Invitation to PL and revamping my program

I haven't written since forever! So...what's new? Depresion is over! yay! and I'm even kind of manic, LOL; I love the feeling!

Now...what's new about training? No t much , unfortunately...My lifts haven't really improved, I'm stalled with bench since two months and with squats since summer...just the deadlift has gotten a tiny bit better. All this frustrates me a bit so I have decided to revamp my program. I'm going to do a minimalist training based on RPT ( reverse pyramid training) following the guide of Martin Berkhan and Andy Morgan. I want to change my diet too cause... i have a lot of fat to lose and summer is approaching quickly. I want to look good!

So my main goals will be:

-losing fat
- improving my lifts
-retain muscle ( ideally, build some more but that's pretty much impossible on a deficit)

I have been invited to a PL meeting in September, I'm really excited about it :) and I want to do a good job, I really have to work on my lifts. I'm hoping this new program helps...it's much less volume , I cut all the accessory work and reduced cardio so that I can recover faster. Maybe , tho I wasn't feeling tired, my lifts were not improving because of lack of recovery.

So my new plan:

Monday:
deadlifts (RPT)
chin-ups (5x5) cause I still don't manage weighted chin-ups
military press (RPT)

Tuesday:
Bodycombat

Wednesday:
Bench press (RPT)
Dips (RPT)
Push ups : 2x15

Thursday:
Bodycombat

Friday:
Squats (RPT)
Face-pulls

It's considerably less than what I was used to, so I hope I can up the weights.

Concerning diet: CUT: deficit, deficit, deficit is the key!
I'll be following IIFYM. I calculated and here`s the result:

It makes me a bit worried cause it is only 15% deficit.... but it should work. The problem with my diet until now was that it was not consistant at all. One day I could be on a deficit, like 1200 but then the next maybe 2000 calories, so at the end of the week I usually had a light surplus or stay at maintenance and I want to avoid that. This 1374 and macro partitioning seems reasonable and doable. For extra motivation I'll be posting everyday, that will help me keep accountable. 

I'm planning to stick to this training and meal plan for 6 weeks and see what happens.

Now I have to stay COMMITTED.

Meeting PT and end of the year

Yesterday I had the chance to train with my former PT. It was great. I feel so great training with him. I trust the myn with my life. If he says I can , then I know i can :) I wish I could train with him more often! he told me I have achieved a lot in the 9 months that I'm lifting and I just want to get better and better :)


I tend to not set concrete goals cause I'm afraid i could jinx it, but in my head and heart, I know that I have some goals.... As for my lifting goals i'm pretty sure i'll get there.....As for my physique goals...difficult! I'm confused about what to do. Apparently my BF% is 25% according my profile in bodybuilding.com.... I really don't think it's that high...but it's not low either, so one goal is reducing BF%. Then again , talking to my former PT yesterday, he told me that he does believe I can be a physique competitor at some point but now it's WAAAAYYYY too early!!!! it's just 9 months since I started lifting, and , though my progress is quite good (awesome actually, he  he)... I still have a long way in front of me....So now the goals are a bit confusing... shall I put on (muscle) weight as he says? shall I try to lose the fat lowering calories? I'm confused and I have to figure out what to do... I just want to see progress both in looks and in lifts.

Ideally I'd lose fat and gain muscle but that seems to be quite tricky! So much that some experts say it's not possible...Some say it is possible but "painfully slow".  I'll research about that and see what plan I should follow dietwise. Lifting I'll follow Uzi's plan.

As for the year, even though I have had very low moments, all in all it has been a VERY good year: I started lifting, found a new passion and something which makes me feel good. It's difficult for me to write about the positive things cause i'm having some down days lately...feeling kind of depressed.... lonely.... I hate christmas  :/ but I have to admit that 2013 was probably the best year of my life....maybe 2012 too....similar! :D I'm just happy I started lifting! New passion!

Carpal Tunnel Syndrom?

So I went to the doctor yesterday concerning the tingling and elbow problem and she suspects it could be carpal tunnel syndrome. It's not sure yet so I have to get some more test,being one of them on January 22nd....so it's gonna take a while til I know. Until then I'll keep on lifting like I have alwways done. the doctor didn't mention anything concerning lifting so, I assume it's no problem. I feel very  relieved. The news caught me in a bad day, I was exhausted, tired, down....but there was really no need to be so alarmed...i'm back on fitocracy too and m,y training plan will remain the same.

However, this being out of fitocracy and in again is a good thing cause I think I have to be more selective. I was following too many people, some of them were not giving me anything positive. I'll keep my friends and people whose workouts are inspirational or people who can really help me develop in this fitness thing.... but as B. told me the other day, and , as much as I love Fitocracy, I think he's right, fitocracy is becoming a place where people just post revealing pictures of themselves and use it to flirt... Of course you have the choice to participate or not in the groups which are mainly about those things. I stopped long ago to participate in Man Candy Monday and Female Foxy Friday..... then Wake Up Wednesday became also one of "these" groups so I left too. I never even participated in "level up, excuse me whilst I undress" on "Butts" or similar... really...not for me and I think those groups are giving fitocracy a bad name.


I also want to (no matter if in a fitness platform, social network or the gym itself) avoid misleading information. It seems everybody is an expert and feels entitled to give you advice...when you don't even ask for it!!!! The other day in the gym I asked a guy to spot me and he told me that if i was training for strength I shouldn't do more than 4 reps, if I was training for size, no more than 6...First time in my life that I hear that, and I told him about the 5x5 plan and powerlifting, and personal trainers, books...his answer: "They all learn from me".... bitch please!!! how can somebody be so fucking arrogant??!!! Anyways I just wanted to finish my set so I didn't debate with him cause...what for?! I'm a 5"2 girl.... he wouldn't even listen to me...cause hes a "sports teacher"...ugh! And then again, he's telling me how to train for strength...but he wasn't so strong! he was benching 47,5 kg....I was benching 40 kg..... and about size.... he didn't show any muscle at all! If you ask me, he didn't look as if he worked out ...like ever! I'm so sick of smart-asses!

I'm not an expert at all, that's right, but I don't give advice either....especially if I'm not asked for it. If asked then I give the advice I have heard from reliable sources or what has been useful for me and I have learnt from experience.

left fitocracy for now

Saturday I notice a tingling feeling in both hands. I have had this feeling for a long time, but at that point it seemed present all the time while other times came and went.... I aasked a friend of mine who is a nurse and he told me that maybe it's because of lifting wrong.... I don't think I lift wrong...but anyway it could be a pinched nerve or something...I have no idea, I have to see a doctor...I have an appointment tomorrow....The thing is that that friend told me I might not be able to lift heavy again....that piece of "news" crushed me.... I couldn't stop crying just thinking of the possibility of not being able to lift. I just hope he's wrong...At that point I though that, being like that, fitocracy doesn't make any sense for me so...I deleted my account. I don't want to be there if I only can log shit workouts.... it would make me feel ashamed... It hit me quite hard... I still don't know what's wrong, neither if it is actually a problem...but I can't make my peace with the idea.... Now that I'm starting to see results, it would be awful if I had to stop. Now that I found something I like....Ok, I like bodycombat too...but I want to lift, I want the challenge, I want to get stronger and push myself and want to transform my body.

last thursday it was amazing: I got to see my serratus for the first time, I was amazed...Like...seeing progress little by little...and I don't want to stop.

My weekend was plain awful...and I took two rest days (Saturday and Sunday) instead of one :( I was just exhausted, tired, depressed, unmotivated..... Actually I was unmotivated today too but I went to the gym, it was chest day..... and I'm thinking about coming back to fitocracy but I guess I should wait until I know for sure if I can keep on lifting. I really hope so.

I'm still feeling quite down. The gym couldn't cheer me up so much....not today.... :(

Other things I should mention at the appointment tomorrow, apart from the tingling feelinf is the pain in the elbows and the weak knee.... Fuck! I'm a mess!!!!

About competition

I want to write about cometing, not in the sense of a bodybuilding competition but in general competing. Many quotes say you shouldn't compete with others, juyt with yourself...."If you compete against others you get bitter, if you compete against yourself, you get better" and so on.....

Like everything else, something can be true and useful for some but not for others.  It is true that you have to compare your results from today with your previous results and try to get better, yes....but competition against others can also be a motivator. After all most sports are competitive ones, even bodybuilding, there are bodybuilding competitions where people compete against each other. Competing against other people doesn't have to make you bitter, it can also address your drive to get better. I am quite competitive myself and can't help but trying to top someone else....I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a way to stay stimulated. Maybe knowing that someone has done a deadlift of 105 kg makes me take the step to try it myself...and maybe I succeed...so, it can be a motivator!

All this topic came to my mind cause I have seen pictures of a girl who is training for physique competition and she#s having amaying results. If I had stick to it...would I have such amazing results in one month? It's just hypothetical cause it#s not my toime for it.... I doubt I would have her results....but it motivates me to try...could I be as good as her? even better maybe? I don't think so.... but I don't know if I don't try... I'm using that as a motivation to stick to my diet, cause...i think that my liftings are quite ok but my diet is keeping me from having results. I definitely have to be more strict as far as dieting is concerned, mainly about the calories I'm ingesting. Now I have a motivation more. Yes, I'm a bit jealous, but also happy for her, she's doing a great job and it's paying off! Now I have to do a great job too and be patient.

Changes

I "fired" my coach.
I'm not going to compete at least for the time being.
I'm going to just "eat, lift and be happy"....what I wasn't doing on the plan. The idea of competing set me too much under pressure so I'm forgetting about that. I just want to look good and lift heavy.

PT told me I don't need a coach anyways, that I know what I have to do: getting strong: a strong muscle is a big muscle. For that I need to keep doing the compounds...and on top of it I can do all the fuckarounditis that I want.... so I'm going back to the basics, which, BTW, I also prefer: Deadlifts, Squats , bench ...and accessory work.

I want PT to be proud of me like he used to. He is the best. I'm sure my coach is great but I'm used to my former PT and I trust him with my life. All I know, I learnt from him, and I have learnt a lot and progressed a lot.... Now he's not coaching me or training me, but he knows I can do it on my own, so i'm doing it on my own. I'm designing a training plan which pretty much is compounds 5x5 + accessory work splitted.... add cardio and you got it. As he says: K.I.S.S -> keep it simple and stupid.

As far as eating is concerned....again back to simple: IIFYM (if it fits your macros), I think that's the way to go, flexible dieting... I feel so relieved. And I think that, as long as the calories and macros are right, it works. Of course you have to take into account the "micros" too and having enough veggies and fiber, which is not a problem at all for me.

So... since a week I'm back to eating my way and lifting my way and I'm so much happier!!!  If I never get to compete, so be it. I'm trying to get the perfect body anyways...and I think I can! Then, if later, when I'm closer to the goal, I do decide that I want to compete, then I will do, but now I just don't want to think about it ...it sets me under pressure.

It was difficult for me to "fire" her but...deep in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I might have been influenced by PT's feedback, his opinion is very important to me...but the decision was all mine. I was already having my doubts concerning her and maybe that commentary pushed me to make the final decision, of which, BTW, I'm proud.

The person who recommended me this coach doesn't seem to talk to me anymore...I don't know if it has to do with me firing the coach or if it has any other reasons...anyways....I try not to care...i'm done with having people in my life who just make me suffer and suck my energy...and money. I have invested so much in that person, mainly emotionally, but also economically and it was not worth it. Some people think others are disposable. That's what I feel, that he considered me a kleenex, so to say. i'm done with him. It's a shame cause I liked it, and he seems lost but one thing is clear...you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped by you... he found another, and then another and then another...disposable girls, disposable friends.... well, guess what, i'm not disposable and there are people out there who appreciate me, acknowledge me and even like me...so why wasting my time with someone who doesn't? i'm done with all the BS! He has brought me more suffering than any other thing...  I was hurt, but I'm not anymore. I have a huge ability for recovery, not only physically, also emptionally, so...that chapter is SO closed!!!!

Hold your breath,count to ten, fall apart and start again

mail from my coach..... Yep! I did TOO MUCH wrong.... it seems that what I considered small changes were a huge deal in progress terms.... First two weeks have to be CLEAN, like REALLY CLEAN and no excuses.... So starting again...from tomorrow on since my post-workout was actually not allowed but I didn't know it beforehand.....

It's gonna be tough, but my coach and me have done some arrangements so that I can at least survive the diet.... cause , srsly, I'm so irritably lately that I'm getting on my own nerves! Bulimia made its appearance too.... fuck! I feel so bad about it!!!! I always say that the best diet is the one you can stick to and that's right.... averagely speaking, but if you want to compete....that's a very different story!

So what I have ahead of me starting tomorrow is two weeks of CLEAN eating, not-enjoyable food (but for the oats and protein powder) , feeling deprived (cause I know myself) and focusing. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And if after the 14 days no change for better has been made .... I might give it yet another try....

I'm quite bummed , I have to say, cause I hate the diet, and I read here and there about IIFYM ( if it fits your macros) and get so envious! But my coach doesn't believe in IIFYM.... Actually when something sounds to good to be true, most of the times it is! :/

So.... I'll sacrifice.

I asked her to suggest substitutions...I really want to avoid meat as much as possible..... I'm sick of egg-whites but it's better than meat any day! and as for protein powder and nut butter...I will have to be super-careful not to binge. That's the problem, the cravings.... Whemn I can't have what I want I end up having a LOT of things I'm allowed, but the quantity is not allowed!

FML, a bulimic trying get to physique competition....it sounds so wrong..... but so many things sounded wrong in my life and ended up happening so...why not, right? It's gonna be tough, I might as well make my peace with the idea: 14 days no chocolate, no treat, no nothing....but if I'm a good girl, after the 14 days she'll " introduce treat food items a few times per week so that you can have small servings or tastes of certain foods you would really like but still stick with the plan at hand." Thank God, cause otherwise life's not worth it! I'm serious!

And now for something completely different....ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

Some days ago, when I thought of giving up on all this competition thing , a very present thought in my mind was  "it's ok, giving up a dream makes it easier to "leave"".... I've always had suicidal tendencies... It's easier to off yourself when you have nothing / nobody to live for.... maybe that's why I never succeed in relationships, because part of me is always yearning for death.... that's who I am.

Today I learnt about one young woman dying. Like it has happened already several times to me, I asked myself "why her?" ( same happened when an anorexic woman in recovery , whom I knew, also died)....they want to live...they can't...I feel nastily priviledged and at the same time unworthy.... I'm sure I don't value life as much as many other people.... and here I am.... I'm not suicidal now, but often I just don't care if I'm alive or dead....I'm not depressed, I have nothing to die for... but do I have something to live for?...I guess...I have my BFF, I have online friends and as long as I'm alive I plan on enjoying my life and make the best out of it and do as much as I can to heölp others (especially my special people) to be happy.... but some people are actually WILLING to live: they get pregnant, they recover from eating disorders...there is the will....  Do I have a will to live or just a survival instinct? I just find it unfair that it was her and not me.

so disappointing

Two weeks check-in about meal and training plan: disappointed.
vacation was in between but I sticked to the plan quite much. I love the workouts , I hate the diet...ok I don't like the cardio either and I miss more bodycombat and I miss the compounds and some of the exercises i don't know how to perform. And I hate the smith machine.....

here's what I have written to my coach (some parts):

"Obviously I have done something very wrong. I look even worse than when I started. Concerning the plan, the first week I followed it quite strictly unless for the timing. I rarely manage to have that many meals, so I sometimes have made the 2nd and 3rd into one. Depending also on when I work out, sometimes I've switched the order of some to make sure pre and post workout were actually pre and post workout.

Second week , as you know, I was on vacation and everything went differently. I skipped one workout, the one on tuesday, day I was flying back.
As for the meals, I couldn't calculate exactly cause it was not me cooking, but roughly calculated it fitted my macros and most of it was included in the plan.  I cheated, I confess: everyday I had 1 chocolate cookie with fiber with my breakfast, this "digestive" cookies (about 85 calories and 4 gr. of fat and I tracked it in myfitnesspal) and the last day I was there I ate chocolate (about 40 gr.)

It wasn't easy at all: my cravings for sweets were awful. My bulimic tendencies have gotten worse too. I didn't binge but the urge was there ...or I "binged", sometimes having 3 scoops of whey or some day having 3 tbs of nut butter...oh, God! I'm a mess! " ...and I went on ....


You get the idea...I haven't followed the plan to the T but I think I have followed it quite much and....it wasn't worth it AT ALL!!!! I sacrificed and look worse.

Fuck it all!

I'm off!

Fuck competition. I just want to look good.

So I suggested some changes...let's see what she replies...she's gonna tell me to go to hell! LOL, if I have a coach I should do what she says, but , I kinda have and look worse?...fuck that shit! I didn't expect improvement on the first two weeks but I didn't expect looking worse! So much effort for nothing!!!! I'm really angry and disappointed right now.

Family visit...so scary!

I just arrived to my family`s and I already "sense there´s something in the wind, that seems like tragedy´s at hand..." my mother hates the looks of bodybuilders, especially women bodybuilders.... already talked a bit about what I can eat and what not and she said "you´re on vacation" ...not understanding that I don´t want to sabotage something that is so important to me and takes so much effort... The meals are going to be a problem and my daily visits to the gym too....Am I being selfish? Should I adapt more to her life just for this week so that we preserve the harmony? or should I, for once, stand for my believes and keep on doing what I usually do? ...This is very important to me...but I want harmony with my mother and it´s "only for a week".... I want to stick to my diet, training and goals...but the most important thing now is m y mother and my relationship with her. We see each other once or twice a year so....should I make sacrifices? Which sacrifices am I willing to do? Will I feel better or worse than ifI didn´t do them?... so complicated! I´ll just go with the flow and trust my common sense.... wish me luck!

About fear

They say our head is our worst enemy.
They say you have to visualize what you want in orer to obtain it.
They say you have to be sure you can have it in order to make it happen.....

If all that is right...I'm screwed.....

Today at the showers after my workout I saw some girls having cellullite...actually every woman I see in the shower gym has cellullite. I guess the same thing would happen in the beach, but I don't know cause I do9n't go to the beach..... Even Joy Victoria (a role model for me) talkes about that and linked some posting about that on her nfacebook page. I'm , of course, one of them...and I wonder if it will really ever happen.... that I get to the point of looking competition ready.

Before I go on wit this I want to clarify what this is NOT:
1. I'm not looking for encouragement, people telling me "of course you can do it"... cause they don't know. I know the intention is good....but they don't know, and I don't know If I can make it or not.

2.I'm not fishing for compliments. i know I don't look dreadful (even if I sometimes feel I do), but I don't need the "you're not fat", ""you're looking good" talk...competition is something else, much tougher! If I just wanted compßliments I's post some cute pictures on IG or facebook and I'd get them...that's not the point.

What I want to explain is that... I don't see it happening in my head....maybe that's self-sabotage...? It's not being pessimist...just having doubts...and well founded doubts, not only because of the difficulty of the whole thing and my mind going against it quite often, but also because of...THE FEAR... the fear in a bad kind of way, the fear which paralyses, the fear of failure and the fear of success, the fear of "what's coming next?"  I know all the so well!!! On one hand there is the believe that I can accomplish a lot...actually many things I wanted , I have accomp0lished.... My main problem has been not wanting the best things on the first place or not knowing exactly what I wanted...

The determination I also have and the need to strive. I had the best grades in theater school (though not being the most talented actress) due to my hard work and the need to be the best. Same happened in college...I was one of the best, in some subjects I was even the best, I just put my mind into it and went for it...and got it....

I wanted to come to Germany and I did...and even at jobs I hated I turned to be good or even the best. I'm happy that I have that work ethich and that need to excell....but, at the same time, it paralyses me sometimes.... What if this time I can't be the best? I don't want to settle for less.... that makes me want to leave everything alltogether..... As for my personality, I sometimes believe i could do anything I put my mind into.... I'm a very hard-worker and more than once I proved it.... but why am I so insecure? Maybe because it is important to me....

Actually this writing is being quite therapeutical....as I write, I see more pros than cons and that's indeed very good! i'll go for it... I'll try to be the best, just aiming to the highest point is going to get me somewhere....

I just need three things:
Determination (checked)
Persistance ( checked)
Patience (working on it...)

The "hard-work" I'm not mentioning cause it's kind of a given, duh! and same goes for "focus"... Now I have to believe also that it will happen, visualize it, like it was mentioned yesterday in the movie.....

Off-season 2013 (women's physique in 2014)

I got both my meal-plan and training plan, so...yes, it seems it's getting serious. I'm quite happy about that.
About the meal plan, I said i'd eat meat and I am doing it, but just chicken and fish...I tried ground turkey cause in my plan it is written some lean red meat and that's all I could find, but.... I disliked it a lot! I wanted to make the effort but...turned out I skipped meals just in order not to have it...not ideal! So I asked my coach for substitutions and she adjusted it a bit. Instead of the red meat I can have the chicken and coconut oil.... it doesn't seem ideal to her cause it's a different kind of fat but it's deffinitely better than skipping meals....

So...as far as the meal plan goes, it's quite ok. The only meals that I really enjoy are the pre and post workout meals...which is fine, it makes me feel more like I am on the road to competition, LOL!

Now , the most exciting part....TRAINING!

split routine lifting 6 times a week + cardio 4 times a week...the plan is a secret ;) but I'm really excited about it. I'll start today :)
My coach is so nice that she was ok with me trading her cardio twice a week for bodycombat...That made me REALLY happy cause combat is one of the few things in my life nowadays which really make me happy.... I need that feeling! especially now that I'm feeling a bit down again....

I told my friend and training's partner Kris about the plan and he says for sure I'll make gains :) I can't wait to start seeing results! A fito girl that I know is also working with my coach towars physique and already in two weeks BIG DIFFERENCES to be seen!....but her starting point was more "advanced" (let's put it that way) than mine.... I'm not expecting big changes in such a sort period of time for me...but on the long run.

Today will be my first day on the training program ...I'm looking forward to it...even when wednesday is not my favorite day, I have to do plyo...which I'm not a big fan of.... but I hope the excitement will help me enjoy it :)

My lunch...since I miss sweets, my lunch is potatoes and egg whites with stevia and cinnamon.... In the mood for sweets ...a bit depressed. The weather sux :/

about the happy place and when to train...

My happy place is a bit less happy on friday early evening. The gym is so crowded! Full of bros! Every rest between one set and the next I had someone asked me how many sets to go.... I can't concentrate like that, seriously! I guess I'll stick to different times, up to now the best have been at aroung 2 p.m or really late...like midninght or something like that, especially on the weekend....so, yes, I'll stick to that. Some fitness experts ( Pauline) suggest chaninging the time for better results, like not always training in the morning or not always in the evening. Personally I don't have a set time now that I'm not working, so I can go whenever I want...i can try that of the changing times.... Sometimes i just feel the urge at some given moment , it's like, "I have to go to the gym NOW!" and sometimes I "plan" a bit more. ... My life as it is now is, in that sense, pure luxury! having the time i want.... i'll make sure to take advantage oof that :P

Leg day today after so long not doing pretty much anything...It was hard, quite hard, I even thought to stop in the middle and go home and come back tomorrow...but sure as hell I wouldn't do that, have we met?! It's not my style! Rather training to failure, deloading the weights.... feeling exhausted.... than interrupting. I've NEVER cut a session before I was done.... ok, once with my former PT, he did, bacause it was 3 am and we had started at midnight and he saw I literally couldn't lift a fucking dumbbell...OMG! That was one of the best days of the year! Training with him at that time was really cool! I miss him. Today I thought a lot about him because it happens rarely to me that I am so exhausted that I want to quit. It happens rarely when I'm alone but it happened quite often while training with him.

As for my new coach...i'm still waiting for my plan... soooo looking forward to it. I want to get started as soon as possible. I'm always full of expectations when I open my mailbox...but it doesn't happen .... I hope soon....

About other stuff in my life...what other stuff in my life? Is there anything besides training? Sometimes I wish there wasn't...that says enough.

Combat today

BODYCOMBAT 57 is the shit!!!!! :)
After a kinda weak release  (56) now bodycombat is again whet it used to be ....awesome! As for today, I was at the class doing it for the 4th time only and I really REALLY enjoyed it! ... Before the class I wasn't feeling well....I was very worried about some very loved person who is having a rough time... my mind was blocked cause I really wanted (and still want!!!) to help and I don't know how to....Anyway....thing is, the class made me feel very focused and I could enjoy it!
The choreography is a bit complicated, which I love cause it makes you be more concentrated and it's more of a challenge. We have one new movement and then the jump, which , depending on the instructor, can be more or less challenging since every instructor has their own style.
The music is great, I love all the songs!!!
During the 55 minutes I was happy...and at some point I was plain euphoric! Seriously! EUPHORIC! I wanted to scream on top of my lungs! That's what bodycombat can do to me!!!! that and make me burn over 500 calories :)

here is the sizzler, though it doesn't give you an idea of the actual release, which is A W E S O M E!!!! #TrueLove

In other order of things...my back is almost 100% recovered and can't wait to be lifting again tomorrow! :) I still don't have the plan for my prep (2 year prep, that is!ha ha, but prep after all)...so I have no idea what I will train...probably legs.... I can't wait to get the plan, the training plan and the meal plan cause, to be honest, my eating is lately a fucking mess, the macros are just off and tha calories....tending to rather high.... I also kinda feel like eating meat again...big change after so many years of vegetarianism...

I have uploaded some videos to my youtubechannel of me lifting, just form checks for my coach... It's funny the way I unrack for squatting reminds A LOT to my former PT, you can tell from whom I learnt, ha ha....BTW it's just warm-up weight, and 1st day after the injury, so...believe me, I can do better than that! ha ha

The gym: my happy place

When i'm there i'm focused, I don't think of anything else, just concentrate in what I have to do... Today I did my first set of unassisted dips with the help of Kris, he's awesome

I felt really good there.... I love it! I'm happy that my back almost doesn't hurt anympore and I can train again. My bench Press was also quite ok for being just out of an injury.....

I can't wait to have my new program, meal plan and training plan. i'll do whatever it takes. i'm leaving veganism and even vegetarianism. I'll follow the plan to the T. I want it so bad. I'll be a physique competitor, I will be it. It's gonna be fucking hard! really really difficult, but I'll do it! I know I have what it takes!

Apart from that life is going well in some aspects, i'm delighted with complimentes in RL and internet about my strength , acjhievements and transformation ( muscle building)... carla told me not to build more, which made me very happy, cause that means I already look a bit mor muscular than average... which is not that difficult, lol, since the average is rather fluffy, LOL, I'm so mean.... anyways, I'm on my way to get a lot of muscle and lose all the fat! ALL OF IT!!! ha ha ha...can't wait to get started! I'm so psyqued about it! yes...I do want it so bad!

I was going to complain and whine about my love life...or lack thereof, ha ha! but now thinking of my goals and that I am on the way to achieve them it's RIDICULOUS letting myself be brought down by what a guy might feel or not feel for me or for any other bitch out there. I'm too good for that, ha, think what you want! If I don't feel i'm good enough, nobody would..... now at least is one person, my fucking self! ...and i know there are more...btw!

so...not giving a fuck!!!!! (bangarang)

I'm just looking forward to:

-combat tomorrow
-weight training on friday with Kris
-my meal and training plan (I hope the soonest possible)
-seeing results soon


love sux.

New coach

I'm so excited about this! Things are getting real!!! OMG! it's so cool!  :)
Friday I had my first consultation with my new coach and I hired her. We talked about my goals and how she can help me reach them. Up to now with my former PT ( he said himself he cannot give himself the title of "coach") we focused mainly on strength and form but now we'll be focusing also in changing my body. I told her my goal would be competing in a bb competition, in division figure or physique but that I'm also interested in powerlifting. She's a bodybuilder and powerlifter herself , she's the best, and the toghest question was if I want to do a powerlifting meeting too or gop directly for physique. My main goal is Physique, and she told me I can train first for powerlifting and once I'm done with the meeting, go to physique because what I have trained for powerlifting would help me for physique.... just  I can't train simultaneously for both. She does it, but she's a pro! and i'm still a newbie...So I think I'll go for that possibility: first power lifting and then physique ...though what I REALLY REALLY want in the bottom of my heart is competing for physique, it's like a dream!...I also want to be strong though...damn it! hard decision!

By the end of this weeekend she will give me the meal plan, actually the macro breakdown and later on the training plan. I can't wait to get started!!!! though I have to cause I'm still injured actually, The pain is almost totally gone but I still notice it a bit, it's taking forever to heal!!!!

About the meals: big change: I'm giving up vegetarianism. At least for this first phase until I build enough muscle. maybe later i could be able to mantain in on a vegetarian (even maybe vegan) diet...? Anyway that would be something for the future so I don't need to think about it now. I agreed to eat egg whites and fish.... other kinds of meat would be a bit difficult for me after so many years of being a vegetarian.... Difficult , not impossible...so...maybe i will? ...?...? ha ha...i don't think so but that's not a definite NO!

That has been the story of my life so i'm changing it. Always going down with the calories, losing weight (including muscle), binging, putting on weigh, losing again reducing calories and again and again. It doesn't work! Trying vegetarianism, veganism.... so now I'm changing things and i have the best guidance for that! I'll follow her plan to the T and I'll get to be as awesome as she is <3

This time i'm going to do it, I believe I can and i will. I'm gonna turn the best "me". I feel really motivated :)

In other order of things....i'm trying to be the best me in EVERY field, not only physically but also mentally and spiritually and i'm trying actively to be more generous and expect the least possible or even nothing. Expectations are bad, you have to be able to not expect anything. It's hard but it's rewarding! I'm trying it actively and when I succeed I feel good...but sometimes I have to stop and remind myself about doing it.... some day it will come automatically. :)

And I'm also working on my self-esteem and  getting rid of jealousy. I try to be as rational as possible when it comes to jealousy cause it doesn't make any sense.... stay rational!!! ha ha. Srsly! I just.... I'm in love. <3

About anticipation and expectation

Vorfreude: Pleasant anticipation

^this is one of the best feelings ever: Actually there is no exact word in english for that... none that matches 100% anyways....

I was thinking about anticipation and expectation, so similar and at the same time so different! It's like the good and the evil of the same thing. I guess anticipation is when you already know it's going to happen, like looking forward to something that has been confirmed already, while expectation is not, it's just something you want , you hope and expect to happen but you really don't know if it'll happen or not.

Expectation sucks.... So I'm trying to adopt this new philosophy, not expecting anything... I'm so used to "expect" something as a consequence of what I do that I have to actively remind myself NOT to expect. That's a tough one, but so worth it!

I read about that principle 100/0, like giving everything expecting nothing about a week ago. I started putting it into practice and it seemed to make me feel quite good. :) ... then, by not actively thinking, I went back to old patterns (=expecting) only to feel disappointed and sad...So a couple of days ago I told myself to stop and rewind, and focus on not expecting.... it's hard, but that's what it's all about. i'm re-wiring my brain and trying to avoid old patterns of behaviour, cause.... simply... I want to be happy. Happiness is often an option, you can chose not letting bad things get to you and allow the good things get to you . You don't need to be numb or just switch off the feelings completely...just embrace the good ones and make the best you can out of the bad ones.... don't expect, just give and be willing and open to receive, then any good thing that comes your way will seem more valuable. It's easy to let yourself sink into depression and let the bad feelings take over...i'm an expert on that! but it is in those moments that you have to stop and get focused again. It happened to me recently that I noticed I was feeling down and a bit disappointed...why? because expectations lead to disappointment, so I stopped and thought.... "the principle! apply it again, girl!" and I did...and it's difficult not to expect when you really want something or when you're giving but...kinda rewarding....liberating....

Injured

Last week I hurt myself, I don't know exactly how, I just know that it started on friday and I chose to ignore it on saturday doing my shoulder routine as if I wasn't hurting and it got much worse. Now I haven't been able to lift for a complete week and I'm feeling quite bummed about it. Last Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday I did NOTHING! :( then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and yesterday Saturday, just cardio classes...I love them but I want to lift too!!!! Tomorrow I'll visit a chiropractor and I hope she can fix me. I want to be back in the gym the soonest possible.


In other order of things. Since I'm not sure what strategy to follow to get where I want ( to the physique I want, that is) I have contacted a coach and next week I'll have the first consultation with her. I'm so psyched about it! Things are gonna start getting serious! I can't wait! It will definitely be more goal oriented than what I was doing before, oriented to get the physique, not only on gaining strength , which I will do too! I'm really happy about it and looking forward too.

This weekend was the mr.Olympia in Vegas and... now I'm even more motivated! I still don't know for which cathegory I'd be competing: bikini, figure...Definitely not fitness cause I can't do the things they do, I'm fit but I'm not superwoman (and they kind of are!, ha ha). watching the show i'd say my ideal would be figure or physique, but physique seems almost unattainable the natural way....

These were the winners in bikini, figure and physique respectively:

I will have my coach tell me what would be the best division for me...can't wait! I really want this! I want to prove myself and everybody that I can do it. It'll take long...ok, I have time ;)


As for training I can't wait til I am recovered!
My former PT contacted me yesterday and said, I quote " so now training is going to have a whole new meaning you are more then welcome to drop by to train " he has a squat rack at home!!!! so cool!!!! I definitely will go...when I'm recovered, that is...and if he really means it cause...seriously, he says too much and he doesn't always deliver.... He said he would take me to Joni's gym...never happened...and some other stuff...so I'm happy for the offer but I don't rely on it. He's weird.... but since already some time i'm not even trying to understand him, lol, he's cool, I'll take whatever I can use from his advice but not any bullshit.... and , of course, I won't rely on anything he says.... If at the end of the day we manage to train together, that would be awesome, and I will insist on it once I'm recovered.... if we don't... it was actually expected, so no harm.


Best thing is keeping the expectations low.

As for advice concerning eating and working out plan I will follow my new coache's advice and won't let my former PT interfere. I'll gladly train with him, he knows his shit, I have learnt the basics from him and got stronger, He has tought me how to squat , deadlift and bench right, and that's the basis! I couldn't have done it without him. he got me started in a journey that I don't want to give up. I'm really passionate about it!

Damn! So looking forward to training again! Fucking injury!!!!

Enough is enough

I've been thinking, analyzing, making lists and I think I decided to NOT stay in the clinic. I have "therapied" (is that even a word?) myself SUCCESSFULLY in the past. I got out from an eating disorder all by myself, out of self-harm also without help and i have had rough times.... I want to do therapy but the individual one... I think the clinic is not helping much. It has helped, it has helped me seeing what I don't want to be...fair enough, now that I know it, the moment i start being that "being" i'll stop, breath, and "play" the character I like...the other me.... am I nuts? maybe,so what?! whatever makes me happy! each of us have their own answers to survive...mine is this, kinda "splitting"... is that a bit disordered too? (as in dissociative) maybe but it helps me living the way I want, being whom I want to be. You know, Fake it til you make it, LOL! I'm fine. I know what I want so... I will just go for it, give it time and I'll have it. Period.

About gym stuff: I injured myself on friday and on saturday I chose to ignore it and work out anyway.... sunday my back was hurting like a bitch, so Sunday and monday I had to rest. I hope I can work out tomorrow, if possible, I will go everyday during the week, cause I'm freaking out already.

Update

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm alive (for better or for worse, that I don't know).

I'm spending my days at the day clinic ( as a psychiatric patient), evenings and weekends at home.

The suicidal thoughts are almost not present anymore (unless when I REALLY think about life...which I try not to do much)

Most of the things which are important for me are going wrong, meaning mainly getting the appearance I want and well...the love stuff...

And now some gym talking cause it has been a while since: I'm not progressing much lately and I think what hinders me is FEAR. I know I can squat more than 62,5 kg.... why don't I do it? yes, my back was hurting like a fucking bitch.... But now I seem to be fine.... So I have to go back to at least 65!!!!

As for Deadlifts I'm happy: 92.5 kg for reps.... I know I'm doing it good when I'm not really looking forward to the next set., ha ha ...but I still go for it and crash it!!!!

The rest of the lifts are kinda stuck where they were...that sux.... :( I see very little progress...so... not too happy.....

Life sucks.

I need a new mindset, then everything will change for better...Working on it.

One problem less

I was fired. I feel relieved. Now a lot of paperwork and starting therapy on tuesday.

Today I went to a therapist to for ambulant sessions. He seems to know his shit, maybe he'll help. he asked what do I want from the therapy, the question caught me a bit off-guard, but what I want is being able to have a more or less "normal" life. Not ordinary, I woule never like an ordinary life, but I want to be able to live, be able to work, be able to have a relationship, cause, honestly...I'm a wreck:

-I want to find a job that I enjoy doing and the most important, where I'm treated right. But I want to develop the skills to act in the case of not being treated well....act to change things not just being overwhelmed and wanting to die.

-I want to be able to have a relationship. I suck at them....The last guy I liked (and still do) just doesn't write anymore. I guess I did something wrong. He says he has no time and I believe him but again... 5 seconds for a message everybody has...he has changed his attitude towards me completely and it hurts like fucking hell...and what hurts the most is that i still have a tiny bit of hope... That's so dangerous! I know the situation: I lose the guy and feel the loss, then I lose hope and can't cope with the world....well...It won't be like that this time because it wasn't a relationship but it has been like that in the past. I want to change that too.

-And control the eating, I want to do that too.

My therapist seems great.

My life is a mess.

About training: Monday and Wednesday i really went BEAST mode...and my back is still hurting :( so I'm having a rest day ( Usually Friday is my rest day anyway) and will train strengh timorrow and strength and cardio on Sunday. Somehow I'm not as motivated as usual...


*Feeling like shit"