Meeting PT and end of the year

Yesterday I had the chance to train with my former PT. It was great. I feel so great training with him. I trust the myn with my life. If he says I can , then I know i can :) I wish I could train with him more often! he told me I have achieved a lot in the 9 months that I'm lifting and I just want to get better and better :)


I tend to not set concrete goals cause I'm afraid i could jinx it, but in my head and heart, I know that I have some goals.... As for my lifting goals i'm pretty sure i'll get there.....As for my physique goals...difficult! I'm confused about what to do. Apparently my BF% is 25% according my profile in bodybuilding.com.... I really don't think it's that high...but it's not low either, so one goal is reducing BF%. Then again , talking to my former PT yesterday, he told me that he does believe I can be a physique competitor at some point but now it's WAAAAYYYY too early!!!! it's just 9 months since I started lifting, and , though my progress is quite good (awesome actually, he  he)... I still have a long way in front of me....So now the goals are a bit confusing... shall I put on (muscle) weight as he says? shall I try to lose the fat lowering calories? I'm confused and I have to figure out what to do... I just want to see progress both in looks and in lifts.

Ideally I'd lose fat and gain muscle but that seems to be quite tricky! So much that some experts say it's not possible...Some say it is possible but "painfully slow".  I'll research about that and see what plan I should follow dietwise. Lifting I'll follow Uzi's plan.

As for the year, even though I have had very low moments, all in all it has been a VERY good year: I started lifting, found a new passion and something which makes me feel good. It's difficult for me to write about the positive things cause i'm having some down days lately...feeling kind of depressed.... lonely.... I hate christmas  :/ but I have to admit that 2013 was probably the best year of my life....maybe 2012 too....similar! :D I'm just happy I started lifting! New passion!

Carpal Tunnel Syndrom?

So I went to the doctor yesterday concerning the tingling and elbow problem and she suspects it could be carpal tunnel syndrome. It's not sure yet so I have to get some more test,being one of them on January 22nd....so it's gonna take a while til I know. Until then I'll keep on lifting like I have alwways done. the doctor didn't mention anything concerning lifting so, I assume it's no problem. I feel very  relieved. The news caught me in a bad day, I was exhausted, tired, down....but there was really no need to be so alarmed...i'm back on fitocracy too and m,y training plan will remain the same.

However, this being out of fitocracy and in again is a good thing cause I think I have to be more selective. I was following too many people, some of them were not giving me anything positive. I'll keep my friends and people whose workouts are inspirational or people who can really help me develop in this fitness thing.... but as B. told me the other day, and , as much as I love Fitocracy, I think he's right, fitocracy is becoming a place where people just post revealing pictures of themselves and use it to flirt... Of course you have the choice to participate or not in the groups which are mainly about those things. I stopped long ago to participate in Man Candy Monday and Female Foxy Friday..... then Wake Up Wednesday became also one of "these" groups so I left too. I never even participated in "level up, excuse me whilst I undress" on "Butts" or similar... really...not for me and I think those groups are giving fitocracy a bad name.


I also want to (no matter if in a fitness platform, social network or the gym itself) avoid misleading information. It seems everybody is an expert and feels entitled to give you advice...when you don't even ask for it!!!! The other day in the gym I asked a guy to spot me and he told me that if i was training for strength I shouldn't do more than 4 reps, if I was training for size, no more than 6...First time in my life that I hear that, and I told him about the 5x5 plan and powerlifting, and personal trainers, books...his answer: "They all learn from me".... bitch please!!! how can somebody be so fucking arrogant??!!! Anyways I just wanted to finish my set so I didn't debate with him cause...what for?! I'm a 5"2 girl.... he wouldn't even listen to me...cause hes a "sports teacher"...ugh! And then again, he's telling me how to train for strength...but he wasn't so strong! he was benching 47,5 kg....I was benching 40 kg..... and about size.... he didn't show any muscle at all! If you ask me, he didn't look as if he worked out ...like ever! I'm so sick of smart-asses!

I'm not an expert at all, that's right, but I don't give advice either....especially if I'm not asked for it. If asked then I give the advice I have heard from reliable sources or what has been useful for me and I have learnt from experience.

left fitocracy for now

Saturday I notice a tingling feeling in both hands. I have had this feeling for a long time, but at that point it seemed present all the time while other times came and went.... I aasked a friend of mine who is a nurse and he told me that maybe it's because of lifting wrong.... I don't think I lift wrong...but anyway it could be a pinched nerve or something...I have no idea, I have to see a doctor...I have an appointment tomorrow....The thing is that that friend told me I might not be able to lift heavy again....that piece of "news" crushed me.... I couldn't stop crying just thinking of the possibility of not being able to lift. I just hope he's wrong...At that point I though that, being like that, fitocracy doesn't make any sense for me so...I deleted my account. I don't want to be there if I only can log shit workouts.... it would make me feel ashamed... It hit me quite hard... I still don't know what's wrong, neither if it is actually a problem...but I can't make my peace with the idea.... Now that I'm starting to see results, it would be awful if I had to stop. Now that I found something I like....Ok, I like bodycombat too...but I want to lift, I want the challenge, I want to get stronger and push myself and want to transform my body.

last thursday it was amazing: I got to see my serratus for the first time, I was amazed...Like...seeing progress little by little...and I don't want to stop.

My weekend was plain awful...and I took two rest days (Saturday and Sunday) instead of one :( I was just exhausted, tired, depressed, unmotivated..... Actually I was unmotivated today too but I went to the gym, it was chest day..... and I'm thinking about coming back to fitocracy but I guess I should wait until I know for sure if I can keep on lifting. I really hope so.

I'm still feeling quite down. The gym couldn't cheer me up so much....not today.... :(

Other things I should mention at the appointment tomorrow, apart from the tingling feelinf is the pain in the elbows and the weak knee.... Fuck! I'm a mess!!!!

About competition

I want to write about cometing, not in the sense of a bodybuilding competition but in general competing. Many quotes say you shouldn't compete with others, juyt with yourself...."If you compete against others you get bitter, if you compete against yourself, you get better" and so on.....

Like everything else, something can be true and useful for some but not for others.  It is true that you have to compare your results from today with your previous results and try to get better, yes....but competition against others can also be a motivator. After all most sports are competitive ones, even bodybuilding, there are bodybuilding competitions where people compete against each other. Competing against other people doesn't have to make you bitter, it can also address your drive to get better. I am quite competitive myself and can't help but trying to top someone else....I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a way to stay stimulated. Maybe knowing that someone has done a deadlift of 105 kg makes me take the step to try it myself...and maybe I succeed...so, it can be a motivator!

All this topic came to my mind cause I have seen pictures of a girl who is training for physique competition and she#s having amaying results. If I had stick to it...would I have such amazing results in one month? It's just hypothetical cause it#s not my toime for it.... I doubt I would have her results....but it motivates me to try...could I be as good as her? even better maybe? I don't think so.... but I don't know if I don't try... I'm using that as a motivation to stick to my diet, cause...i think that my liftings are quite ok but my diet is keeping me from having results. I definitely have to be more strict as far as dieting is concerned, mainly about the calories I'm ingesting. Now I have a motivation more. Yes, I'm a bit jealous, but also happy for her, she's doing a great job and it's paying off! Now I have to do a great job too and be patient.

Changes

I "fired" my coach.
I'm not going to compete at least for the time being.
I'm going to just "eat, lift and be happy"....what I wasn't doing on the plan. The idea of competing set me too much under pressure so I'm forgetting about that. I just want to look good and lift heavy.

PT told me I don't need a coach anyways, that I know what I have to do: getting strong: a strong muscle is a big muscle. For that I need to keep doing the compounds...and on top of it I can do all the fuckarounditis that I want.... so I'm going back to the basics, which, BTW, I also prefer: Deadlifts, Squats , bench ...and accessory work.

I want PT to be proud of me like he used to. He is the best. I'm sure my coach is great but I'm used to my former PT and I trust him with my life. All I know, I learnt from him, and I have learnt a lot and progressed a lot.... Now he's not coaching me or training me, but he knows I can do it on my own, so i'm doing it on my own. I'm designing a training plan which pretty much is compounds 5x5 + accessory work splitted.... add cardio and you got it. As he says: K.I.S.S -> keep it simple and stupid.

As far as eating is concerned....again back to simple: IIFYM (if it fits your macros), I think that's the way to go, flexible dieting... I feel so relieved. And I think that, as long as the calories and macros are right, it works. Of course you have to take into account the "micros" too and having enough veggies and fiber, which is not a problem at all for me.

So... since a week I'm back to eating my way and lifting my way and I'm so much happier!!!  If I never get to compete, so be it. I'm trying to get the perfect body anyways...and I think I can! Then, if later, when I'm closer to the goal, I do decide that I want to compete, then I will do, but now I just don't want to think about it ...it sets me under pressure.

It was difficult for me to "fire" her but...deep in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I might have been influenced by PT's feedback, his opinion is very important to me...but the decision was all mine. I was already having my doubts concerning her and maybe that commentary pushed me to make the final decision, of which, BTW, I'm proud.

The person who recommended me this coach doesn't seem to talk to me anymore...I don't know if it has to do with me firing the coach or if it has any other reasons...anyways....I try not to care...i'm done with having people in my life who just make me suffer and suck my energy...and money. I have invested so much in that person, mainly emotionally, but also economically and it was not worth it. Some people think others are disposable. That's what I feel, that he considered me a kleenex, so to say. i'm done with him. It's a shame cause I liked it, and he seems lost but one thing is clear...you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped by you... he found another, and then another and then another...disposable girls, disposable friends.... well, guess what, i'm not disposable and there are people out there who appreciate me, acknowledge me and even like me...so why wasting my time with someone who doesn't? i'm done with all the BS! He has brought me more suffering than any other thing...  I was hurt, but I'm not anymore. I have a huge ability for recovery, not only physically, also emptionally, so...that chapter is SO closed!!!!

Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.

so disappointing

Two weeks check-in about meal and training plan: disappointed.
vacation was in between but I sticked to the plan quite much. I love the workouts , I hate the diet...ok I don't like the cardio either and I miss more bodycombat and I miss the compounds and some of the exercises i don't know how to perform. And I hate the smith machine.....

here's what I have written to my coach (some parts):

"Obviously I have done something very wrong. I look even worse than when I started. Concerning the plan, the first week I followed it quite strictly unless for the timing. I rarely manage to have that many meals, so I sometimes have made the 2nd and 3rd into one. Depending also on when I work out, sometimes I've switched the order of some to make sure pre and post workout were actually pre and post workout.

Second week , as you know, I was on vacation and everything went differently. I skipped one workout, the one on tuesday, day I was flying back.
As for the meals, I couldn't calculate exactly cause it was not me cooking, but roughly calculated it fitted my macros and most of it was included in the plan.  I cheated, I confess: everyday I had 1 chocolate cookie with fiber with my breakfast, this "digestive" cookies (about 85 calories and 4 gr. of fat and I tracked it in myfitnesspal) and the last day I was there I ate chocolate (about 40 gr.)

It wasn't easy at all: my cravings for sweets were awful. My bulimic tendencies have gotten worse too. I didn't binge but the urge was there ...or I "binged", sometimes having 3 scoops of whey or some day having 3 tbs of nut butter...oh, God! I'm a mess! " ...and I went on ....


You get the idea...I haven't followed the plan to the T but I think I have followed it quite much and....it wasn't worth it AT ALL!!!! I sacrificed and look worse.

Fuck it all!

I'm off!

Fuck competition. I just want to look good.

So I suggested some changes...let's see what she replies...she's gonna tell me to go to hell! LOL, if I have a coach I should do what she says, but , I kinda have and look worse?...fuck that shit! I didn't expect improvement on the first two weeks but I didn't expect looking worse! So much effort for nothing!!!! I'm really angry and disappointed right now.

Family visit...so scary!

I just arrived to my family`s and I already "sense there´s something in the wind, that seems like tragedy´s at hand..." my mother hates the looks of bodybuilders, especially women bodybuilders.... already talked a bit about what I can eat and what not and she said "you´re on vacation" ...not understanding that I don´t want to sabotage something that is so important to me and takes so much effort... The meals are going to be a problem and my daily visits to the gym too....Am I being selfish? Should I adapt more to her life just for this week so that we preserve the harmony? or should I, for once, stand for my believes and keep on doing what I usually do? ...This is very important to me...but I want harmony with my mother and it´s "only for a week".... I want to stick to my diet, training and goals...but the most important thing now is m y mother and my relationship with her. We see each other once or twice a year so....should I make sacrifices? Which sacrifices am I willing to do? Will I feel better or worse than ifI didn´t do them?... so complicated! I´ll just go with the flow and trust my common sense.... wish me luck!

About fear

They say our head is our worst enemy.
They say you have to visualize what you want in orer to obtain it.
They say you have to be sure you can have it in order to make it happen.....

If all that is right...I'm screwed.....

Today at the showers after my workout I saw some girls having cellullite...actually every woman I see in the shower gym has cellullite. I guess the same thing would happen in the beach, but I don't know cause I do9n't go to the beach..... Even Joy Victoria (a role model for me) talkes about that and linked some posting about that on her nfacebook page. I'm , of course, one of them...and I wonder if it will really ever happen.... that I get to the point of looking competition ready.

Before I go on wit this I want to clarify what this is NOT:
1. I'm not looking for encouragement, people telling me "of course you can do it"... cause they don't know. I know the intention is good....but they don't know, and I don't know If I can make it or not.

2.I'm not fishing for compliments. i know I don't look dreadful (even if I sometimes feel I do), but I don't need the "you're not fat", ""you're looking good" talk...competition is something else, much tougher! If I just wanted compßliments I's post some cute pictures on IG or facebook and I'd get them...that's not the point.

What I want to explain is that... I don't see it happening in my head....maybe that's self-sabotage...? It's not being pessimist...just having doubts...and well founded doubts, not only because of the difficulty of the whole thing and my mind going against it quite often, but also because of...THE FEAR... the fear in a bad kind of way, the fear which paralyses, the fear of failure and the fear of success, the fear of "what's coming next?"  I know all the so well!!! On one hand there is the believe that I can accomplish a lot...actually many things I wanted , I have accomp0lished.... My main problem has been not wanting the best things on the first place or not knowing exactly what I wanted...

The determination I also have and the need to strive. I had the best grades in theater school (though not being the most talented actress) due to my hard work and the need to be the best. Same happened in college...I was one of the best, in some subjects I was even the best, I just put my mind into it and went for it...and got it....

I wanted to come to Germany and I did...and even at jobs I hated I turned to be good or even the best. I'm happy that I have that work ethich and that need to excell....but, at the same time, it paralyses me sometimes.... What if this time I can't be the best? I don't want to settle for less.... that makes me want to leave everything alltogether..... As for my personality, I sometimes believe i could do anything I put my mind into.... I'm a very hard-worker and more than once I proved it.... but why am I so insecure? Maybe because it is important to me....

Actually this writing is being quite therapeutical....as I write, I see more pros than cons and that's indeed very good! i'll go for it... I'll try to be the best, just aiming to the highest point is going to get me somewhere....

I just need three things:
Determination (checked)
Persistance ( checked)
Patience (working on it...)

The "hard-work" I'm not mentioning cause it's kind of a given, duh! and same goes for "focus"... Now I have to believe also that it will happen, visualize it, like it was mentioned yesterday in the movie.....

Off-season 2013 (women's physique in 2014)

I got both my meal-plan and training plan, so...yes, it seems it's getting serious. I'm quite happy about that.
About the meal plan, I said i'd eat meat and I am doing it, but just chicken and fish...I tried ground turkey cause in my plan it is written some lean red meat and that's all I could find, but.... I disliked it a lot! I wanted to make the effort but...turned out I skipped meals just in order not to have it...not ideal! So I asked my coach for substitutions and she adjusted it a bit. Instead of the red meat I can have the chicken and coconut oil.... it doesn't seem ideal to her cause it's a different kind of fat but it's deffinitely better than skipping meals....

So...as far as the meal plan goes, it's quite ok. The only meals that I really enjoy are the pre and post workout meals...which is fine, it makes me feel more like I am on the road to competition, LOL!

Now , the most exciting part....TRAINING!

split routine lifting 6 times a week + cardio 4 times a week...the plan is a secret ;) but I'm really excited about it. I'll start today :)
My coach is so nice that she was ok with me trading her cardio twice a week for bodycombat...That made me REALLY happy cause combat is one of the few things in my life nowadays which really make me happy.... I need that feeling! especially now that I'm feeling a bit down again....

I told my friend and training's partner Kris about the plan and he says for sure I'll make gains :) I can't wait to start seeing results! A fito girl that I know is also working with my coach towars physique and already in two weeks BIG DIFFERENCES to be seen!....but her starting point was more "advanced" (let's put it that way) than mine.... I'm not expecting big changes in such a sort period of time for me...but on the long run.

Today will be my first day on the training program ...I'm looking forward to it...even when wednesday is not my favorite day, I have to do plyo...which I'm not a big fan of.... but I hope the excitement will help me enjoy it :)

My lunch...since I miss sweets, my lunch is potatoes and egg whites with stevia and cinnamon.... In the mood for sweets ...a bit depressed. The weather sux :/

about the happy place and when to train...

My happy place is a bit less happy on friday early evening. The gym is so crowded! Full of bros! Every rest between one set and the next I had someone asked me how many sets to go.... I can't concentrate like that, seriously! I guess I'll stick to different times, up to now the best have been at aroung 2 p.m or really late...like midninght or something like that, especially on the weekend....so, yes, I'll stick to that. Some fitness experts ( Pauline) suggest chaninging the time for better results, like not always training in the morning or not always in the evening. Personally I don't have a set time now that I'm not working, so I can go whenever I want...i can try that of the changing times.... Sometimes i just feel the urge at some given moment , it's like, "I have to go to the gym NOW!" and sometimes I "plan" a bit more. ... My life as it is now is, in that sense, pure luxury! having the time i want.... i'll make sure to take advantage oof that :P

Leg day today after so long not doing pretty much anything...It was hard, quite hard, I even thought to stop in the middle and go home and come back tomorrow...but sure as hell I wouldn't do that, have we met?! It's not my style! Rather training to failure, deloading the weights.... feeling exhausted.... than interrupting. I've NEVER cut a session before I was done.... ok, once with my former PT, he did, bacause it was 3 am and we had started at midnight and he saw I literally couldn't lift a fucking dumbbell...OMG! That was one of the best days of the year! Training with him at that time was really cool! I miss him. Today I thought a lot about him because it happens rarely to me that I am so exhausted that I want to quit. It happens rarely when I'm alone but it happened quite often while training with him.

As for my new coach...i'm still waiting for my plan... soooo looking forward to it. I want to get started as soon as possible. I'm always full of expectations when I open my mailbox...but it doesn't happen .... I hope soon....

About other stuff in my life...what other stuff in my life? Is there anything besides training? Sometimes I wish there wasn't...that says enough.

Combat today

BODYCOMBAT 57 is the shit!!!!! :)
After a kinda weak release  (56) now bodycombat is again whet it used to be ....awesome! As for today, I was at the class doing it for the 4th time only and I really REALLY enjoyed it! ... Before the class I wasn't feeling well....I was very worried about some very loved person who is having a rough time... my mind was blocked cause I really wanted (and still want!!!) to help and I don't know how to....Anyway....thing is, the class made me feel very focused and I could enjoy it!
The choreography is a bit complicated, which I love cause it makes you be more concentrated and it's more of a challenge. We have one new movement and then the jump, which , depending on the instructor, can be more or less challenging since every instructor has their own style.
The music is great, I love all the songs!!!
During the 55 minutes I was happy...and at some point I was plain euphoric! Seriously! EUPHORIC! I wanted to scream on top of my lungs! That's what bodycombat can do to me!!!! that and make me burn over 500 calories :)

here is the sizzler, though it doesn't give you an idea of the actual release, which is A W E S O M E!!!! #TrueLove

In other order of things...my back is almost 100% recovered and can't wait to be lifting again tomorrow! :) I still don't have the plan for my prep (2 year prep, that is!ha ha, but prep after all)...so I have no idea what I will train...probably legs.... I can't wait to get the plan, the training plan and the meal plan cause, to be honest, my eating is lately a fucking mess, the macros are just off and tha calories....tending to rather high.... I also kinda feel like eating meat again...big change after so many years of vegetarianism...

I have uploaded some videos to my youtubechannel of me lifting, just form checks for my coach... It's funny the way I unrack for squatting reminds A LOT to my former PT, you can tell from whom I learnt, ha ha....BTW it's just warm-up weight, and 1st day after the injury, so...believe me, I can do better than that! ha ha

The gym: my happy place

When i'm there i'm focused, I don't think of anything else, just concentrate in what I have to do... Today I did my first set of unassisted dips with the help of Kris, he's awesome

I felt really good there.... I love it! I'm happy that my back almost doesn't hurt anympore and I can train again. My bench Press was also quite ok for being just out of an injury.....

I can't wait to have my new program, meal plan and training plan. i'll do whatever it takes. i'm leaving veganism and even vegetarianism. I'll follow the plan to the T. I want it so bad. I'll be a physique competitor, I will be it. It's gonna be fucking hard! really really difficult, but I'll do it! I know I have what it takes!

Apart from that life is going well in some aspects, i'm delighted with complimentes in RL and internet about my strength , acjhievements and transformation ( muscle building)... carla told me not to build more, which made me very happy, cause that means I already look a bit mor muscular than average... which is not that difficult, lol, since the average is rather fluffy, LOL, I'm so mean.... anyways, I'm on my way to get a lot of muscle and lose all the fat! ALL OF IT!!! ha ha ha...can't wait to get started! I'm so psyqued about it! yes...I do want it so bad!

I was going to complain and whine about my love life...or lack thereof, ha ha! but now thinking of my goals and that I am on the way to achieve them it's RIDICULOUS letting myself be brought down by what a guy might feel or not feel for me or for any other bitch out there. I'm too good for that, ha, think what you want! If I don't feel i'm good enough, nobody would..... now at least is one person, my fucking self! ...and i know there are more...btw!

so...not giving a fuck!!!!! (bangarang)

I'm just looking forward to:

-combat tomorrow
-weight training on friday with Kris
-my meal and training plan (I hope the soonest possible)
-seeing results soon


love sux.

New coach

I'm so excited about this! Things are getting real!!! OMG! it's so cool!  :)
Friday I had my first consultation with my new coach and I hired her. We talked about my goals and how she can help me reach them. Up to now with my former PT ( he said himself he cannot give himself the title of "coach") we focused mainly on strength and form but now we'll be focusing also in changing my body. I told her my goal would be competing in a bb competition, in division figure or physique but that I'm also interested in powerlifting. She's a bodybuilder and powerlifter herself , she's the best, and the toghest question was if I want to do a powerlifting meeting too or gop directly for physique. My main goal is Physique, and she told me I can train first for powerlifting and once I'm done with the meeting, go to physique because what I have trained for powerlifting would help me for physique.... just  I can't train simultaneously for both. She does it, but she's a pro! and i'm still a newbie...So I think I'll go for that possibility: first power lifting and then physique ...though what I REALLY REALLY want in the bottom of my heart is competing for physique, it's like a dream!...I also want to be strong though...damn it! hard decision!

By the end of this weeekend she will give me the meal plan, actually the macro breakdown and later on the training plan. I can't wait to get started!!!! though I have to cause I'm still injured actually, The pain is almost totally gone but I still notice it a bit, it's taking forever to heal!!!!

About the meals: big change: I'm giving up vegetarianism. At least for this first phase until I build enough muscle. maybe later i could be able to mantain in on a vegetarian (even maybe vegan) diet...? Anyway that would be something for the future so I don't need to think about it now. I agreed to eat egg whites and fish.... other kinds of meat would be a bit difficult for me after so many years of being a vegetarian.... Difficult , not impossible...so...maybe i will? ...?...? ha ha...i don't think so but that's not a definite NO!

That has been the story of my life so i'm changing it. Always going down with the calories, losing weight (including muscle), binging, putting on weigh, losing again reducing calories and again and again. It doesn't work! Trying vegetarianism, veganism.... so now I'm changing things and i have the best guidance for that! I'll follow her plan to the T and I'll get to be as awesome as she is <3

This time i'm going to do it, I believe I can and i will. I'm gonna turn the best "me". I feel really motivated :)

In other order of things....i'm trying to be the best me in EVERY field, not only physically but also mentally and spiritually and i'm trying actively to be more generous and expect the least possible or even nothing. Expectations are bad, you have to be able to not expect anything. It's hard but it's rewarding! I'm trying it actively and when I succeed I feel good...but sometimes I have to stop and remind myself about doing it.... some day it will come automatically. :)

And I'm also working on my self-esteem and  getting rid of jealousy. I try to be as rational as possible when it comes to jealousy cause it doesn't make any sense.... stay rational!!! ha ha. Srsly! I just.... I'm in love. <3

About anticipation and expectation

Vorfreude: Pleasant anticipation

^this is one of the best feelings ever: Actually there is no exact word in english for that... none that matches 100% anyways....

I was thinking about anticipation and expectation, so similar and at the same time so different! It's like the good and the evil of the same thing. I guess anticipation is when you already know it's going to happen, like looking forward to something that has been confirmed already, while expectation is not, it's just something you want , you hope and expect to happen but you really don't know if it'll happen or not.

Expectation sucks.... So I'm trying to adopt this new philosophy, not expecting anything... I'm so used to "expect" something as a consequence of what I do that I have to actively remind myself NOT to expect. That's a tough one, but so worth it!

I read about that principle 100/0, like giving everything expecting nothing about a week ago. I started putting it into practice and it seemed to make me feel quite good. :) ... then, by not actively thinking, I went back to old patterns (=expecting) only to feel disappointed and sad...So a couple of days ago I told myself to stop and rewind, and focus on not expecting.... it's hard, but that's what it's all about. i'm re-wiring my brain and trying to avoid old patterns of behaviour, cause.... simply... I want to be happy. Happiness is often an option, you can chose not letting bad things get to you and allow the good things get to you . You don't need to be numb or just switch off the feelings completely...just embrace the good ones and make the best you can out of the bad ones.... don't expect, just give and be willing and open to receive, then any good thing that comes your way will seem more valuable. It's easy to let yourself sink into depression and let the bad feelings take over...i'm an expert on that! but it is in those moments that you have to stop and get focused again. It happened to me recently that I noticed I was feeling down and a bit disappointed...why? because expectations lead to disappointment, so I stopped and thought.... "the principle! apply it again, girl!" and I did...and it's difficult not to expect when you really want something or when you're giving but...kinda rewarding....liberating....

Injured

Last week I hurt myself, I don't know exactly how, I just know that it started on friday and I chose to ignore it on saturday doing my shoulder routine as if I wasn't hurting and it got much worse. Now I haven't been able to lift for a complete week and I'm feeling quite bummed about it. Last Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday I did NOTHING! :( then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and yesterday Saturday, just cardio classes...I love them but I want to lift too!!!! Tomorrow I'll visit a chiropractor and I hope she can fix me. I want to be back in the gym the soonest possible.


In other order of things. Since I'm not sure what strategy to follow to get where I want ( to the physique I want, that is) I have contacted a coach and next week I'll have the first consultation with her. I'm so psyched about it! Things are gonna start getting serious! I can't wait! It will definitely be more goal oriented than what I was doing before, oriented to get the physique, not only on gaining strength , which I will do too! I'm really happy about it and looking forward too.

This weekend was the mr.Olympia in Vegas and... now I'm even more motivated! I still don't know for which cathegory I'd be competing: bikini, figure...Definitely not fitness cause I can't do the things they do, I'm fit but I'm not superwoman (and they kind of are!, ha ha). watching the show i'd say my ideal would be figure or physique, but physique seems almost unattainable the natural way....

These were the winners in bikini, figure and physique respectively:

I will have my coach tell me what would be the best division for me...can't wait! I really want this! I want to prove myself and everybody that I can do it. It'll take long...ok, I have time ;)


As for training I can't wait til I am recovered!
My former PT contacted me yesterday and said, I quote " so now training is going to have a whole new meaning you are more then welcome to drop by to train " he has a squat rack at home!!!! so cool!!!! I definitely will go...when I'm recovered, that is...and if he really means it cause...seriously, he says too much and he doesn't always deliver.... He said he would take me to Joni's gym...never happened...and some other stuff...so I'm happy for the offer but I don't rely on it. He's weird.... but since already some time i'm not even trying to understand him, lol, he's cool, I'll take whatever I can use from his advice but not any bullshit.... and , of course, I won't rely on anything he says.... If at the end of the day we manage to train together, that would be awesome, and I will insist on it once I'm recovered.... if we don't... it was actually expected, so no harm.


Best thing is keeping the expectations low.

As for advice concerning eating and working out plan I will follow my new coache's advice and won't let my former PT interfere. I'll gladly train with him, he knows his shit, I have learnt the basics from him and got stronger, He has tought me how to squat , deadlift and bench right, and that's the basis! I couldn't have done it without him. he got me started in a journey that I don't want to give up. I'm really passionate about it!

Damn! So looking forward to training again! Fucking injury!!!!

Enough is enough

I've been thinking, analyzing, making lists and I think I decided to NOT stay in the clinic. I have "therapied" (is that even a word?) myself SUCCESSFULLY in the past. I got out from an eating disorder all by myself, out of self-harm also without help and i have had rough times.... I want to do therapy but the individual one... I think the clinic is not helping much. It has helped, it has helped me seeing what I don't want to be...fair enough, now that I know it, the moment i start being that "being" i'll stop, breath, and "play" the character I like...the other me.... am I nuts? maybe,so what?! whatever makes me happy! each of us have their own answers to survive...mine is this, kinda "splitting"... is that a bit disordered too? (as in dissociative) maybe but it helps me living the way I want, being whom I want to be. You know, Fake it til you make it, LOL! I'm fine. I know what I want so... I will just go for it, give it time and I'll have it. Period.

About gym stuff: I injured myself on friday and on saturday I chose to ignore it and work out anyway.... sunday my back was hurting like a bitch, so Sunday and monday I had to rest. I hope I can work out tomorrow, if possible, I will go everyday during the week, cause I'm freaking out already.

Update

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).

I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.

The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)

Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...

And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!

As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!

The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....

Life sucks.

I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.

One problem less

I was fired. I feel relieved. Now a lot of paperwork and starting therapy on tuesday.

Today I went to a therapist to for ambulant sessions. He seems to know his shit, maybe he'll help. he asked what do I want from the therapy, the question caught me a bit off-guard, but what I want is being able to have a more or less "normal" life. Not ordinary, I woule never like an ordinary life, but I want to be able to live, be able to work, be able to have a relationship, cause, honestly...I'm a wreck:

-I want to find a job that I enjoy doing and the most important, where I'm treated right. But I want to develop the skills to act in the case of not being treated well....act to change things not just being overwhelmed and wanting to die.

-I want to be able to have a relationship. I suck at them....The last guy I liked (and still do) just doesn't write anymore. I guess I did something wrong. He says he has no time and I believe him but again... 5 seconds for a message everybody has...he has changed his attitude towards me completely and it hurts like fucking hell...and what hurts the most is that i still have a tiny bit of hope... That's so dangerous! I know the situation: I lose the guy and feel the loss, then I lose hope and can't cope with the world....well...It won't be like that this time because it wasn't a relationship but it has been like that in the past. I want to change that too.

-And control the eating, I want to do that too.

My therapist seems great.

My life is a mess.

About training: Monday and Wednesday i really went BEAST mode...and my back is still hurting :( so I'm having a rest day ( Usually Friday is my rest day anyway) and will train strengh timorrow and strength and cardio on Sunday. Somehow I'm not as motivated as usual...


*Feeling like shit"

a few things done before I go....

I'm scared. I did some stuff I wantd to have done before leaving. I managed the 231 lbs DL and I told my crush I love him. I gave everything in the gym today, I ate also way too much, I haven't even counted because....what for?" I bougth duct tape...stupid since where I want to do it is not closed enough. I want to do it in the shower cabin. My bathroom is small, so I'll just put some wet towels where the air gets in, so the gas cannot go out, then prepare the mixture and inhale it, I'm thinking of putting a towel (dry) over my head and the bucket. It's gonna smell bad but they say it's done in minutes...

I'm so scared.... do I really want to do it? Yesterday I felt lonlier than even and... overwhelmed!

Today I had a mail from the job again...that always makes me wanna die...Something didn't work well and they didn't receive my sick-leave paper, so they're threatening me that if they don't have it by tomorrow it counts as if I had just not gone...meaning they might want to take me to court or make me pay, or ...who knows?! Damn it! That's so stressful!

The other thing is...well...love...not going good at all... He says he didn't have time...Fuck that! Everybody has time for a message....just I guess he had time for messaging ...just not to message me.... Damn it! Obviously he's not interested and maybe he's interested in that other girl he told me about once...Fuck everybody!!!!!!!... well....not everybody, some people are being great help, thanks fitos! <3 <3 <3

Damn it! I can't... shit! Fuck! so coward!!!! do I want to be rescued or what! Fuck that shit!

I'm thinking now for hours.... I guess I want to be rescued...but nobody is there to rescue me, I feel so lonely... I guess that's a sign, a sign that I should do it....I'm so scared.....

Lonely

Never felt so alone.... I just want to be rescued but the Knight in shiny armor has already made his appearance.... and is gone.... I am alone. I feel alone. ....
Funny that when someone is having their last breakfast they usually don't know It's gonna be the last.... just a thought...
And now... crying myself to sleep? And decide when I wake up? Giving myself more time?  Or sparing the tears and doing it right away?

things I like....

I like sleeping... I guess being dead is different...I like being awaken in my sleep by a message... I wouldn't get awaken if dead...I wouldn't be awaken if alive either, not anymore.... so what's the difference.... Maybe one more night...one more cause I still have hope...? do I?....

I like lifting. My back hurts. If I make it to tomorrow I could lift...or maybe I couldn't....My back hurts....

I like eating...but I know I shouldn't.... If I'm dead that's definitely not an issue anymore. If I'm alive I'll be debating between doing it or not, feeling stressed out and maybe hating myself, or hating life....

I guess first I'll go to sleep...and let's see when I wake up...

Hope's a bitch

 Again.... WHAT FOR?! Somehow my dreams and hopes have crushed..if I had them on the first place. Reality made its appearance again.

Yesterday my doctor seemed worried when I was telling her I was doing good.... maybe because she could suspect what comes next: what I'm experiencing now: another low. I can't live like this forever: I can't go to that job but i'm not putting enough effort on finding a new one.... And do I want to stay in this couintry? No, but ...if I want to leave, that would complicate my life more! and...do I even think that leaving the cointry would mean leaving my problems here?...No miss, your problems come with you in your invisible luggage...You don't even have to pay foe extra baggage, no matter how heavy they are....

I'm having the thoughts again. And I should just do it, not saying anything. Stopping being a drama queen seeking for attention and just doing it. Now it would be a good time actually. BFF's brother will be in town, that means BFF won't contact me.... and I don't really have miore people so...the time seems perfect. I'm glad I didn't throw away the products....

Since the time that I was feeling bad to now , I have lived some good moments, especially last weekend... It's like a good bye present...or I want to see it that way....But enough is enough...of the good, of the bad, of everything....

I might give myself a couple of days more but I DON'T want to make it til monday.... I'Ll keep on doing as planned: paperwork for the therapy and stuff.... who knows, maybe I change my mind last minute....but I don't think so and actually I kinda don't want too....what happens when I'm "rescued"? then I fall again....  Hope's a bitch.

my homework: Therapeutical entry

i'm coming back from  my combat class. I saw my friend M, and after the class we had the chance to chat for a bit. I told her how things have been for me during the last weeks (rather bad, obviously) and she recommended me her therapist. He has helped her a lot and if he has helped her, I'm quite sure he could help me too. M and me are quite similar in many aspects and that's why I think her therapist could help me. She has dealt with the same problems I have but now she's doing so much better than me....so much better! I like her a lot as a person but I can't help feeling "less" that what she is: she has my dream jobs, she's more sociable, she's a combat trainer.... she doesn't have it all but I still see her as "more" than me... I hate this inferiority complex that I sometimes have towards some people...Luckily it's turning better and I don't feel inferior to everybody...but it still happens to me about some people, she being one of them :/

We talked mainly about job and she confirmed what I actually was already thinking: I might not want to be a trainer. Sport is my life, is my passion, my hobbie, what makes me feel good, alive and wanting to go for more, what fulfills me.... I want it to stay like this. If I make out of it my job...would it stay like this ? I don't think so! It's the happy place where I escape when life's too ugly.... where would I escape from the odd normal job life if sport was my daily life? Maybe I want to keep it as that "sacred" place to go when everything else is going wrong. As good as "being a trainer" sounds.... do I really want it? I think I rather prefer a "normal" job in which I don't have to give much from myself and having sport as my passion, my happy place...it's the only thing I have and I don't want to lose it.

We talked about my current situation, I told her about my suicidal thoughts and she told me she had been there and gave me some "homework" to do.... If I was a millionaire.... what would I like to do before being dead? or what would I really want to do now before dying, if money was not an isuue, it can be totally unrealistic,...5 things, go:

(difficult, let me think...)

I'd like to visit some people in the USA and live there for a while
I'd like to participate in a powerlifting competition (long term goal)
I'd like to get proposed and married (Ok, this one might not help, but the opposite, LOL)
Swimming in the sea again (too long I didn't do that)
Have a huge ice-cream , maybe with cookies and not feel guilty about it, ha ha


I don't know...this is difficult! Funny that the question seemed to be in my mind....One fito did an AMA video recently and one of my questions to him was exactly that: if money wasn't an issue, what woud you like to do with your life. He replied "living in the gym" which sounds awesome to me but doesn't apply to this contest even when the question is very similar... So there you go: food for thought!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.

...and I'm feeling good....

As for this very moment I am...I kinda feel tempted to just close my eyes...out of sight, out of minda, and just enjoy this moment cause after so many days, NOW I'm feeling good! :D

and, yes, changing things a bit; I had my bag ready for the gym and I thought: :" Hey miss! not too fast! what did your PT say?" and I decided I'll do only cardio today, meaning, of course, BODYCOMBAT, I'm hoping for a Mix in Steglitz and it would be great if Nessun Dorma was in it!!!!

In other order of things: Yesterday at the vegan Summer fest, the team of Vegan Strength Germany was talking about the team, tem member etc...and they say ATM they don't have bodybuilders in the team and they would be happy to have some....so that got me really interested...then again I'm a newbie and still not 100% vegan but...it's a push to try this vegan thing and I'd be glad to be part of it. Then again I don't want to stay in Germany...but for the time I'm still here maybe...just thinking about it ;)

I've weighted myself today and i'm at the beginning again: I would have started my cut 4 weeks ago but...life came in the way...Sometimes life interferes with our plans...so I'm at the very same point as the moment I started.... same weight..... my lifts are minimally better though... So up for a new start! Starting today just like my PT told me, no radical diets, no extreme cardio...after all I'm not competing any time soon!!!!

Time to change things a bit

Today I met my coach at the vegan fest. Not for a session or for a talk but I obviously told him how things in the gym are going...I told him that some of my lifts are not going to well and he asks about how I sleep (well), how I eat (actually more that I should last week) and how I train...now here's where the problem seems to be, I told him that this week I lifted 4 times (planning on a 5th still this week) and cardio 3 times planning on one more..... he told me that's too much and I'm sabotaging myself...that I might need more rest ... Maybe he's right, I'm feeling drained today... But it doesn't seem too much to me...Anyways, he's my coach and I'll do what he tells me, after all I paid him for that.... I also have to get grip on my diet. Last week was soooo awful that I have put on weight, the worst thing being that even putting on weight, my lifts are not better! that's so annoying!!!! I'll do what he told me to! I was thinking about a "shortcut" to lose weight faster, something like the protein sparing modified fast....but I haven't even mentioned that to him cause he would be so mad!!!! I guess I'Ll stick to what he said just decreasing minimally the calories on training days so that I'm always on deficit, at least til I los this one kilo (2,2 lbs) I have put on.... or until I feel more comfortable with my looks....

In other order of things, seeing all these vegan powerlifters today kinda motivated me to keep on trying veganism... the macros are a bit tricky, you have to rely a lot on protein powder to fit them...but so what! it's worth a try! The animals , the climate and my conscience will thank me.... Another thing to it is the challenge: I want to show the world (or whoever wants to know) that it is possible to lift heavy being a vegan and that you can achieve a physique too! Now, if I really want to prove that I have to work hard, not because of veganism per se, but fighting cravings and excesive calories.... Even vegans can go on surplus and eat much more than allowed, vegans don't eat only carrots, LOL.... I have to see that I keep my calories and macros in track! I need support, I need will power.... but here's a new motivation found, whichj I also needed...maybe just being patient , open-minded and letting things come to you without denying them will make everything come into place again...it's my hope!... (hey...i have hope! how great is that?!) :D

How the opinions of others DO (unfortunately) matter

I'm still not feeling very well.
I have been thinking and maybe I'm wrong but I think that my feelings have to do with the way I'm treated. I hate the new job among other things because the bosses have to show you all the time that they are your superior, therefore, you are "inferior"... Now that should in the first place not be like that, I hate that, and I was stupid accepting the job cause already the test day I saw how the area manager ( the bitchiest bitch of them all) was treating the rest ( meaning: like crap!) : they (who normally would be quite the outgoing and secure and even bossy people) were afraid and intimidated...Fuck! At that point I though "WTF! I really don't want to work with that woman!" but....then the job was offered to me and I couldn't say no...I guess because of the job name: "trainer"...  I got blinded and  thought I rather take it: Bad decision....I can't cope with that! They making me feel inferior makes me feel inferior in other aspects too: like this idea of mine that I won't be able to achieve a physique or achive anything valuable for me whatever it is.... I have battled all my life against inferiority complex, and when I seemed to have overcome it, rather feeling too confident , which is good for me) than "less than the rest"...then I get this job and everything sucks again... Story of my life! why do I keep doing that to myself? or making the worng choices?

Thing is, if they treat me like crap, I feel like crap. :/ I want to be treated nicely, or at least neutral but not like the last shit of this fucking country, which, BTW, I want to leave ASAP ( so tired of it!!!). They treating me like that feeds my insecurities and then I feel not able to achieve my goals, I choose to give up on them and , of course, that puts me further away from them... It's like that in almost all aspects of my life but for one: lifting! (thank dog!)... The same way as these fucking bitches treat me like crap and make me feel insecure, my (former?) PT is convinced that I can lift, that I can compete in a year, that I'm progressing, he admires my work ethic (that means the world to me!).... and I admire him and I believe and trust him 100%... maybe because of his trust in me and my trust in him, my lifts are still ok, maybe because of his believing in me and me believing in him I haven't given up on lifting.

I need to get out of that job and start being the old me again: confident, happy, enjoying life, having goals.... I had the world in my hands, or rather the perspective to have it, I was enjoying life and feeling capable of anything...then I got this job and everything got screwed.... Fucking shit!

Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

Mornings are the worst

Today: day clinic...just for information. I don't think I'll be going there as a patient cause I don't think it's necessary.... I feel much better....just the mornings I don't ...and when I think of the job I don't , I'm always looking hopefully in my mailbox to see a letter getting fired, LOL, I'm really so not ready for life! I'm a chaos...when I don't think, I'm fine. I'm definitely not depressed, i had a good day yesterday, which means back to job next wednesday...I hope I don't make it til next wednesday...I just want to enjoy life a couple of days more and die happy, but now it's just a fantasy, a wish, not a plan or an actual "thought".... I don't know, I got up feeling down.... like...rather not having goals and wishes than having them and not seeing yourself able to achieve them...When I don't think, I'm good...when I think positive ( I sometimes do) I'm good...but then reality makes its way to my thoughts and everything's fucked up....

I want another job, another life.... Damn it! Yesterday at a point I thought I could, that it wozuld take time but I could...get the physique, being admired, having the life I want, getting a guy....and today it's like...."yeah, right, dream on"... I've been also chatting with a very special person lately, he has helped me A LOT!!!! and now I'm developing feelings, which sucks cause I think he's into someone else... the story of my life :/

No excuses

NO EXCUSES! being depressed is NOT an excuse to stop burning calories. I didn't feel like it, I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do and didn't have the energy I usually have, but I did it anyway...why? I don't fucking know! what's the point anyways? I just did it...I don't know what for... to get lean? I don't believe I'll ever get to the point I want cause I'm a fucking mess concerning eating! To have endorphines and feel better?... I could inject them in vein and still feel kinda crappy ... maybe I do feel a bit better, at least I'm not crying...

Suicidal thoughts

I just hate that job, the bosses are awful and the schedule too, I have to promote something I don't believe in and I'm just overwhelmed...I like being a trainer...when I don't have a 20 minute class after the other for a complete day, it's draining and it keeps pushing me away from what I wanted for me: my training.... after the job I have little to no energy to train myself... I should have never changed jobs.... Well, if I go to the clinic and I'm on sick leave I'd probably get fired, which is a blessing... I don't know how to confront my boss on monday.... I have to be all bubbly and in a good mood for the customers and with power to motivate the clients to train on the power plate...which, I know, it's not helping them... Believe me if I say it's gonna be tough being bubbly... I just want to get fired. I want something easy and which helps me doing what I like, I just want that, I want to feel good with myself again, I want to have the motivation to compete again...all that is gone now...

I trained yesterday, gave my best, didn't hit any PR but it was more or less ok (worse than usual, though).... but already before training I was thinking "what for?" ... What do I want? what are my goals? my dreams? do I have any? if so, are they important? shall I sacrifice them for a normal life? I'm so quitting that job!but I can't...so sometimes the only thing which seems left for me to do is... you know....and before monday morning. it sounds exaggerated but ....i have had enough of life...even of the good things.... I'm ok if it ends now, I don't need anything else, I won't miss anything once I'm dead.

I'm thinking about my PT now, how would he react if he knew all this.... I wouldn't have any respect from his side if he knew all this, I'd be an ordinary person without drive in his eyes...and he has no respect for that....

I failed.

I failed everybody:

my boss for being on sick leave

my mom for being psychollogically ill

my BFF because of not attending the seminar

my PT because of not having dreams and goals

myself for turning into the person i've turned and not fighting it back.

Depressed

I'm depressed. The trigger is the job but I guess there's something else going on cause it cannot be only the job.... I don't even feel like writing much so I'll copy from a message I wrote a friend:

 I am...suicidal....today the suicidal fantsies became really suicidal thoughts, meaning, thinking how I would do it and not only that I don't want to live.... I know it can get better but.... so what, when i'm dead i won't miss anything anymore.... changing job was a bad decision, it was the trigger for the situation in which I am now...sometimes I feel I'm just not prepared for life.... you know, after all what is life? job and relationship...I always get overwhelmed with my jobs, it's not the first time that that happens to me...and relationships...I have given up for good....

Today I went to the gym but I asked myself "what for?" I don't have any dreams or goals anymore.... 

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful... 

Already before starting I was REALLY nervous. He already had told me via email that he would be testing my 1 RM on squats and deadlifts...that sounded scary and also the idea of performing in front of him after so much time. I was doubting myself a little, I have learnt a lot with him but what if I had "unlearnt" and he caught me doing everything wrong...? that would be awful, I felt a bit insecure but wanting to give everything and then some more!

So we met and enter the gym together: test-day at a gym in which neither he nor me have a membership, since now we don't train at the same gym. We started squatting: God, I'm so scared of squatting! We did, after the warm up, of course, my 1 RM which happens to be 75 kg (165,3 lbs) , then 2 setsof each one rep with 70 kg (154,3 lbs) and then my regular set 5x5 with 65 kg (143,3 lbs.) that it's going to be my usual for now, I also did like that yesterday on my own :)... Not too bad but he had expected me to hit 80 kg... Too bad I couldn't.... :/ Next time! :)

Then Deadlifts :) I love the deadlift, it's my favorite lift. We tested my 1 RM: He loaded the bar and I didn't want to count and told him not to tell me til I'm finished cause sometimes the number scares me and I do worse just out of fear...so I did my 1 RM...with bad form I must say and it was... 100 kg ( 220 lbs.) WOW! When he told me I was so happy that I started jumping and hugging him, LOL...It was great cause I had that goal for December and look at me! I achieved it in August! Awesome!

(BTW my bodyweight is about 117 lbs)

He wrote this on my wall:
"Told you that you're a lot stronger than you sometimes think you are Alex , today was a perfect example, keep the work ethic up and an year from now you'll actually be destroying some good numbers and be competing"

That made me so happy!!!! almost as much as having lifted the 100 kg! :D it means a lot of me when he praises me. He's the best and very strict. He never holds back what he has to say be it good or bad, when I'm doing a shit job, he also says that, actually he even "dumped" me I think because of that, of one day me doing awfully bad at the gym and he getting pissed .... Anyway... I'm really happy, and since he said that I could be competing in a year...the idea is in my mind.... a powerlifter girl... that would be like.... AWESOME! ha ha.... but it's just a fantasy for now, not a goal: As a goal I have just keeping up the good work and also getting stronger and leaner...but it was such a motivation boost training with him! I love that guy! Now I also feel more focused. he gave me the guidelines about how to eat and train for my (slow) cut. That's great because I felt lost and now I know what to follow and I'll stick to it. The guy knows his shit for sure! I'm really happy he's my coach and grateful....

And the other day, the day after the training, he told me in a message:

"thanks to you
i hit a PR today
145 x 6 on the squat"

How can I not love him?! LOL.... Srsly...awesome!

Update! About time!!!

Long time no update!!!!! and a lot to tell!!! i'm in a good place again. I'm a positive person and I tend to feel good so my being upset didn't last long  :)  Nevertheless I am still concerned about my appearance and I went to look better. I contacted Andy Morgan to ask about his fees and if he could coach me...he said he doesn't coach vegetarians anymore and told me to contact Joy Victoria (who, btw, is a role model for me), I did and the fees were a bit too expensive for me , so.... I contacted.... whom? exactly, good ol' PT :) :) :) I love that guy, srsly!!! and told him i'm determined to get shredded and I need help...I would prefer HIS help more than any other's cause: he knows me, I've learnt all I know about luifting from him and I just find him awesome...i told him I understand if he says no....there is a reason he "dumped" me on the first place (though that reason still is a mystery to me)...but he accepted :) yay!!!! sometimes you just have to want it and ask for it! what's the worst that can happen? that he says no...I already have the "no" if I don't ask! what's the best...oooohhhh...I'm really curious about that!!! As for now, we are meeting tomorrow and he'll check my form and my 1 MR in squats and deads.... I'm so excited...and terrified!!!!! and he'll gave me the eating guidelines. We were talking long on the phone las saturday (I love when we do that, tho I hate the phone) and I have a rough idea about what I'll be doing: mantainance calories + LOTS of cardio...the bad news are that he doesn't want me to do combat cause he says it is too taxing for my joints :( and cardio on the treadmill, stationary bike, stepmill etc...kinda sux to sux major dick! LOL... Not happy about that but we'll see if we find an agreement.... I'll keep posting ;)


I really WANT to keep on doing BODYCOMBAT but the masochistic part of me wants to do that exhausting cardio.... what for? No idea , since it burns less calories than bodycombat! I guess that somehow in my brain I have that idea that "the more you suffer, the greater the price"... well, not in this case:

55 minutes bodycombat = 400 calories + endorphines + great mood + fun + feeling awesome + happiness
14 minutes on the stationary bike= 90 calories + exhaustion+ frustration + boredom + feeling miserable/hating your life

I want BODYCOMBAT!!!

I feel disgusting

I feel disGUsTing..... I really need to lose fat, I hate my belly. I'll do it right cause I'm hating myself now for looking like shit.

Reality check and starting the cut

i've been pretty upset lately. Last tuesday a co-worker , just out of the blue and knowing that i'm training told me 2your tummy is sticking out" and 2are you sure you're not eating too much?" that was more than I could bear...It got me depressed all tuesday long, most of wednesday and I still get mad when I think about it...so it's time to put a solution...Now I don't care if I don't have muscle enough to go on a cut, i'm doing it anyway cause the worst thing i can hear is being called fat: call me ugly, stupid, bitch...whatever...but fat...that just hurts, hurts so much....I try to see the positive side, like, taking it as a wake-up call that I should really start cutting and losing fat....not because of caring of what that asshole says or thinks...but because i have come to realise that he's right...he's an ass, but he's right, he doesn't know how to treat people, he doesn'tz know politeness, he is not able to coexist with human beings...but he's right, I'm fat.... so I'm cutting....

Calculated macros for fat loss and I have to stick to it cause otherwise i will hate myself. I know I can do it, but i'm yet to prove it, not to him, to me! I keep on sabotaging me all the time, why? NO! not this time, this time I'm doing it right! Shame on me if I'm not! here's what I calculated...

I have to take extreme measures. It's ging to be the first time I follow it to the T...and I will! with LEANGAINS and IIFYM.

Diet and goals and life and everything around

And now for some stream of consciousness.....

Diet. Follow, Step it up. Regretting again...aaaarrrghhh, whatever, emotionally eating. Yes, emotional, or too tired to be emotional, to be sad, tired to be angry . People =Shit or tire of plying with this bow an arrow. It's so much ...and so little, weekend again, just tired, I should be in bed, head thoughts rushing, waiting, wanting, hoping and dispairing, not dispairing, resigning, and tomorrow is another day, rest day ugh...and so guilty, fuck, diet, diet , diet, and the morning full of hope and now...so lonely, need a cat, no i need "him", i don't need "him" , I don't need anyboby, just me, I just get a little lonely sometimes and not accountable, damn it, I hate myself for that. Txt, No, maybe, i don't know . Sleep...wait, hope, expect, don't expect, never expect. Tired....

rest day post

A non gym-related post for a change ;)

Test-day at a new job and...even not being sure if i want the job or not I was feeling quite down about not doing so great.... do I ask myself for too much`am I so afraid of rejection that I fear already the possibility of being rejected?.... it's difficult! ...but dealing with that feeling is something that I don't manage well.... sometimes we would stick to something that we know we "have" and not venture into the possibility of new things out of fear of being rejected...cause it hurts so much! .... It terrifies me...but then again i'm the kind of person who wants to LIVE and not to lead a shadow/ shallow-life, I want to feel, the good, the bad, I'm passionate.... which puts me at risk! But I like being like this...i've been numb (by choice) for years...and that'*s living being dead...what for? Actually I always wanted to die, passively, I wouldn't try to commit suicide but more often than not I was wishing , yearning for death.... How it has changed! and all because of living an active life! I've changed so much! It's been now a year since I started in the gym and I couldn't be more motivated!!! Can't wait to hit the weights tomorrow...and...tho I was feeling down, now thinking about this and thanks to the awesome people in fitocracy , i feel so much better!

Training with my non-PT

Yesterday he told me i could tag-along...he wouldn't train me, but train with me.... So we were training, he, his brother and myself at the gym where they train, i got a test pass for the day. It was cool, actually he#s a great support and makes me feel safer and more daring.... I hit a PR , squatted over my BW and also a PR in snatch-grip DL...i'm really happy about it... and i'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel abandonned or rejected anymore...seems that my recovery capacity is really good not only physically but also emptionally...that's good! :D

Long time no written! Someone on Fito mentioned my blog and...yes! my blog! I should update it :P so there we go....

After my PT left me I felt really bad, abandonned and I didn't understand why...It took me a couple of days to make my peace with it, i have to admit, but now I'm perfectly fine...

I have the awfullest time when being or feeling abandonned, I guess that, even tho I insist that I am "cured" still a residue of the BPD is there.... they say it's chronic , that you learn to live with it and I guess that's what I've done...learning to live with it but sometimes...sometimes the feelings overwhelm me so bad...so bad that I go crazy...I can't deal very well with feelings of abandonment.... I get agressive andtho, luckily, I didn't harm myself....well...some furniture paid the consequences...anyways, past is past...recently but i have an inmense capacity of recover, so I'm back on my feet and kicking ass!!! :D

He leaving me hasn't demotivated me to work out...just the oppositte! I have to show him and myself, and the world, that I don't need him...I can, I want, and I will do it on my own!

As always I still keep on looking on the bright side and...it has lsome advantages my PT leaving me: I feel less pressure, and MAINLY I don't have to bulk. I DO believe that body recomposition, though being difficult, IS possible...he doesn't and wanted me to first bulk and then lean out but i'm scared of getting fat...let's not forget I had an eating disorder...seeing myself fat is something I would really hate. I do want more muscle but not if I have to bulk up to 60 kilos and put on a layer of fat, i don't want that. So things are now my way and not his...i'm gonna show him that it IS possible even if he doesn't believe it...jerk! LOL so much about having made my peace with it! LOL

Today it was a rest day and instead of the gym I went to an interview...things are looking good but i don't want to get too excited.... cause i don't want to get disappointed later either...so i'll be updating as things are developing...and I hope for good. ...and I believe so! It's time for me to finally change pace and... I see it happening....I really do.  :)

dumped

Now I'm training on my own. It was the awfulest day ever at the gym and my PT couldn't put up with it so....he dumped me...it feels like crap, it feels like when a BF dumps you, just instead of the "we can remain friends" is "you can join me training"...it was too much for him having to plan the sessions and having to take into account if I eat enough, recover enough, etc...then he told me he invests too much time on me for very little money (which is true) cause it's also explaining stuff after the sessions, sending me links on FB (which, btw, I didn't ask for most of the times!)...and he has always said he likes training me.... And now...I fucked up one day, I did, I admit it, I did two sessions of bodycombat yesterday and I haven't recovered enough... that's my fault and I know it,... I didn't know it yesterday, that it would hinder me that much, otherwise I wouldn#t have done two sessions!... And today he was angry cause he had prepared a big volume session and saw i wouldn't be able... I wasn't.... Whe he taught me the "bear" I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to quit training altogether, back to fitness classes and starving myself and get skinny fat, ... it was just a momentary thought....but I fucked up... I don't want that.... but I hate when I feel not able and that's the feeling I had...and instead of sympathy , what do I get? dumped....i get dumped!...maybe i'm better off this way. i'll keep on doing my thing and show him in the future that I can and that I don't need to get fat for that!!! I'll get stong, and muscles, and won't get fat. I trusted him and since I was in his hands i followed his advice to the T, but now that I'm on my own, I'll do what I consider best: changes in my diet and lifting just as heavy and increasing.... If I see I can't then maybe I'll experiment with the diet a bit. As for cardio...he said just ONCE a week... I find it really low but...i'll try and let's see what happens...after all we'll still be in contact and I'll keep him posted about my workouts, it's not like bye-bye forever..."we can still be friends".



I'm not giving up. I've achieved a lot in one month, it would be a waste.