Family visit...so scary!

I just arrived to my family`s and I already "sense there´s something in the wind, that seems like tragedy´s at hand..." my mother hates the looks of bodybuilders, especially women bodybuilders.... already talked a bit about what I can eat and what not and she said "you´re on vacation" ...not understanding that I don´t want to sabotage something that is so important to me and takes so much effort... The meals are going to be a problem and my daily visits to the gym too....Am I being selfish? Should I adapt more to her life just for this week so that we preserve the harmony? or should I, for once, stand for my believes and keep on doing what I usually do? ...This is very important to me...but I want harmony with my mother and it´s "only for a week".... I want to stick to my diet, training and goals...but the most important thing now is m y mother and my relationship with her. We see each other once or twice a year so....should I make sacrifices? Which sacrifices am I willing to do? Will I feel better or worse than ifI didn´t do them?... so complicated! I´ll just go with the flow and trust my common sense.... wish me luck!

About fear

They say our head is our worst enemy.
They say you have to visualize what you want in orer to obtain it.
They say you have to be sure you can have it in order to make it happen.....

If all that is right...I'm screwed.....

Today at the showers after my workout I saw some girls having cellullite...actually every woman I see in the shower gym has cellullite. I guess the same thing would happen in the beach, but I don't know cause I do9n't go to the beach..... Even Joy Victoria (a role model for me) talkes about that and linked some posting about that on her nfacebook page. I'm , of course, one of them...and I wonder if it will really ever happen.... that I get to the point of looking competition ready.

Before I go on wit this I want to clarify what this is NOT:
1. I'm not looking for encouragement, people telling me "of course you can do it"... cause they don't know. I know the intention is good....but they don't know, and I don't know If I can make it or not.

2.I'm not fishing for compliments. i know I don't look dreadful (even if I sometimes feel I do), but I don't need the "you're not fat", ""you're looking good" talk...competition is something else, much tougher! If I just wanted compßliments I's post some cute pictures on IG or facebook and I'd get them...that's not the point.

What I want to explain is that... I don't see it happening in my head....maybe that's self-sabotage...? It's not being pessimist...just having doubts...and well founded doubts, not only because of the difficulty of the whole thing and my mind going against it quite often, but also because of...THE FEAR... the fear in a bad kind of way, the fear which paralyses, the fear of failure and the fear of success, the fear of "what's coming next?"  I know all the so well!!! On one hand there is the believe that I can accomplish a lot...actually many things I wanted , I have accomp0lished.... My main problem has been not wanting the best things on the first place or not knowing exactly what I wanted...

The determination I also have and the need to strive. I had the best grades in theater school (though not being the most talented actress) due to my hard work and the need to be the best. Same happened in college...I was one of the best, in some subjects I was even the best, I just put my mind into it and went for it...and got it....

I wanted to come to Germany and I did...and even at jobs I hated I turned to be good or even the best. I'm happy that I have that work ethich and that need to excell....but, at the same time, it paralyses me sometimes.... What if this time I can't be the best? I don't want to settle for less.... that makes me want to leave everything alltogether..... As for my personality, I sometimes believe i could do anything I put my mind into.... I'm a very hard-worker and more than once I proved it.... but why am I so insecure? Maybe because it is important to me....

Actually this writing is being quite therapeutical....as I write, I see more pros than cons and that's indeed very good! i'll go for it... I'll try to be the best, just aiming to the highest point is going to get me somewhere....

I just need three things:
Determination (checked)
Persistance ( checked)
Patience (working on it...)

The "hard-work" I'm not mentioning cause it's kind of a given, duh! and same goes for "focus"... Now I have to believe also that it will happen, visualize it, like it was mentioned yesterday in the movie.....

Off-season 2013 (women's physique in 2014)

I got both my meal-plan and training plan, so...yes, it seems it's getting serious. I'm quite happy about that.
About the meal plan, I said i'd eat meat and I am doing it, but just chicken and fish...I tried ground turkey cause in my plan it is written some lean red meat and that's all I could find, but.... I disliked it a lot! I wanted to make the effort but...turned out I skipped meals just in order not to have it...not ideal! So I asked my coach for substitutions and she adjusted it a bit. Instead of the red meat I can have the chicken and coconut oil.... it doesn't seem ideal to her cause it's a different kind of fat but it's deffinitely better than skipping meals....

So...as far as the meal plan goes, it's quite ok. The only meals that I really enjoy are the pre and post workout meals...which is fine, it makes me feel more like I am on the road to competition, LOL!

Now , the most exciting part....TRAINING!

split routine lifting 6 times a week + cardio 4 times a week...the plan is a secret ;) but I'm really excited about it. I'll start today :)
My coach is so nice that she was ok with me trading her cardio twice a week for bodycombat...That made me REALLY happy cause combat is one of the few things in my life nowadays which really make me happy.... I need that feeling! especially now that I'm feeling a bit down again....

I told my friend and training's partner Kris about the plan and he says for sure I'll make gains :) I can't wait to start seeing results! A fito girl that I know is also working with my coach towars physique and already in two weeks BIG DIFFERENCES to be seen!....but her starting point was more "advanced" (let's put it that way) than mine.... I'm not expecting big changes in such a sort period of time for me...but on the long run.

Today will be my first day on the training program ...I'm looking forward to it...even when wednesday is not my favorite day, I have to do plyo...which I'm not a big fan of.... but I hope the excitement will help me enjoy it :)

My lunch...since I miss sweets, my lunch is potatoes and egg whites with stevia and cinnamon.... In the mood for sweets ...a bit depressed. The weather sux :/

about the happy place and when to train...

My happy place is a bit less happy on friday early evening. The gym is so crowded! Full of bros! Every rest between one set and the next I had someone asked me how many sets to go.... I can't concentrate like that, seriously! I guess I'll stick to different times, up to now the best have been at aroung 2 p.m or really late...like midninght or something like that, especially on the weekend....so, yes, I'll stick to that. Some fitness experts ( Pauline) suggest chaninging the time for better results, like not always training in the morning or not always in the evening. Personally I don't have a set time now that I'm not working, so I can go whenever I want...i can try that of the changing times.... Sometimes i just feel the urge at some given moment , it's like, "I have to go to the gym NOW!" and sometimes I "plan" a bit more. ... My life as it is now is, in that sense, pure luxury! having the time i want.... i'll make sure to take advantage oof that :P

Leg day today after so long not doing pretty much anything...It was hard, quite hard, I even thought to stop in the middle and go home and come back tomorrow...but sure as hell I wouldn't do that, have we met?! It's not my style! Rather training to failure, deloading the weights.... feeling exhausted.... than interrupting. I've NEVER cut a session before I was done.... ok, once with my former PT, he did, bacause it was 3 am and we had started at midnight and he saw I literally couldn't lift a fucking dumbbell...OMG! That was one of the best days of the year! Training with him at that time was really cool! I miss him. Today I thought a lot about him because it happens rarely to me that I am so exhausted that I want to quit. It happens rarely when I'm alone but it happened quite often while training with him.

As for my new coach...i'm still waiting for my plan... soooo looking forward to it. I want to get started as soon as possible. I'm always full of expectations when I open my mailbox...but it doesn't happen .... I hope soon....

About other stuff in my life...what other stuff in my life? Is there anything besides training? Sometimes I wish there wasn't...that says enough.

Combat today

BODYCOMBAT 57 is the shit!!!!! :)
After a kinda weak release  (56) now bodycombat is again whet it used to be ....awesome! As for today, I was at the class doing it for the 4th time only and I really REALLY enjoyed it! ... Before the class I wasn't feeling well....I was very worried about some very loved person who is having a rough time... my mind was blocked cause I really wanted (and still want!!!) to help and I don't know how to....Anyway....thing is, the class made me feel very focused and I could enjoy it!
The choreography is a bit complicated, which I love cause it makes you be more concentrated and it's more of a challenge. We have one new movement and then the jump, which , depending on the instructor, can be more or less challenging since every instructor has their own style.
The music is great, I love all the songs!!!
During the 55 minutes I was happy...and at some point I was plain euphoric! Seriously! EUPHORIC! I wanted to scream on top of my lungs! That's what bodycombat can do to me!!!! that and make me burn over 500 calories :)

here is the sizzler, though it doesn't give you an idea of the actual release, which is A W E S O M E!!!! #TrueLove

In other order of things...my back is almost 100% recovered and can't wait to be lifting again tomorrow! :) I still don't have the plan for my prep (2 year prep, that is!ha ha, but prep after all)...so I have no idea what I will train...probably legs.... I can't wait to get the plan, the training plan and the meal plan cause, to be honest, my eating is lately a fucking mess, the macros are just off and tha calories....tending to rather high.... I also kinda feel like eating meat again...big change after so many years of vegetarianism...

I have uploaded some videos to my youtubechannel of me lifting, just form checks for my coach... It's funny the way I unrack for squatting reminds A LOT to my former PT, you can tell from whom I learnt, ha ha....BTW it's just warm-up weight, and 1st day after the injury, so...believe me, I can do better than that! ha ha

The gym: my happy place

When i'm there i'm focused, I don't think of anything else, just concentrate in what I have to do... Today I did my first set of unassisted dips with the help of Kris, he's awesome

I felt really good there.... I love it! I'm happy that my back almost doesn't hurt anympore and I can train again. My bench Press was also quite ok for being just out of an injury.....

I can't wait to have my new program, meal plan and training plan. i'll do whatever it takes. i'm leaving veganism and even vegetarianism. I'll follow the plan to the T. I want it so bad. I'll be a physique competitor, I will be it. It's gonna be fucking hard! really really difficult, but I'll do it! I know I have what it takes!

Apart from that life is going well in some aspects, i'm delighted with complimentes in RL and internet about my strength , acjhievements and transformation ( muscle building)... carla told me not to build more, which made me very happy, cause that means I already look a bit mor muscular than average... which is not that difficult, lol, since the average is rather fluffy, LOL, I'm so mean.... anyways, I'm on my way to get a lot of muscle and lose all the fat! ALL OF IT!!! ha ha ha...can't wait to get started! I'm so psyqued about it! yes...I do want it so bad!

I was going to complain and whine about my love life...or lack thereof, ha ha! but now thinking of my goals and that I am on the way to achieve them it's RIDICULOUS letting myself be brought down by what a guy might feel or not feel for me or for any other bitch out there. I'm too good for that, ha, think what you want! If I don't feel i'm good enough, nobody would..... now at least is one person, my fucking self! ...and i know there are more...btw!

so...not giving a fuck!!!!! (bangarang)

I'm just looking forward to:

-combat tomorrow
-weight training on friday with Kris
-my meal and training plan (I hope the soonest possible)
-seeing results soon


love sux.

New coach

I'm so excited about this! Things are getting real!!! OMG! it's so cool!  :)
Friday I had my first consultation with my new coach and I hired her. We talked about my goals and how she can help me reach them. Up to now with my former PT ( he said himself he cannot give himself the title of "coach") we focused mainly on strength and form but now we'll be focusing also in changing my body. I told her my goal would be competing in a bb competition, in division figure or physique but that I'm also interested in powerlifting. She's a bodybuilder and powerlifter herself , she's the best, and the toghest question was if I want to do a powerlifting meeting too or gop directly for physique. My main goal is Physique, and she told me I can train first for powerlifting and once I'm done with the meeting, go to physique because what I have trained for powerlifting would help me for physique.... just  I can't train simultaneously for both. She does it, but she's a pro! and i'm still a newbie...So I think I'll go for that possibility: first power lifting and then physique ...though what I REALLY REALLY want in the bottom of my heart is competing for physique, it's like a dream!...I also want to be strong though...damn it! hard decision!

By the end of this weeekend she will give me the meal plan, actually the macro breakdown and later on the training plan. I can't wait to get started!!!! though I have to cause I'm still injured actually, The pain is almost totally gone but I still notice it a bit, it's taking forever to heal!!!!

About the meals: big change: I'm giving up vegetarianism. At least for this first phase until I build enough muscle. maybe later i could be able to mantain in on a vegetarian (even maybe vegan) diet...? Anyway that would be something for the future so I don't need to think about it now. I agreed to eat egg whites and fish.... other kinds of meat would be a bit difficult for me after so many years of being a vegetarian.... Difficult , not impossible...so...maybe i will? ...?...? ha ha...i don't think so but that's not a definite NO!

That has been the story of my life so i'm changing it. Always going down with the calories, losing weight (including muscle), binging, putting on weigh, losing again reducing calories and again and again. It doesn't work! Trying vegetarianism, veganism.... so now I'm changing things and i have the best guidance for that! I'll follow her plan to the T and I'll get to be as awesome as she is <3

This time i'm going to do it, I believe I can and i will. I'm gonna turn the best "me". I feel really motivated :)

In other order of things....i'm trying to be the best me in EVERY field, not only physically but also mentally and spiritually and i'm trying actively to be more generous and expect the least possible or even nothing. Expectations are bad, you have to be able to not expect anything. It's hard but it's rewarding! I'm trying it actively and when I succeed I feel good...but sometimes I have to stop and remind myself about doing it.... some day it will come automatically. :)

And I'm also working on my self-esteem and  getting rid of jealousy. I try to be as rational as possible when it comes to jealousy cause it doesn't make any sense.... stay rational!!! ha ha. Srsly! I just.... I'm in love. <3