just doing it. Now it would be a good time actually. BFF's brother will be in town, that means BFF won't contact me.... and I don't really have miore people so...the time seems perfect. I'm glad I didn't throw away the products....

Since the time that I was feeling bad to now , I have lived some good moments, especially last weekend... It's like a good bye present...or I want to see it that way....But enough is enough...of the good, of the bad, of everything....

I might give myself a couple of days more but I DON'T want to make it til monday.... I'Ll keep on doing as planned: paperwork for the therapy and stuff.... who knows, maybe I change my mind last minute....but I don't think so and actually I kinda don't want too....what happens when I'm "rescued"? then I fall again....  Hope's a bitch.

my homework: Therapeutical entry

i'm coming back from  my combat class. I saw my friend M, and after the class we had the chance to chat for a bit. I told her how things have been for me during the last weeks (rather bad, obviously) and she recommended me her therapist. He has helped her a lot and if he has helped her, I'm quite sure he could help me too. M and me are quite similar in many aspects and that's why I think her therapist could help me. She has dealt with the same problems I have but now she's doing so much better than me....so much better! I like her a lot as a person but I can't help feeling "less" that what she is: she has my dream jobs, she's more sociable, she's a combat trainer.... she doesn't have it all but I still see her as "more" than me... I hate this inferiority complex that I sometimes have towards some people...Luckily it's turning better and I don't feel inferior to everybody...but it still happens to me about some people, she being one of them :/

We talked mainly about job and she confirmed what I actually was already thinking: I might not want to be a trainer. Sport is my life, is my passion, my hobbie, what makes me feel good, alive and wanting to go for more, what fulfills me.... I want it to stay like this. If I make out of it my job...would it stay like this ? I don't think so! It's the happy place where I escape when life's too ugly.... where would I escape from the odd normal job life if sport was my daily life? Maybe I want to keep it as that "sacred" place to go when everything else is going wrong. As good as "being a trainer" sounds.... do I really want it? I think I rather prefer a "normal" job in which I don't have to give much from myself and having sport as my passion, my happy place...it's the only thing I have and I don't want to lose it.

We talked about my current situation, I told her about my suicidal thoughts and she told me she had been there and gave me some "homework" to do.... If I was a millionaire.... what would I like to do before being dead? or what would I really want to do now before dying, if money was not an isuue, it can be totally unrealistic,...5 things, go:

(difficult, let me think...)

I'd like to visit some people in the USA and live there for a while
I'd like to participate in a powerlifting competition (long term goal)
I'd like to get proposed and married (Ok, this one might not help, but the opposite, LOL)
Swimming in the sea again (too long I didn't do that)
Have a huge ice-cream , maybe with cookies and not feel guilty about it, ha ha


I don't know...this is difficult! Funny that the question seemed to be in my mind....One fito did an AMA video recently and one of my questions to him was exactly that: if money wasn't an issue, what woud you like to do with your life. He replied "living in the gym" which sounds awesome to me but doesn't apply to this contest even when the question is very similar... So there you go: food for thought!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.

...and I'm feeling good....

As for this very moment I am...I kinda feel tempted to just close my eyes...out of sight, out of minda, and just enjoy this moment cause after so many days, NOW I'm feeling good! :D

and, yes, changing things a bit; I had my bag ready for the gym and I thought: :" Hey miss! not too fast! what did your PT say?" and I decided I'll do only cardio today, meaning, of course, BODYCOMBAT, I'm hoping for a Mix in Steglitz and it would be great if Nessun Dorma was in it!!!!

In other order of things: Yesterday at the vegan Summer fest, the team of Vegan Strength Germany was talking about the team, tem member etc...and they say ATM they don't have bodybuilders in the team and they would be happy to have some....so that got me really interested...then again I'm a newbie and still not 100% vegan but...it's a push to try this vegan thing and I'd be glad to be part of it. Then again I don't want to stay in Germany...but for the time I'm still here maybe...just thinking about it ;)

I've weighted myself today and i'm at the beginning again: I would have started my cut 4 weeks ago but...life came in the way...Sometimes life interferes with our plans...so I'm at the very same point as the moment I started.... same weight..... my lifts are minimally better though... So up for a new start! Starting today just like my PT told me, no radical diets, no extreme cardio...after all I'm not competing any time soon!!!!