How the opinions of others DO (unfortunately) matter

I'm still not feeling very well.
I have been thinking and maybe I'm wrong but I think that my feelings have to do with the way I'm treated. I hate the new job among other things because the bosses have to show you all the time that they are your superior, therefore, you are "inferior"... Now that should in the first place not be like that, I hate that, and I was stupid accepting the job cause already the test day I saw how the area manager ( the bitchiest bitch of them all) was treating the rest ( meaning: like crap!) : they (who normally would be quite the outgoing and secure and even bossy people) were afraid and intimidated...Fuck! At that point I though "WTF! I really don't want to work with that woman!" but....then the job was offered to me and I couldn't say no...I guess because of the job name: "trainer"...  I got blinded and  thought I rather take it: Bad decision....I can't cope with that! They making me feel inferior makes me feel inferior in other aspects too: like this idea of mine that I won't be able to achieve a physique or achive anything valuable for me whatever it is.... I have battled all my life against inferiority complex, and when I seemed to have overcome it, rather feeling too confident , which is good for me) than "less than the rest"...then I get this job and everything sucks again... Story of my life! why do I keep doing that to myself? or making the worng choices?

Thing is, if they treat me like crap, I feel like crap. :/ I want to be treated nicely, or at least neutral but not like the last shit of this fucking country, which, BTW, I want to leave ASAP ( so tired of it!!!). They treating me like that feeds my insecurities and then I feel not able to achieve my goals, I choose to give up on them and , of course, that puts me further away from them... It's like that in almost all aspects of my life but for one: lifting! (thank dog!)... The same way as these fucking bitches treat me like crap and make me feel insecure, my (former?) PT is convinced that I can lift, that I can compete in a year, that I'm progressing, he admires my work ethic (that means the world to me!).... and I admire him and I believe and trust him 100%... maybe because of his trust in me and my trust in him, my lifts are still ok, maybe because of his believing in me and me believing in him I haven't given up on lifting.

I need to get out of that job and start being the old me again: confident, happy, enjoying life, having goals.... I had the world in my hands, or rather the perspective to have it, I was enjoying life and feeling capable of anything...then I got this job and everything got screwed.... Fucking shit!

Some ramblings

I wanted to burn calories and I said to myself: I won't stop til I reach the 700 and there you go! 710! awesome. :) I wish I was like that with everything else...but when everything seems too difficult...I guess I give up. That's not the way it should be. I wish I could say: I'm not stopping training and dieting til I have the figure I want, a competition figure. I won't give up until I reach this and that goal.... but it seems so far away that I can't stick to it:....I guess I should go for smaller challenges like: having a calorie deficit or...I don't know, oh god I suck at dieting....somehow I don't believe I'll ever be able to look as I want to... 

Today looking at some "fitos" intead of finding inspiration I felt a bit like a loser, many of them have accomplished so much! and I'm stuck :/ ... well, I've achieved a lot in terms of strength....which is also important to me, but not in terms of appearance...which is more important if you wish...cause I want to look good and that people like and admire my looks...also my lifts, of course, but my looks too...but then I look at figure or bikini competitors and I think...I cannot see myself there... :( I want to... but  Idon't think I can.... well...then I'll be another fat powerlifter, lol, I'll impress with my lifts.... that I can see, that IS possible and I know it. I wish I saw also possible the figure competition.... I'd love that...if not for competing, at least to look like one of them.... How I'd love that! *sigh*

I'm still depressed. usually BODYCOMBAT makes me happy...but today it couldn't. Today I did cardio just for the sake of the calories...I was hoping that it could lift up my mood too, but it couldn't all that much...A bit it did...so a ray of light, RELEASE 44 track number 6, the balance challenge: I did it perfectly this time :) I thought: One day it should be me on stage :) LOL.... who knows.... that could be possible I think.... My friend Maria is on strage every Sunday...I want that too....and that I also think I can....

It seems that I have actually given up just on two things....the most important to me: love and looks. 

Then about life, job, etc...I'm just a mess.... I just know i don't want that job.... and my life... my life? what do I want out of it? I've given up on the most important things... shall (in life) "major in the minors"? (what I'm not doing in the gym)...shall I change priorities? Are looks and love so important? is there anything else which could fulfill me as a person? any succesess? powerlifting maybe? having good friends?  

I just want to be happy.... but that's too big of a goal to be achieved...how can I be happy? well, first of all getting rid of this job, that's the most important thing! I should have never changed job!

I forgot to write about the most awesome day of the year!!!

I changed job recently and I work at a power-plate studio: I hate it for many resons:

1. the schedule sucks!!!!! : I don't have time to train or to meet friends..or to sleep!

2. I don't belive in the power plate

3. the job has to do more with selling than with training

4. I have to tell a lot of bullshit to the clients

5. I get to do a lot of overtime

6. My bosses are bitches, my colleagues are pissed.

last week sucked a lot! 

Last Saturday my PT contacted me seeing my postings and suggested we work out together, not as a class, just working out together. We met at about midnight and were training until 3 a.m. It was AWESOME! Squat PR (70 kg = 154,3 lbs) and seeing him squatting 170 kg (374,8 lbs) was awesome! I think I fell in love 8again), LOL... it was inspiring, I felt secure, I felt great, powrful and happy to train with him... One of the best days of the year. I already wanted to hit the gym some time late at night...and much better if it's with him.... and it was great :) 

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Back to the curresnt situation though.....

AWFUL

I have been feeling great for a long time and now I cry everyday all the time. I feel overwhelmed..... I even think nothing's worth anything, neither lifting , nor the quest for a nice body...nothing...what for? I feel I can't bear life itself, I was burnt out from the other job and now I'm unhappy and overwhelmed by the new one...am I able to live in this world? Sometimes I think I'm not and all I want is curl up and die.... i'll make sure not to curl in the squat rack, LOL, at least I haven't lost my sense of humor completely...

I'm doing bad...awful...