Time to change things a bit

Today I met my coach at the vegan fest. Not for a session or for a talk but I obviously told him how things in the gym are going...I told him that some of my lifts are not going to well and he asks about how I sleep (well), how I eat (actually more that I should last week) and how I train...now here's where the problem seems to be, I told him that this week I lifted 4 times (planning on a 5th still this week) and cardio 3 times planning on one more..... he told me that's too much and I'm sabotaging myself...that I might need more rest ... Maybe he's right, I'm feeling drained today... But it doesn't seem too much to me...Anyways, he's my coach and I'll do what he tells me, after all I paid him for that.... I also have to get grip on my diet. Last week was soooo awful that I have put on weight, the worst thing being that even putting on weight, my lifts are not better! that's so annoying!!!! I'll do what he told me to! I was thinking about a "shortcut" to lose weight faster, something like the protein sparing modified fast....but I haven't even mentioned that to him cause he would be so mad!!!! I guess I'Ll stick to what he said just decreasing minimally the calories on training days so that I'm always on deficit, at least til I los this one kilo (2,2 lbs) I have put on.... or until I feel more comfortable with my looks....

In other order of things, seeing all these vegan powerlifters today kinda motivated me to keep on trying veganism... the macros are a bit tricky, you have to rely a lot on protein powder to fit them...but so what! it's worth a try! The animals , the climate and my conscience will thank me.... Another thing to it is the challenge: I want to show the world (or whoever wants to know) that it is possible to lift heavy being a vegan and that you can achieve a physique too! Now, if I really want to prove that I have to work hard, not because of veganism per se, but fighting cravings and excesive calories.... Even vegans can go on surplus and eat much more than allowed, vegans don't eat only carrots, LOL.... I have to see that I keep my calories and macros in track! I need support, I need will power.... but here's a new motivation found, whichj I also needed...maybe just being patient , open-minded and letting things come to you without denying them will make everything come into place again...it's my hope!... (hey...i have hope! how great is that?!) :D

How the opinions of others DO (unfortunately) matter

I'm still not feeling very well.
I have been thinking and maybe I'm wrong but I think that my feelings have to do with the way I'm treated. I hate the new job among other things because the bosses have to show you all the time that they are your superior, therefore, you are "inferior"... Now that should in the first place not be like that, I hate that, and I was stupid accepting the job cause already the test day I saw how the area manager ( the bitchiest bitch of them all) was treating the rest ( meaning: like crap!) : they (who normally would be quite the outgoing and secure and even bossy people) were afraid and intimidated...Fuck! At that point I though "WTF! I really don't want to work with that woman!" but....then the job was offered to me and I couldn't say no...I guess because of the job name: "trainer"...  I got blinded and  thought I rather take it: Bad decision....I can't cope with that! They making me feel inferior makes me feel inferior in other aspects too: like this idea of mine that I won't be able to achieve a physique or achive anything valuable for me whatever it is.... I have battled all my life against inferiority complex, and when I seemed to have overcome it, rather feeling too confident , which is good for me) than "less than the rest"...then I get this job and everything sucks again... Story of my life! why do I keep doing that to myself? or making the worng choices?

Thing is, if they treat me like crap, I feel like crap. :/ I want to be treated nicely, or at least neutral but not like the last shit of this fucking country, which, BTW, I want to leave ASAP ( so tired of it!!!). They treating me like that feeds my insecurities and then I feel not able to achieve my goals, I choose to give up on them and , of course, that puts me further away from them... It's like that in almost all aspects of my life but for one: lifting! (thank dog!)... The same way as these fucking bitches treat me like crap and make me feel insecure, my (former?) PT is convinced that I can lift, that I can compete in a year, that I'm progressing, he admires my work ethic (that means the world to me!).... and I admire him and I believe and trust him 100%... maybe because of his trust in me and my trust in him, my lifts are still ok, maybe because of his believing in me and me believing in him I haven't given up on lifting.

I need to get out of that job and start being the old me again: confident, happy, enjoying life, having goals.... I had the world in my hands, or rather the perspective to have it, I was enjoying life and feeling capable of anything...then I got this job and everything got screwed.... Fucking shit!

Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

Mornings are the worst

Today: day clinic...just for information. I don't think I'll be going there as a patient cause I don't think it's necessary.... I feel much better....just the mornings I don't ...and when I think of the job I don't , I'm always looking hopefully in my mailbox to see a letter getting fired, LOL, I'm really so not ready for life! I'm a chaos...when I don't think, I'm fine. I'm definitely not depressed, i had a good day yesterday, which means back to job next wednesday...I hope I don't make it til next wednesday...I just want to enjoy life a couple of days more and die happy, but now it's just a fantasy, a wish, not a plan or an actual "thought".... I don't know, I got up feeling down.... like...rather not having goals and wishes than having them and not seeing yourself able to achieve them...When I don't think, I'm good...when I think positive ( I sometimes do) I'm good...but then reality makes its way to my thoughts and everything's fucked up....

I want another job, another life.... Damn it! Yesterday at a point I thought I could, that it wozuld take time but I could...get the physique, being admired, having the life I want, getting a guy....and today it's like...."yeah, right, dream on"... I've been also chatting with a very special person lately, he has helped me A LOT!!!! and now I'm developing feelings, which sucks cause I think he's into someone else... the story of my life :/

No excuses

NO EXCUSES! being depressed is NOT an excuse to stop burning calories. I didn't feel like it, I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do and didn't have the energy I usually have, but I did it anyway...why? I don't fucking know! what's the point anyways? I just did it...I don't know what for... to get lean? I don't believe I'll ever get to the point I want cause I'm a fucking mess concerning eating! To have endorphines and feel better?... I could inject them in vein and still feel kinda crappy ... maybe I do feel a bit better, at least I'm not crying...

Suicidal thoughts

I just hate that job, the bosses are awful and the schedule too, I have to promote something I don't believe in and I'm just overwhelmed...I like being a trainer...when I don't have a 20 minute class after the other for a complete day, it's draining and it keeps pushing me away from what I wanted for me: my training.... after the job I have little to no energy to train myself... I should have never changed jobs.... Well, if I go to the clinic and I'm on sick leave I'd probably get fired, which is a blessing... I don't know how to confront my boss on monday.... I have to be all bubbly and in a good mood for the customers and with power to motivate the clients to train on the power plate...which, I know, it's not helping them... Believe me if I say it's gonna be tough being bubbly... I just want to get fired. I want something easy and which helps me doing what I like, I just want that, I want to feel good with myself again, I want to have the motivation to compete again...all that is gone now...

I trained yesterday, gave my best, didn't hit any PR but it was more or less ok (worse than usual, though).... but already before training I was thinking "what for?" ... What do I want? what are my goals? my dreams? do I have any? if so, are they important? shall I sacrifice them for a normal life? I'm so quitting that job!but I can't...so sometimes the only thing which seems left for me to do is... you know....and before monday morning. it sounds exaggerated but ....i have had enough of life...even of the good things.... I'm ok if it ends now, I don't need anything else, I won't miss anything once I'm dead.

I'm thinking about my PT now, how would he react if he knew all this.... I wouldn't have any respect from his side if he knew all this, I'd be an ordinary person without drive in his eyes...and he has no respect for that....

I failed.

I failed everybody:

my boss for being on sick leave

my mom for being psychollogically ill

my BFF because of not attending the seminar

my PT because of not having dreams and goals

myself for turning into the person i've turned and not fighting it back.

Depressed

I'm depressed. The trigger is the job but I guess there's something else going on cause it cannot be only the job.... I don't even feel like writing much so I'll copy from a message I wrote a friend:

 I am...suicidal....today the suicidal fantsies became really suicidal thoughts, meaning, thinking how I would do it and not only that I don't want to live.... I know it can get better but.... so what, when i'm dead i won't miss anything anymore.... changing job was a bad decision, it was the trigger for the situation in which I am now...sometimes I feel I'm just not prepared for life.... you know, after all what is life? job and relationship...I always get overwhelmed with my jobs, it's not the first time that that happens to me...and relationships...I have given up for good....

Today I went to the gym but I asked myself "what for?" I don't have any dreams or goals anymore.... 

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful... 

Already before starting I was REALLY nervous. He already had told me via email that he would be testing my 1 RM on squats and deadlifts...that sounded scary and also the idea of performing in front of him after so much time. I was doubting myself a little, I have learnt a lot with him but what if I had "unlearnt" and he caught me doing everything wrong...? that would be awful, I felt a bit insecure but wanting to give everything and then some more!

So we met and enter the gym together: test-day at a gym in which neither he nor me have a membership, since now we don't train at the same gym. We started squatting: God, I'm so scared of squatting! We did, after the warm up, of course, my 1 RM which happens to be 75 kg (165,3 lbs) , then 2 setsof each one rep with 70 kg (154,3 lbs) and then my regular set 5x5 with 65 kg (143,3 lbs.) that it's going to be my usual for now, I also did like that yesterday on my own :)... Not too bad but he had expected me to hit 80 kg... Too bad I couldn't.... :/ Next time! :)

Then Deadlifts :) I love the deadlift, it's my favorite lift. We tested my 1 RM: He loaded the bar and I didn't want to count and told him not to tell me til I'm finished cause sometimes the number scares me and I do worse just out of fear...so I did my 1 RM...with bad form I must say and it was... 100 kg ( 220 lbs.) WOW! When he told me I was so happy that I started jumping and hugging him, LOL...It was great cause I had that goal for December and look at me! I achieved it in August! Awesome!

(BTW my bodyweight is about 117 lbs)

He wrote this on my wall:
"Told you that you're a lot stronger than you sometimes think you are Alex , today was a perfect example, keep the work ethic up and an year from now you'll actually be destroying some good numbers and be competing"

That made me so happy!!!! almost as much as having lifted the 100 kg! :D it means a lot of me when he praises me. He's the best and very strict. He never holds back what he has to say be it good or bad, when I'm doing a shit job, he also says that, actually he even "dumped" me I think because of that, of one day me doing awfully bad at the gym and he getting pissed .... Anyway... I'm really happy, and since he said that I could be competing in a year...the idea is in my mind.... a powerlifter girl... that would be like.... AWESOME! ha ha.... but it's just a fantasy for now, not a goal: As a goal I have just keeping up the good work and also getting stronger and leaner...but it was such a motivation boost training with him! I love that guy! Now I also feel more focused. he gave me the guidelines about how to eat and train for my (slow) cut. That's great because I felt lost and now I know what to follow and I'll stick to it. The guy knows his shit for sure! I'm really happy he's my coach and grateful....

And the other day, the day after the training, he told me in a message:

"thanks to you
i hit a PR today
145 x 6 on the squat"

How can I not love him?! LOL.... Srsly...awesome!